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Original poster

To think that two grown men could have decided this...?

115 replies

5FootMama · 07/12/2024 21:26

So, in the throes of a class party at soft play where I was trying to both sort the table for the cake and deal with the small child having a meltdown. I tell the husband, he needs to sort the cake and the candles. He looks clueless. I just say "put the candles in the cake, bring it here for lighting" he goes with another dad. He comes back "where are the candles?" .... "In the bag next to the cake".... Come back "wheres the lighter? ... "In the same bag... Just look"

I have a clingy limpet child in the verge of tears, whilst I'm sorting the table out, and 2 minutes later the men both come traipsing back saying "we need you for the cake there's a problem"

Brilliant 🙄 I go back to cake to find out the issue, thinking it's been dropped or some kid has stuck their hand in it or something..

No. No... THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHERE ON THE CAKE TO PUT THE FUCKING CANDLES.

Two grown men needed to have me decide where to put 4 candles on a rectangular cake...

OP posts:
Nikitaspearlearring · 08/12/2024 12:21

Behindthethymes · 08/12/2024 07:08

Isn’t it strange how men are so deeply influenced only by the women in their lives?

Show quote history

You've got a point! I feel I have trained my dch in the small practical things like this, and a thousand other things that DH is clueless at, and DH has taught them how to play with Lego!

Snugglemonkey · 08/12/2024 12:20

allthatfalafel · 07/12/2024 21:55

Ugh, who is still putting candles on children's cakes? I thought that ended after covid. It's disgusting when they blow their germy spit all over it and everyone has to eat it.

Edited

Literally everyone I know with small children. Actually, all the adults who I have seen getting a birthday cake too.

LlynTegid · 08/12/2024 12:18

I am glad I don't work with the said two men.

Original poster
5FootMama · 08/12/2024 12:17

Sonowimbackfromouterspace · 08/12/2024 09:35

For all they knew, you did. As before, you sound just like me.

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What did I write that makes me sound like I care where candles go on a cake?

I'll wait...

OP posts:
Original poster
5FootMama · 08/12/2024 12:16

vtrdcat · 08/12/2024 08:11

I’m not in the UK, but it wouldn’t occur to most people here to put candles on the cake, spit on it and expect other people to eat it. That ended many years ago.

If you want candles you use a candle snuffer.

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Presumably people where you live you never breathe near anyone.

OP posts:
RexMyDarling · 08/12/2024 12:12

So I’m completely with you… total idiocy and a wonder how they rule the earth.

So I read your post to dh to show him I’m not the only one who complains how dim men can be. He defends your dh! Apparently it’s not deliberate incompetence, it’s ’if I get it wrong, she’ll be having a go at me forever!’

poor miserable bastards. When are we crushing the patriarchy by instructing them to do easy things and hiding things in plain sight?

DreamW3aver · 08/12/2024 10:01

vtrdcat · 08/12/2024 08:11

I’m not in the UK, but it wouldn’t occur to most people here to put candles on the cake, spit on it and expect other people to eat it. That ended many years ago.

If you want candles you use a candle snuffer.

Show quote history

Young children's birthday parties must be fun in your country, is lusty singing of Hapoy Birthday also forbidden?

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 08/12/2024 09:55

Was my DH the other dad? 😂 sounds exactly like him. 😂

Sonowimbackfromouterspace · 08/12/2024 09:35

5FootMama · 08/12/2024 07:45

Who fucking cares where the candles go?

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For all they knew, you did. As before, you sound just like me.

BearOnABlanket · 08/12/2024 09:15

With my kids, I use the phrase 'I trust your judgement' and leave them to it - now, I do have to be willing to accept the consequences if they get 'creative' but still, I think that that's better than having to be everyone's brain.

I don't think it would have been possible to keep my contempt off my face for those men.

GridlockonMain · 08/12/2024 08:58

Absolutely embarrassing for them

EnjoythemoneyJane · 08/12/2024 08:56

weefella · 07/12/2024 21:53

So if a man is "clueless" then it's the fault of the women?

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Apparently. Second thread I’ve read this morning where it’s been suggested that mothers/wives/partners are responsible when men are basically useless. Reminds me of a conversation I had in which Harvey Weinstein’s crimes were actually the fault of all those actresses who ‘use sex’ to gain professional advantage, so that’s probably why that poor powerful man got so confused as to whether or not he was engaged in, you know, coercion and rape …

If you look hard enough, everything men do is usually the fault of a woman - from femicide to fucking cake candles - and there are still plenty of actual women who are very happy to prop up that narrative.

But no, OP, YADNBU.

Plastictrees · 08/12/2024 08:21

vtrdcat · 08/12/2024 08:11

I’m not in the UK, but it wouldn’t occur to most people here to put candles on the cake, spit on it and expect other people to eat it. That ended many years ago.

If you want candles you use a candle snuffer.

Show quote history

I’ve never known anyone spit on a birthday cake.

