Friends partner cheated, I can't get my head round it

What happened in the end?

So you weren’t there. Your friend put the OW on louspeaker so you could hear her? That makes…no sense.

She could be in survival mode where security is her main consideration -for now.

She has probably picked up that you are being judgmental about her staying with him and this is why she doesn't discuss it with you.

With three kids under 4 how the hell has he got free time to go to the gym?

Tbh it's not for you to say anything. I have a best friend they had 3 children 9,7 and 6 months, her hubby upped packed his bags and just left one day no explanation.Turns out he was moving into another woman's house, after a year my best friend took him bag into the family home like nothing had ever happened.snd I won't say behind closed doors we all were like wtf are you doing. It totally messed with the older kids minds but she apparently is so in love she took him back. So far they've been back together almost 2 years... personally I will never get it as I could not take a cheater back but apparently others feel they can

This is true. If he can do it to the other child, he could do it to hers!

It might be that your friend is feeling shame or guilty for staying or think that you are judging her for doing so. Nobody knows if it's going to work out or be the best decision, so it's probably not going to help you getting other people to give their opinion or experience. As a friend I would advise you to make it clear that you love her and support any decisions she makes. Tell her you are always going to be there, whenever she wants and it's ok to have completely different feelings from one day to the next. Time will tell for their relationship but don't let it damage your relationship with her. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on and then lose a best friend too. Sympathy for you, you obviously are a caring person who is struggling to do their best for a mate. It's a tricky place to be but be led by her to show you what she needs from you.

Maybe she doesn’t want to be a single mum. Maybe she doesn’t want to be left with 3 small kids. Maybe she’s worried that if she leaves him he won’t see his kids like he doesn’t see the other one. She’s also had a part in him not seeing the kid by agreeing to move away from it. She isn’t innocent either sorry.

Because both women realise they have been played by a shit!

To be fair, we don't know what tales this guy span to the other woman. Cheaters lie through their teeth to their partners AND the other woman. If they met at the gym, he could have said anything. My mum had a friend who found out that the man she was married to had another pre-existing marriage YEARS after. It was in the newspapers and everything. He had a job that required him to be away a lot so the absences were explainable. What we do know is that this guy is so low that he could walk under a door wearing a top hat and it still wouldn't be knocked off! Your poor friend. Just be gentle with her. I would imagine she might just be biding her time before making a move and of course then there is the embarrassment factor of having a snake for a husband!

A lot of women stay for several reasons, going it alone with 3 small children isn't easy, they are worried that they and their children will suffer financially, they want the children to have their father, they worry about what the future will hold for them as many men aren't interested in other people's children and last but not least she could just be overwhelmed and shellshocked. There is the fight or flight complex but there is also the 'freeze' one where people are paralysed because they don't know what to do. She is probably scared about many things deep down and perhaps not wanting to talk about it is a manifestation of that anxiety. People often 'look the other way' because it is easier than having to face divorce/single parenthood/financial hardship etc.

She might simply be biding her time till her children are older. It would be very hard to leave with three young children including a baby. Her life would be the opposite of comfortable. I wouldn't blame her for that decision and it would be putting her children first. I wouldn't be that surprised though if she left when the youngest was five.

She's not married either. Is the house and everything else in his name? If she leaves she may take very little with her. Why aren't they married if they now have three children is another question?

It's sad for the other child. But the other woman in this situation was prepared to have unsafe sex with a man with two small children. Yes I appreciate it was the man who was unfaithful. I can't honestly blame your friend if she made it a condition of reconciling that there was no contact with the child. At least he's providing financial support.

I wouldn't raise this with your friend. If she wanted to talk about it with you, she would raise it.

Not all of us are super hero single Mums that fly off into the sunset with a cape, while breastfeeding and holding down a career. We don’t all come with a support network or finances that drop down from the sky. Nor do we all have an abundance of energy. It’s okay for women to be mortal and vulnerable which she is with a 6 month old.

