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AIBU?

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Original poster

He says I love a painting more than him

339 replies

BeLimeTiger · 07/12/2024 13:28

I have a painting in my living room that was a gift from my ex who was an art collector. I didn’t make a secret of where it came from when he asked me a couple of years back. It’s of a bird, so not a sexy nude or a scene from a place we went together. I agreed that we wouldn’t have it in a prominent place if we bought a house together (I was thinking maybe in a spare room). He said last night that it feels really uncomfortable about it (he now lives in my house) and compared it to him having a picture of his ex on the wall. I love it as a piece of art and don’t think of my ex when I look at it. I could sell it but the stubborn part of me wonders why I should get rid of something I love to make someone else happy. We’ve been together for over 3 years and my experience of him is that he’s not jealous or controlling.

I felt completely blindsided by him suddenly bringing it up last night and he took my reluctance to agree to take it down as a sign that I love the painting more than him.

YABU- sell the painting. Your DP feels uncomfortable about it being in the house
YANBU- sell it when you buy somewhere together

OP posts:
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Original poster
BeLimeTiger · 20/12/2024 20:42

Nogaxeh · 20/12/2024 17:57

My Ex once accused me of loving my laptop more than them. I denied this. They said that if I didn't admit to it, they would destroy my laptop with a hammer. I denied it. They destroyed my laptop with a hammer.

In a way this then made their accusation true, because it became difficult to love a person who would destroy anything that I enjoyed.

I would keep the painting. What your partner does is up to them.

I’m so sorry that happened to you. I know he wouldn’t destroy my painting but it’s definitely changed the dynamic between us. Your laptop wasn’t ‘the issue’ in the same way the painting isn’t

OP posts:
Cariadm · 20/12/2024 18:27

Nogaxeh · 20/12/2024 17:57

My Ex once accused me of loving my laptop more than them. I denied this. They said that if I didn't admit to it, they would destroy my laptop with a hammer. I denied it. They destroyed my laptop with a hammer.

In a way this then made their accusation true, because it became difficult to love a person who would destroy anything that I enjoyed.

I would keep the painting. What your partner does is up to them.

So glad to read that this fruitcake is your 'Ex'!!! 🙄

Nogaxeh · 20/12/2024 17:57

My Ex once accused me of loving my laptop more than them. I denied this. They said that if I didn't admit to it, they would destroy my laptop with a hammer. I denied it. They destroyed my laptop with a hammer.

In a way this then made their accusation true, because it became difficult to love a person who would destroy anything that I enjoyed.

I would keep the painting. What your partner does is up to them.

Original poster
BeLimeTiger · 20/12/2024 17:57

Grammarnut · 20/12/2024 15:55

I hope you are keeping the painting!

Show quote history

Yes I’m keeping it up where it’s always been. My gut feeling was that it’s a HIM problem and I posted in case I was missing some unwritten relationship norm. Just because he deletes every trace of exes (with the exception of his kids) doesn’t mean that I have to.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeLimeTiger · 20/12/2024 17:47

Washingupdone · 20/12/2024 17:23

I really think you should have an appointment, by yourself, with a solicitor, for future reference regarding him paying rent and where your finances stand for your home, incase you split. Please don’t think I am being funny.

I’ve done this already. I paid off my mortgage before he moved in so he’d have a very expensive and pointless legal battle on his hands. If we got married that would be different but I’m not interested in getting married

OP posts:
Washingupdone · 20/12/2024 17:23

I really think you should have an appointment, by yourself, with a solicitor, for future reference regarding him paying rent and where your finances stand for your home, incase you split. Please don’t think I am being funny.

DPotter · 20/12/2024 16:00

BeLimeTiger · 20/12/2024 15:22

To the people asking, yes he does pay to live here… half of the bills and a ‘rent’ amount. If he paid more then would that give him more of a say over whether or not the painting stays? I don’t really understand the relevance of the question.

There's been a couple of threads recently where partners have moved into homes and not paid their way. The poster has posted about other issues but the rent-free basis has come to light later on. Just seems to be a bit of a pattern at the moment.

And no - even if he pays rent, it doesn't give him the right to ask for your painting to be moved. As pp mentioned, his kids have a bedroom in your house, and you're OK with that so he should be OK about a gifted painting. Maybe worth mentioning the comparison to him.

Grammarnut · 20/12/2024 15:55

BeLimeTiger · 20/12/2024 15:22

To the people asking, yes he does pay to live here… half of the bills and a ‘rent’ amount. If he paid more then would that give him more of a say over whether or not the painting stays? I don’t really understand the relevance of the question.

I hope you are keeping the painting!

Original poster
BeLimeTiger · 20/12/2024 15:22

To the people asking, yes he does pay to live here… half of the bills and a ‘rent’ amount. If he paid more then would that give him more of a say over whether or not the painting stays? I don’t really understand the relevance of the question.

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 15/12/2024 14:44

He doesn't even pay rent, does he?

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 12:41

Have you pointed out his children are half from his ex and you’ve given them an entire room in your house?

GabriellaMontez · 15/12/2024 09:21

TrishM80 · 15/12/2024 05:49

I doubt there's one woman on this thread who'd be happy about their partner having little keepsakes of their exes dotted around the house!