YellowAsteroid · 08/12/2024 08:19

LittleRedYarny · 07/12/2024 21:51

Holy cow that’s rage inducing!

Changing the topic and asking an unrelated question, will you be asking Santa for some patio paving slabs this Christmas?

We’ll all give you an alibi @5FootMama

Ppzd · 08/12/2024 08:14

vtrdcat · 08/12/2024 08:11

I’m not in the UK, but it wouldn’t occur to most people here to put candles on the cake, spit on it and expect other people to eat it. That ended many years ago.

If you want candles you use a candle snuffer.

Show quote history

People do also project tiny droplets when speaking face to face, you exchange germs when you kiss on the cheeks, hug, shake hands, etc. I mean, I would be put off the cake if a kid or adult spits a lot when blowing the candles, true, but at a kids birthday party the cake is usually for the other kids anyway, and unless the birthday kid is ill, I don't see the issue.

vtrdcat · 08/12/2024 08:11

Falseshamrok · 08/12/2024 07:36

I mean, pretty much everyone still blows out candles.

Show quote history

I’m not in the UK, but it wouldn’t occur to most people here to put candles on the cake, spit on it and expect other people to eat it. That ended many years ago.

If you want candles you use a candle snuffer.

Ppzd · 08/12/2024 07:47

wombat1a · 08/12/2024 01:27

I have a different theory about this from seeing how useless some of the male lab members become after getting long-term girlfriends or marrying. I think it stems from when they do something and then their DP says 'not like that' and they get to the point where I've noticed they won't attempt to do simple things anymore because because of the expectation of being told they have done a simple thing wrong (again).

Again, that's a pathetic behaviour. They can grow a backbone and take ownership. I've definitely done that with my DP, especially with our 1st child, and when I did/do say "not like that" and I'm overstepping (sometimes, I'm just right and it's not the right way to do) he goes "You have your way and I have mine". We're capable of communicating why we do things differently and we're capable of taking advice on board when needed, but also capable of saying "I've got this thanks, no need to intervene". The "ooh I have to walk on eggshells so I don't dare doing anything" is also part of the weaponised incompetence.

Original poster
5FootMama · 08/12/2024 07:45

Sonowimbackfromouterspace · 07/12/2024 22:44

Two grown men needed to have me decide where to put 4 candles on a rectangular cake...

To be fair though, I got anxious just by reading your post 😂I could well imagine both of them thinking that no matter where they placed the candles, it wouldn't have been to your liking. I suspect this, because you sound just like me. In quieter moments I can actually be found rocking back & forth in a chair, cringing about the way I speak to my husband at times & making him feeling like he's walking on egg shells. 😁😱😆

Who fucking cares where the candles go?

OP posts:
Original poster
5FootMama · 08/12/2024 07:40

allthatfalafel · 07/12/2024 21:55

Ugh, who is still putting candles on children's cakes? I thought that ended after covid. It's disgusting when they blow their germy spit all over it and everyone has to eat it.

Edited

.... Everyone ...

OP posts:
Falseshamrok · 08/12/2024 07:36

allthatfalafel · 07/12/2024 21:55

Ugh, who is still putting candles on children's cakes? I thought that ended after covid. It's disgusting when they blow their germy spit all over it and everyone has to eat it.

Edited

I mean, pretty much everyone still blows out candles.

B1anche · 08/12/2024 07:29

Behindthethymes · 08/12/2024 07:08

Isn’t it strange how men are so deeply influenced only by the women in their lives?

Show quote history

Exactly! More likely they've picked up bad habits from their useless, lazy fathers but it's easier to blame the women in their lives.

BruceAndNosh · 08/12/2024 07:27

CuriousGeorge80 · 08/12/2024 03:14

I am a woman who is perfectly competent at many, many things, but married to another woman who frequently criticises the perfectly valid way I choose to do something, because it isn't exactly how she would have done it. Putting candles on a cake would be a good example. It is exceptionally demoralising and frustrating. Just take a moment to reflect on whether you are like that. If not, he's an idiot.

I can be like your wife and I try very hard not to correct my DH when he does something OK but not my way. It's a learning curve but accepting he does things differently but not wrong has been good for our relationship (and my mental load)

Behindthethymes · 08/12/2024 07:08

Nikitaspearlearring · 07/12/2024 21:50

That's hilarious! DH is very clever and would be exactly the same - totally clueless. But they are like it because their mums, and then their partners, enable them. Hopefully we are raising our sons to think for themselves.

Isn’t it strange how men are so deeply influenced only by the women in their lives?

TyrannasaurusJex · 08/12/2024 07:08

allthatfalafel · 07/12/2024 21:55

Ugh, who is still putting candles on children's cakes? I thought that ended after covid. It's disgusting when they blow their germy spit all over it and everyone has to eat it.

Edited

oh behave.

NC10125 · 08/12/2024 06:42

Clearly he needs more practice so that he feels less anxious - next year he organises the whole party.