to be too exhausted by training contract to have sex

Or maybe it’s because OP has effectively said problem solved?

DP is actually a woman

And suddenly the posters moaning about male entitlement seem to have gone awfully quiet. 😂😂😂

Fair enough.

@EvelynBeatrice The idea that this is how it will always be is incorrect

But it is how it will always be if she stays at the type of firm where she currently is (in fact it will be worse).

You’re not actually disagreeing with what everyone else has said - what you are actually suggesting is that she moves elsewhere with a different level of demand/expectation, which is what many other posters have also suggested. Whether she makes this move now, or as an NQ or at 2, 4 or 10pqe depends on a load of factors.

This is separate from the bf issue. If she feels that she wants to see this through for at least the medium term then it doesn’t sound like their relationship can last.

I’ve been a City lawyer and also married someone with a big City job (with even worse hours unbelievably).

Your relationship will not survive if he doesn’t understand that stress and limitations on your personal time and energy is part of the deal with this kind of job.

There are other people out there who will understand; either because they do the same kind of job themselves or because they appreciate that you are on the path to a high earning career and they are happy to support that.

What expectations?

How many times a week is he 'expecting'?

And what is he doing to facilitate it?

Once a week is hardly unusual!

Your career will probably be like this for many years, I'd take a long think if this is the person you want as your life partner.

Why isn't he doing the fucking washing up?

Is he backing you at all in this?

There a lot of nonsense here as well as pockets of sense. The idea that this is how it will always be is incorrect. Yes working in an all encompassing role while studying for a very difficult exam is a nightmare and yes relationships will take a back seat just now, but it won’t be forever. The studying will end, the poster will qualify and she will complete her traineeship at a great firm.

She doesnt have to stay there - she can move to a regional firm/ go in-house, look around a bit. Or she may end up loving City law. Don’t be influenced by those who are ‘stuck’. There’s a big world away from Magic Circle law where lawyers still earn very well and have more quality of life.

Stop thinking about your partner. What do you want/ need just now? If he’s not it and making your life worse, dump him. You need the support and friendship of others in the same position.

Yes the relationships that last this are either the ones where both partners have similar jobs (and outsourced the cleaning etc ) or where one partner is happy to be in full on "support partner" mode and pick up all the slack at home and accept there may be times their partner js fully focused on work for long stretches

Are we reading different threads?

Noone is suggesting she owes her partner sex.

But it's clear her job is incompatible with any kind of life outside it (whether friends, hobbies or a relationship). And that doesn't mean op is wrong for wanting to put the job first, she just has to make peace with what the next year's will look like

I did similar juggling a high pressure job with single parenthood for years. I don't regret it, it was the right thing for me to do, to provide financial security after leaving my abusive ex. But I had to accept it was at the cost of friendships and my health.

Yep. This is in fact about both the crap partner and the issues with the job. There is no one single actual issue. They're both relevant.

@BitOutOfPractice I haven’t seen anyone saying the bf is entitled to expect sex, crucially from OP.

Many have said that if he wants to have sex more than she does then they are incompatible and should split up. Certainly, if he’s complaining about it or putting pressure on her then she should get rid asap.

I don’t think anyone has said OP should be having sex if she doesn’t want to or must “perform on demand for her man”.

But OP herself has linked her (lack of) sex drive to her job. Sex is - should be - a normal, positive part of life. If her work is stopping her from having/enjoying sex then it really is worth questioning whether something about the work needs to change. In that context it is also worth pointing out that her job is only going to get more stressful (long term), not less.

Man you sound so hard working and what a hard place to be. Im sending a hug. Sex is important to any relationship but so is love and compassion. it sounds like everything is just hard at the moment.

@Dash0Cal poor answer? Erm, thanks for the feedback. Except that is absolutely what lots of people on this thread are saying.

Poor answer. I don’t think anyone has said anything remotely like saying that her partner is entitled to expect sex. People are making the point that this is a long term issue, not a short term one, and that dealing with it might mean doing something radical - whether that’s a different partner or a different career or something else entirely.

It sounds like this was not actually a formal sabbatical: those are usually agreed in writing beforehand with an agreed return date, and the employee stays "employed" during that time, though often unpaid. If she actually left their employment with an intention of being re-hired at some unspecified point in future, she should have known that there was a high risk that they'd hire someone else to do the work. They can't fire that second person to give your friend her old job back, it's illegal.

If you plan to stay working in the City I'd ditch your DP now. In some ways it will get easier once your SQE is out the way, but it is a demanding job and you'll always have periods of long hours. Throughout my career I've had periods where I do nothing but work and sleep, and frankly sex is the last thing on my mind then.

With a job like that you need an incredibly understanding and supportive partner who isn't going to moan.

Ditch him or the job.

You've had a glimpse of what this man will be like if you go off sex in the future, if you're pregnant/ looking after kids, if you're stressed and knackered caring for elderly parents, or a busy period at work or when menopause comes. If he's pestering, sulking and starting an argument rather than asking how he can help this tells you a lot about what he thinks is important and, sad to say, it isn't your feelings :(

I have to say, once again, that this is the most depressingly and shockingly misogynistic thread I have read on mn for a long time. And that’s in a strong field.

Jobs like that are barely compatible with relationships. It depends what you want from life.

One of the most common deathbed regrets is spending a lot of time working instead of with loved ones.

You're not saying you're tired temporarily because of a tricky patch or illness or something, this is how your life will be on this path. You don't owe anyone sex but your partner also doesn't have to stick with someone who's basically absent.

Friend did their SQE quite a few years ago - can you get past papers to look at? Would this help?

My brother worked for a magic circle firm, he worked himself to getting cancer and then left the profession. A colleague of mine stepped off the roof one day at work. I had a nervous breakdown mid-career. Looking back, nothing I ever worked on in my corporate life has endured or has made any difference even though it seemed critically important at the time.

It's good to strive and be successful in your career. However, you need to remember that work isn't real, it's not life. Take care of yourself.