To resent my father because he's rich and could help me ?

Because expectations are meaningless if the person you’re expecting something from doesn’t consider themself beholden.

‘Should’ doesn’t come into it. Of course you can expect something if you’re so inclined, but that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to get it. The bottom line is that it’s his money, and his daughter/mumsnet thinking he should X, Y or Z with it means precisely fuck all.

Imo it’s foolish to count on anything that isn’t yours. Unless what you’re expecting is disappointment.

The difference is you have no relationship with your father.

Fully agree

OP - I'm really struggling financially, disabled DD, no other family. I'm in my 60s, no sign of being able to retire.

I wasn't brought up by my father and he has another family similar ages who enjoy every privilege his wealth can buy - I get to see their multiple exotic holidays on instagram and read about my father's trips in the press. But not only will he not help me, he actually avoids me just in case I ask (I never even hinted that I might). I was thinking yesterday if he died I'd be devastated and if I died he'd be relieved and crossing his fingers my kids don't ask him for anything.

It's a long road to try not to care, but one you have to walk. I think you said earlier, life isn't fair. However, I too struggle with this MN thing that parents must NEVER be expected to help their kids and I wish I could understand that attitude, even if I didn't agree with it I'd love some insight, but its like a MN taboo! I think that plus you not posting all the details means you'll get nowhere fast here.

Agree with first sentence.

And yes, it would be abuse if we are to believe what the OP says, but given all the OP has said, even if all true, she isn't in much of a position to be an impartial witness. It depends very much on your point of view. I was not my fathers biggest fan, and yes, he controlled all the money in the household. But that was commonplace in "traditional marriages" - I doubt my mum knew how to open a bank account nor that she wanted to open one. For many older people, this was simply the way things were. And in some households, still are.

That said, if I was talking about a controlling parent who used money as a weapon, the last thing I would want would be to be beholden to them for something like private school fees. That's simply handing over control. One has to wonder why the OP would rather be under her absuive fathers thrall than stand on her own two feet and cut her cloth.

Had my doubts about the legitimacy of this post right from the beginning, but scrolled through it anyway...
What concerns me is the absence of OP's mum - she hardly gets a mention:
'He's always controlled my mum with money and treated her like dirt'.
That's financial abuse and possible emotional abuse.
Are they still in a relationship, or did i miss that bit? Has mum ever sought help for his controlling behaviour? Has she considered leaving? Is she able to?

PS and if he says no, and you resent him, you can come on here and we’ll tell you YANBU 😉

it seems to me your anxiety about asking for his financial help is muddled up with the problems between him and your mum growing up and it’s interfering with your logic.

Could you email him straight out saying “dad I need your help” Tell him the problem in the email or on the phone or in person (whatever), and see if it’s a yes or a no?

the email will take ten seconds, the convo no more than 3 minutes, and then you can move through to whatever the next step is.

All over in much less time than you’re investing in this question already.

On mumsnet people would never use their wealth to support their son/daughter in distress. However in the real world the normal thing to do is help your child, why wouldn't you. While I don't agree with private schools it would be difficult to just take your children out of the life that they know and put them in the local comprehensive, although needs must sometimes. I would help my son out in a heartbeat if he was struggling.
Although in your circumstances I wouldn't involve your dad in your financial plans. He sounds like he would weild that axe cruelly. Constantly dangling carrots he would make you beholden to him forever. I hope things get better for you but you need to plan beyond financial support from your dad it's not going to happen.

Your posts further in do not match with this
This is not a good relationship in general.

Well the point is she does.

If for example you needed an operation and there was a long waiting list, but your Dad could afford to pay for you to go private and didn’t, that’s pretty shocking IMO. Ditto being unwell and needing financial help to pay bills.
How could someone sit there and watch their child potentially lose their home, through no fault of their own, when they have the power to stop that from happening.

I’m in a very similar situation to you - working with a disability, narcissistic, verbally and mentally abusive father who enjoyed trying to control my mum with money.

For your own mental health, I think you need to stop engaging with your father’s attempts to control you with money and decide you don’t want anything from him.

Would millions of other grandparents help out in his position? Yes. Is that fair? No. But it is what it is.

Even if your dad helped you out, it sounds like it would have endless strings. Do you really want to become financially dependent on him given his personality? Do you want your children to be reliant on him? For him to hold the keys to their education?

Personally, I’d rather make lifestyle changes or continue working with ill health than be beholden to an abusive father. Whether he should or shouldn’t give you money is beside the point.

@grabbie Nobody should be commenting here without more info: nature and degree of illness, your financial status, your dads. Financial status, other siblings / dependants, your dad's own health and wellbeing also need to be considered. Anyone can make a statement like "I'd always help my kids" or "kids need to learn to be independent", but this depends upon context completely...

Critical illness policy?
Private healthcare?

Your Dad has never supported you or your family, he's not going to now. Unfortunately you're going to have to quit work and cut your cloth accordingly or keep working until you drop. I'm sure your kids would rather you took the first option and be as healthy as possible for as long as possible, if not you've raised them to be spoilt and entitled.

No YANBU. If dad is wealthy, but won't help you, when you have an illness, that is going to get worse, and he does not want to help his grand children he's does not seem very nnice. Lots if well off parents would help their kids in your situation. take care.

You don't like him
You don't want a relationship with him
You just want his money
I'm sorry for your health issues but no i don't expect your dad to pay. I can't see any mention of him having much of a relationship with the kids. You paint a picture of almost a stranger. Do you have critical illness policy or anything like that?

Sounds like DF is a bit of a power monster. Probably how he made and kept his money.
Also probably doesn't 'believe in MH or other debilitating illnesses' the type that don't show overtly until you are literally on your knees.
I don't know that you would lose anything by asking for help, financially or otherwise. I think for the DC school fees or trips or uniform would be very reasonable. I wouldn't expect DF to offer, he doesn't sound the type.
Be clear on what grounds the money is taken, I'd have a written agreement.

Maybe he teaching you to stand on your own 2 feet don't resent your father for having funds in his bank without elaborating more on yiur question yes yabu absolutely

I'm sorry you're in this situation op. You've had a bit of a tought time of it hear but you love your kids and I'm very sorry your health is deteriorating in such a way. You don't deserve that.

"They don't sew pockets in Shrouds"
100% I would help my kids without a doubt, you can't take it with you, so enjoy spending it, and looking after loved ones, especially if they are ill and struggling. In my mind it shouldn't even be a question, pity there's not more kindness and selflessness in the world op, I personally don't think you're wrong at all.

I mean, I disagree with private education on a basic level anyway so in terms of that aspect of your lifestyle op you'll not find much sympathy here.

I think if that's the only real difference you'd notice then yabu to expect hand outs. There are many of us who couldn't afford to pay for private education even with full time work and two parents contributing.

I would also say that free money usually is not ever really free, and having grown up with difficult relationships with my parents I would go (and have gone) without rather than be dependent on someone who would help with a caveat that could harm me in future. Your father sounds like someone you should have less to do with, not be beholden to.

I think either you ask directly for him to pay the school fees if that's a deal with the devil you want to make. Or you just let it go and either find other ways to cut back (holidays/ cars/expenses) or you move your child.