He says I love a painting more than him

My DH of twenty years has two painted pictures of his ex wife on the walls of the house I moved into (when his kids lived at home). They were done by a well known artist she modelled for and prints were made of them. her face doesn’t show in either so I wasn’t aware for a long time it was her and I actually like them.

I still wear jewellery my ex bought me too.

id probably move it to the spare room if it caused that much trouble but he’s with you now and imo it’s childish.

Well people are odd- we aren’t all perfect and we feel uncomfortable about different things for different reasons.

I’m not saying she should get rid of it, just try to cut him a little slack and move it out of his face. She’s said he’s not arty in any way - but she is and clearly that was an aspect of her life she shared with her ex.

Who knows, but if, as she says, he’s not jealous or controlling and this is a one-off I’d go the extra mile for him, if I thought it would help him feel better in what is effectively his home.

Sorry @BeLimeTiger but he would go before the painting. It is to put it bluntly, your baggage and if he cannot cope with a painting, how long before he starts to trawl the minutiae of your other previous relationships. I have bibs and bobs from old boyfriends and I have no intention of getting rid of my past because someone else does not like it. If he is that small minded, he gets thrown back.

Please don't get rid of the painting. It's not a detailed nude self portrait, it's a bird. You love it. Your ex is an art dealer. Naturally he gave you a painting. If he was a plumber your your partner insist that you replaced the boiler that your ex installed? If your partner doesn't appreciate art then he's only seeing it as a gift but you're seeing it as a thing of beauty in itself. I would attempt to explain that, and maybe compromise by, as you say, displaying it somewhere not too in his face auch as over the bed, but it isn't a love token to you now. It's a painting. Could he feel shut out of the shared art knowledge you and your ex had? Maybe you could invite him to get to know a bit more of that side of your world, some gallery trips etc?

If he insists then I would be thinking carefully about him. I have some beautiful antique art glass bought by an ex. No hard feelings but I don't associate it with him anymore. I love it for what it is and absolutely wouldn't be getting rid. It's on the sideboard. My DP knows it was a gift but doesn't seem it as a threat in any way, just that I love art and antiques.

OP and partner have been together for three years, not “a few weeks”. Also she says he’s not jealous or controlling. I think you’re projecting your ex-relationship onto hers.

So needy, insecure and unattractive.
I really would be thinking hard about living with someone like that in YOUR home.

I think it is very controlling and territorial in your home.
His issue to sort out.
Giving you the silent treatment too?

He's no prize OP.
Wake up and look at who he is showing you he is.

OP says he’s not jealous or controlling but he just feels a bit uncomfortable with this painting. Surely moving it to accommodate his discomfort isn’t too big an ask. I would.

But it is controlling. It is controlling to object to a painting solely because of an ex-bf connnection. That's the problem. he should be grown up enough to regulate emotions about a past relationship and a tangential connection to a painting. It's very odd. Like I said, bet if it was a ferrari he would have zero problem.

The difference is that you are happy with them.
OP’s partner isn’t.

I tend to agree. OP says he’s not jealous or controlling but he just feels a bit uncomfortable with this painting. Surely moving it to accommodate his discomfort isn’t too big an ask. I would.

This ! It’s a painting of a bird. Not a nude photo of your ex.

It's very controlling and childish to complain about something given by an ex.

If your ex had given you a ferrari, I doubt he'd be complaining about that and refusing to drive it.

Well, do you love him more than the painting?

You say he’s not jealous or controlling but for some reason this painting makes him uncomfortable. In what is now effectively his living room.

So even though you can’t understand him couldn’t you try to meet him halfway?

Move the painting to the spare room and choose something nice together for your shared living space?

Absolutely. His issue to work on, not yours to solve by appeasing his irrational jealousy about your past.

This is one of those little litmus tests in a relatively new relationship.

Being upset that your partner's ex existed and trying to block out any reminders of them is irrational. The root of that feeling is jealousy and territorialism, which is... not a great trait, and it's up to you to work on them if you feel them. It's not up to you to turn that on to your partner with an "if you really loved me you'd burn all trace of your ex" guilt trip/ultimatum.

Don't get rid of the painting, OP.

Quite! OP is hardly gonna treasure a piece she bought to appease her jealous moody DP.

His feelings about the painting are his to deal with imo, you telling him you don't think of your ex when you look at it should be enough to settle any insecurities he might have in a healthy, trusting relationship. The fact that he doesn't seem reassured by that is, as many PP's have pointed out, a red flag you really can't ignore because he's clearly unable to take you at your word and rationalise his feelings accordingly.

The fact that he's now sulking and stonewalling you are further red flags and I would be calmly pointing that out right about now and suggesting he has a go at being a mature adult instead if I were you. He'd have one chance then to prove this was some sort of one-off aberration and he does actually have some emotional intelligence and if that wasn't forthcoming I would be cutting my losses I'm afraid. And yes, I would be saying the same were the sexes reversed in this scenario, trusting your partners word when there's no evidence to the contrary is a pretty integral part of any healthy relationship imo.

Silent treatment to force you to comply is not a good thing.

Course I'd provide him with reassurance, but if what he was upset about was unreasonable and stemmed from baseless envy, as it is in the OP's case (which is what I was referencing, not knowing you and your DP), then I wouldn't prioritise his upset, no. Because that lends credence to his insecurity and doesn't actually reassure him. It just legitimises his belief that he can't trust me and that I do in fact still having feelings for the ex, so even though I've done as I'm told and sold the picture, it wouldn't actually fix anything. It's fine to prioritise each other if both people are being reasonable, but if one is being jealous and controlling then they don't need that indulging.

Odd for an adult to claim this.
If you like the painting, don't sell it.

Don't get rid of it - he needs to deal with it. Does he feel the need to compete or inadequate in some way?
Cripes knows what my partner would do if he felt like this. It is my children's home, they want pictures of their Dad around (deceased) & of us as a family. He has no issues with it & actually talks to them about their Dad.

Edited to add
But you can't compete with the dead luckily he doesn't feel the need to even try

Did your ex paint the painting, or buy it? For me that would make a difference. Buying a painting as a gift is about a shared interest, no different than buying a record or a book. Thoughtful (hopefully!) but it’s about the item. Producing a piece of art for someone you love is a really intimate gift and might be more about the relationship than the finished product.

He is being unreasonable. It may be a general source of insecurity for him that he can't connect with you over art, whereas your ex (and potentially other men) could, and he's fixating on the painting as evidence of this. A grown-up discussion might resolve this, but if he only wants to sulk then that tells you all you need to know.

In my experience, any jealousy about exes has been a sign that he's not over an ex, so it's really not looking good.

I've got jewellery from my ex-H that I still wear, perfume from an ex-bf, etc. They're things associated with that time in my life, but I'm not getting rid of them.