To get through 17hour childcare shifts. Tips?

@SouthLondonMum22 same! And there's this weird conspiracy of silence that you can't really admit that because then you're a bad mother. But I bet LOADS of women felt that way.

Don't catch many men at the old paternity leave gig with the under-1s, that's for sure.

Nannies do work 17 hours without a break.

This is just life with a child and baby. It’ll change soon enough

Maybe drop a couple of the cleaner days and use the money to get an after school nanny 2 days a week. They could stay with the children and you could go for a swim or take up a hobby?

I would definitely speak to your GP about possible PND or low mood.

6 months in, it's probably time to stop sleeping in shifts?
I'd do a dream feed bottle at 10pm (or your DH could do this) before your bedtime and then hopefully the baby will sleep til 2am.
Do the 2am breastfeed and baby back to bed. If mine woke again at 5am I'd bring them in to bed with me to feed/snooze until 7.
If your DH does the morning school run, you could shower and get ready during the morning nap. That will give you more evening time to spend with your DH and DS.
Go out in the mornings with your baby - go to a baby group or class, meet friends for coffee. It will make you feel better.
During the afternoon nap, prep dinner and do any housework you need to do. Take a break and watch some TV or something.

I think you might be a little depressed.

Looking after small people is pretty relentless and I get where you are coming from. But it sounds like you have a really good routine sorted out, DH pulls his weight and you have a cleaner.

All that's missing is you feeling like a person. The only way to achieve that is to build in things for you in to the routine. So like you get to watch your fave tv programme whilst you get the baby to sleep in the sling or whatever. Get out the house daily and do something vaguely grown up, even if it's just to have a coffee with someone or mooch around the park or shops or whatever you can easily access. Read a book whilst bfing. Arrange for someone to look after the baby while you have your haircut or go to the dentist or do the shopping. Drive around until the baby is asleep and then sit and read your book/knit/crochet in the car. Have some days out in your local area - stuff that's free or cheap but baby might enjoy (but if they have a meltdown you can escape without feeling too resentful). Visit garden centres, animal farms, museums, parks, playgrounds, forests and so on.

The other thing is to do some special stuff with your toddler whilst DH has the baby, maybe at the weekend. Then you can assuage some of the mum guilt that maybe you are missing out on them as you are welded to the baby all the time.

It will get better - it just takes time.

I think you need to try and get out everyday… toddler group, swimming lessons, feed the ducks…

I think getting out everyday, even if just to the park is good. Have you got friends on Mat leave?
I know MN can be a bit funny about mum and baby groups but just socialising with other adults can be helpful. Or is there a gym with a creche you could leave baby for an hour?

It sounds like your DH is doing his fair share and you have help with cleaning etc.
Might you have PND?
The way you're describing it as a shift, maybe feels like you're a bit detached (sorry if I'm completely wrong)

Exactly.
What's the problem?

One school run @Tetchypants
The husband does the other one.

They almost do the same amount of childcare/housework but the husband works 12 hours ooh as well.

Op these answers may sound harsh, but a reality check of your privilege should help you work out if there's something deeper at play here.

If you do still think you're hard done by after reading these messages, I'd suggest a trip to the doctors to discuss pnd.

Do you think you may have PND?

Gently, this shouldn’t be so hard.
You seem to have more help/less stress than most people and so it’s a concern that you are struggling so much.

It seems your DH is doing a lot more than you but you’re still struggling.

You say 4-7 are the most challenging times.
Is that because of DS, DD or because it’s both of them together?

I would think of activities that you can do eg go to the park, feed the ducks, go swimming, have messy play, painting, play in the bath etc

I would get a playpen for DD which will make it easier to prepare dinner etc or spend time playing with DS.

Do you have an adult company apart from your DH?
I would look into playgroups for DD or activities that you can take DS to and chat to other adults.

I’m confused. It’s not a 17 hour “shift”, is it?
2am feed, yes… but then you’re back to sleep until 6am so let’s call it a 13 hour shift. She sleeps 3 hours of that, so we’re down to 10. You have a daily cleaner so zero housework to do. Two school runs, normal. Make tea, normal.

Your husband spends most of the night with a baby, goes to work for 12 hours, comes home and has baby given back to him.

I’m honestly struggling to see what the big problem is here other than you allowing yourself to be a victim.

What an odd take on a perfectly normal parenting situation.

Congratulations, if you give me a moment I’ll fetch you a medal!