The op has happily given up her spare room for his children.

AlertCat · 15/12/2024 09:12

TrishM80 · 15/12/2024 05:49

I doubt there's one woman on this thread who'd be happy about their partner having little keepsakes of their exes dotted around the house!

But live kids running around is fine?

In a relationship at anything over about 20, you have to accept that there was a whole lifetime of people and experiences before you. If the previous relationships are over then why does it matter who paid for this painting or that rug? Where would you draw the line, would you get rid of everything your new partner didn’t like? Everything you had as part of a previous relationship?

Nikki75 · 15/12/2024 08:59

Loweliffe · 15/12/2024 05:35

If it's a gift from an ex, it's always going to make current partner think of them. Can you not separate yourself from the painting? Why is it so important to you? A loved ones feelings is more important than an exes painting i.m.o

Or maybe people should grow up stop acting with such immaturity and be confident that in mature relationships we can accept that lots of us have had a life before a new person came along.
Should she wipe her memories from her mind too!!
It was a gift from someone she is no longer with shouts of insecurity immaturity and a need to call the shots within the relationship.
Loving genuine happy relationships aren't made up of the above end of.

Noshitsherlocks · 15/12/2024 07:14

Okay I am going against the grain here.

Put the painting away.

he’s being a bit of a knob but we are all human right? flawed, stupid, jealous.

if he gets pissy again then really think about what type of life you want.

TrishM80 · 15/12/2024 05:49

I doubt there's one woman on this thread who'd be happy about their partner having little keepsakes of their exes dotted around the house!

Loweliffe · 15/12/2024 05:35

If it's a gift from an ex, it's always going to make current partner think of them. Can you not separate yourself from the painting? Why is it so important to you? A loved ones feelings is more important than an exes painting i.m.o

OhcantthInkofaname · 14/12/2024 20:36

Even after many of us asked about his financial contributions to the household you haven't answered. I see a lot of red flags in your non answer.

Bigdawny1 · 14/12/2024 19:31

Bin him …. Gut x

Mrsgreen100 · 10/12/2024 17:39

Oh dear !
hope you are getting him to pay u rent , his office his childs room !
this is a worry be very careful OP its your home you own it , your rules
controlling behaviour from a manchild red flag in my book. Don’t dump him if you wanna keep him do but get your boundaries in order. It’s your house your rules goodness knows I hope he’s actually paying rent not just
contributions and paying half of bill et cetera is not the way forward get him to pay rent even if it’s a small amount this is the beginning of a slippery slope. I’ve been where you’re at.
and it didn't end well

Olive567 · 10/12/2024 09:17

If the original indignation and anger you felt at his comments has now ebbed away - that's understand in the cold light of day when you consider how your lives are now intertwined. However, these emotions are your truth and where your power resides. Carry on stamping them out and that's the way of depression and regrets etc - all to keep the peace and comfort of your life now. Not worth it OP. Listen hard to those troublesome gut feelings and don't ignore. One precious life etc.

Isthisit22 · 10/12/2024 07:01

Tread carefully here OP. Lots of red flags. Does he pay his fair share? Is your house protected?
He seems very entitled.

Whitste1 · 10/12/2024 06:56

BeLimeTiger · 09/12/2024 20:38

I’ve been working really long hours the last couple of days but all caught up now! Knowing he’s uncomfortable with the painting has sort of spoilt my enjoyment of it a bit. If he didn’t have the office and his DCs didn’t have the spare room I’d probably hang it in one of those spaces… that would seem a fair compromise. I’m not going to sell it or stuff it under a bed because I like it and art is meant to be enjoyed and this particular piece has been hanging on my wall for years. I didn’t even live with the person who bought me the painting and I’ve chosen to live with my DP because I see a long term future together.

OP you didn't really explain as to where this piece of art is going to end up? You said "to be enjoyed", but by whom? And because he's pissed off about it, you've decided it no longer brings you fulfilment as that falls in line with his (mental) narrative.

Fuck me, are you going to tell us next he's asking you to wear mini skirts, have bouffant hair and a smokey eye around the house so you're going to turn to MN for advice but do it anyway?!

Be careful, OP, he's got his way on this, and this sort of shit creeps in more and more when they've made a route in and indeed comfortable!

Horses7 · 09/12/2024 23:50

🚩🚩🚩🚩

Meltdown247 · 09/12/2024 21:58

BeLimeTiger · 09/12/2024 20:38

I’ve been working really long hours the last couple of days but all caught up now! Knowing he’s uncomfortable with the painting has sort of spoilt my enjoyment of it a bit. If he didn’t have the office and his DCs didn’t have the spare room I’d probably hang it in one of those spaces… that would seem a fair compromise. I’m not going to sell it or stuff it under a bed because I like it and art is meant to be enjoyed and this particular piece has been hanging on my wall for years. I didn’t even live with the person who bought me the painting and I’ve chosen to live with my DP because I see a long term future together.

Wow! Drip feed?
This is worse. He is pushing you through negative behaviour to manipulate you to do what he wants. How you don’t have the ick already is beyond me. This is just the start. Good luck OP.