Life isn’t a Hollywood movie where we find a neighbour to babysit our 3 kids while we take on the world like Erin Brokovich & leave our deadbeat husbands to emerge as winners.

Look around you at the state of society and how conducive it is to single Mums or just Mums in general. It’s not exactly designed for people to get ahead and their children to thrive.

Your friend is guaranteed a hard life if she leaves depending on her circumstances,

It is not crazy to stay with your husband especially in these times, it’s sensible.

I’ve often wondered to myself, if my husband had an affair and got another woman pregnant, could I stay with him?

I probably couldn’t.

But if I did, could I watch him go off a couple of times a week and play happy families with the ow and their baby? No. Absolutely not.

Could I invite that child into my home and take care of it with him? No. I couldn’t.

Would it be easier if he wanted to concentrate on one family and pretend the other didn’t exist? As cruel as that is, of course is the answer.

Your friend had made a choice to stay with her husband. She probably isn’t going to give the ow’s baby much consideration, why would she? She will be devastated at what has happened truth be told and will probably be grateful that he’s not running off to play daddy to another woman’s baby.

I realise that isn’t a palatable thought for many people, but I couldn’t blame a woman for feeling this way. I expect she feels very hard done by. The ow didn’t care about her or her children, why wouldn’t she return that favour now?

Your friend isn’t talking about it because she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t want your opinion. She doesn’t want your judgement. She doesn’t want the reminders, so you just have to mind your own business and not make it your concern.

If she stopped talking about it she might have perceived rightly or wrongly that you are judging her/them or enjoying hearing about the mess/scandal of it or both. If she trusts you she will probably speak about it again and if not, probably won’t.

Op, I genuinely get that you are concerned for your friend. But many new mom's come onto mumsnet, myself included and I'm in Ireland not even the UK. But your detail of her is very descriptive and she could see this, I have to be honest. I remember a fellow mum recommending AIBU to me to pass the time.

You mentioned her age,,number of kids the gym hookup, the age of the youngest baby, the fact that she moved away, blocked number ect.....I'd genuinely ask for this to be taken down. And I'm honestly saying this out of concern your mum friend could see it.

It's an anonymous site for exactly these dilemmas. Grow up and stop virtue signalling🙃

She's a mug. Contraception is so important also.. poor baby.

This sounds like a terrible situation for all involved. I suspect your friend is feeling somewhat trapped as its hard to up and leave with small children, one if which is pretty much a newborn.
In my experience, things do eventually fall apart despite attempts to ‘forgive/forget and move on’. Doing this is going to be made even more difficult given his financial ties to the other woman due to the innocent baby caught up in all of this. What a vile man.

She's stopped speaking about it because she doesn't want to speak to you about it. She may be concentrating on her marriage and children and doesn't want to engage your thoughts on the situation (noted in original post, not positive) but it doesn't matter what the reason is. She doesn't want to talk about it. If you're a proper friend, you'll respect her wishes.

I would arrange a childfree time when you can chat without interruptions of baby crying/toddler needs a drink, snack etc and then just ask how things are going. If she brushes over it then tell her that you'll always listen without judgement and will support whatever choice she makes now and/or in the future and then move the conversation on to strictly, I'm a celebrity or whatever.

If she does take the opportunity to talk then I personally wouldn't go on about you would've made a different choice. Yes you can say you don't agree with her choice/understand her choice but regardless you respect its her choice to make and you are a safe space to talk without judgement

Personally I'm not sure I could get passed the affair and ignoring his child but who knows how any of us would react unless we are in that situation and set of circumstances, ie financial etc

Maybe she's stopped speaking to you because

A) You can't get your head around it and that annoys her, because you don't need to.

B) It's not as amicable as she's making out because if it was, they wouldn't have moved and he wouldn't have changed his phone number and car, to avoid her finding him.

Fair enough moving if he had sex with the OW in your friend's house, but again the rest doesn't make any sense if it's all amicable and he's paying CM.