Not everyone shares the same experiences

I’m wondering when your husband gets a chance to rest? Sounds like he is the one doing a lot more

I agree with lots of people that the actual problem is the exact opposite of what you say it is. The problem is that you don't have enough on, not that you have too much, and that you are bored shitless.

Your husband does so so much. 12 hours out at work, immediately in to 7pm to 2am childcare ie 7 hours, then he gets a grand total of 5 hours to himself to include sleep.

He takes your eldest to school so he's presumably at a breakfast club?

Whereas you have 3 hours in the day to yourself, plus 7pm to 2am, 7 hours so a total of 10 hours to yourself, double what your husband has.

Go out, do more, do something!, and that will solve your problems.

Do the school run yourself, make friends there, go for walks with your dd and friends.

DH takes DS to school each morning, he also pays for cleaners (we have them Monday to Friday- they tidy, clean, do laundry) and he also looks DD over the weekend more unless there are some household stuff to sort out - such as sorting out broken locks, sink, etc

presumably your diamond shoes pinch a bit too.

You are kidding, right?

I'm on maternity leave at the moment. DD is 4 months old (DS is nearly 8 years, too). She sleeps next to me during the night because I'm breastfeeding. I get up at 6am, get in the shower and get dressed. Get DD dressed, wake up DS for school. I then make breakfast and sort the lunchbox, tell DS to get dressed and ready for school about 5 million times. Get everyone in the car to take DS to school. Drop him off. We then go and do stuff. We either go to baby group, swimming, my exercise class or see friends/family. We are usually home for lunch, then go and pick up DS from school. I take him to rugby or swimming after school, DD in tow at all times. She just naps whenever and wherever she wants. We tend to come home at about 7pm and I get dinner sorted, everyone ready for bed. I read with DS and it's bedtime. We start over the next day.

We don't have a cleaner. I clean whenever I'm home for a bit or when DS is at his dad's. I keep busy, though. I think that was a mistake I made last time when I had DS. It took me forever to go out and I felt really isolated. My husband left just before DD's birth and is behaving like a right twat, so I also tend to have legal appointments and stuff like that to sort out whenever DS is at school.

Blimey. I don’t mean to be harsh but… catch yourself on.

You don’t even have to think about cleaning and laundry, for crying out loud.

If you’re bored by motherhood at the moment, fine, admit that. Address it practically. But you’re dressing it up like it’s societal pressure and you aren’t getting any breaks, help or downtime and that really doesn’t seem to be the case here.

I was a sahm when mine were small and it is pretty mundane and relentless so I do feel for you OP. I honestly don’t really remember that much of DC2 first year, although I did also have a 2 year old. Sleep deprivation does drive you a bit mental so maybe try and focus on your baby’s sleep and see if that helps, but I can’t really advise as although DC1 slept through from about 6 months, DC2 woke every night til she was about 3 so I don’t think there’s much you can do about it.

For me personally getting out and about pretty much every day is what saved my sanity. For us it was mostly toddler focused and the baby just fitted in. We had a routine of toddler group/ play date/ soft play/swimming/ playground etc in the morning and then home for lunch and nap. Afternoons we tended to stay home and just play, go in the garden, sometimes we’d go for a walk or something or to the park, and then tea for kids and bath and basically count down the hours until DH got home! On the 2 mornings DC1 had nursery I used to meet a friend for a coffee with the baby or go and do a supermarket shop

You just have the baby so presumably you can go to baby groups and other activities to occupy you during school hours. It is relentlessly dull though if you have nothing to do! After school is tedious for all parents I think, especially in winter but you could do an activity a night or 2 a week? Swimming lessons, beavers, gymnastics etc? Bit of play time, bit of tv time, reading practice, dinner, bath.

I’m not really sure what your issue is because it does just sound like life with kids. Are you bored or overwhelmed?

Same here!

@Workhardcryharder I was in this exact situation, except 6 months mat leave and was also going through a renovation in the middle of winter. No cleaner and having to wash clothes in sub zero temperatures and cook dinner in the microwave. It was my absolute pleasure to have that small bit of time with my newborn, and to be able to do the school run in the mornings.

I'm not sure if you're looking for serious answers or not, but realistically you just need to pay someone to pick DS up from school and then look after the baby while you're spending time with DS and cooking dinner. You could drop a couple of midweek days of your 5 day cleaners to cover it if you don't have the extra money.