Does everyone feel like this a lot as they get older?

That last post was to Farimatafa

Life's not that simple.
That may have been a solution for you, but it may not be a possibility for others.
Sometimes we end up as part time carers out of necessity because affordable, workable 24 hour alternatives do not exist.
There are numerous reasons as to why a woman may end up as carer for her parents and also her in-laws.

Aside from anything else, have you seen the cost/lack of availability/state of senior care services??

I've seen older women in real life,

shout amd scream at people many, many times.

I'm sure we all have.

That's easy. Nobody gets shouted at.

The other side of it is: you're allowed to feel angry. But you need to see how anger affects other people.

When you are angry at other people , and shout at them, it hurts them.

Have any of us been shouted at by someone and thought "oh that was great".

Do any of us enjoy being around angry people?

Anger causes a lot of damage to other people.

Then say no.

I was asked to help my elderly mother.

I said no, and I set up a carer for her.

I was determined not to be guilt tripped into doing it.

May I just add that if being perceived as attractive or pretty is important to someone and they're angry at that changing, it's just as valid as someone being angry at being caught in the caring trap.

I hate the trope of middle aged angry women being trotted out, especially by other women.

Yes, we are angry at times.

We're ALLOWED TO BE.

There's a million reasons for the anger. Women have been told to stifle their anger since childhood. In our middle years, some have reached the end of that tether and unleash. Its not a surprise that we are angry, it's that there's 40 plus years of stewing to release.

Anyone, male or female, who smugly tells pissed off middle aged women that it's just cos they're jealous of pretty girls (nope, I feel sorry for them, I know what's coming) should be ashamed of themselves.

Well I’ve been fortunate with the older women in my family and professional life as they have been, on the whole, nothing but kind and encouraging to me when I was younger. Apart from my mil but she would have resented anyone who married her son.

So it’s disappointing to see the “bitter, angry older woman” stereotype wheeled out on Mumsnet, when let’s face it, the half of the population with most anger issues is the male half!

Now I am older and my oxytocin levels are depleted I will admit to finding myself slightly irritated by what I would describe as the arrogance of youth I suppose among my daughters and their friends; that their generation is somehow superior and will get it right.

I sincerely hope they do by the way. And feel they have very good reasons to feel let down by society as a whole, so I try to be encouraging. But internally I reckon they will probably muddle through the best they can just like the rest of us.

My dds and their friends are in their early twenties and I can honestly say that I don’t feel a shred of jealousy about their looks; of course I look in the mirror and think “why’s my grey-haired mother staring back at me?” but personally I love looking at their beautiful faces, hairstyles and clothes and admire their energy! I might wish I had done more exercise in my life but that doesn’t mean I can’t admire their youth vicariously!

I do think that women my age though who have spent twenty-five years or more working and parenting and facilitating family life, are quite depleted.

They are tired of constantly “giving out” and caring for others and want to be a little selfish before they get too old to enjoy it!

But often, they don’t get this “golden” time of freedom because they are supporting elderly parents, or their adult children have come to live at home after university, or they are looking after grandchildren a few days a week. So we can feel overlooked and frustrated and like everyone is constantly looking to us to solve their problems.

There simply don’t seem to be the same expectations on men.

Yes but some of those women are creating those situations for themselves, and they need to learn to say no. They don't have to take care of elderly parents.

For example, I have an elderly mother.

Me and my siblings don't do any physcial care for her. We helped her to get carers.

She has three carers that go round to her house.l in different shifts. When she is older she will go into a nursing home.

No one has to care for their elderly parents.

I'm 43 and feel fine. People can annoy me but I'm also quite annoying so I think it evens out. My even-keel is probably helped by the fact I don't interact with the public very often. I think I would reach my limits quite often if I was in a customer service job.

Yes. I have to really work on being a calm, rational, and nice person. I constantly reframe things as positives and look for things I am grateful for. I think good mental health takes work.

She wrote about something that she doenst have to do though.

While it it a lovely thing to do.

You don't HAVE to look after your elderly parents.

They can get a carer.

@Farimatafa

I think it has more to do with how much women of our age end up having to juggle.
As well as kids, perimenopause, and all the rest, we often have the care of our elderly (and often sick) relatives, still paying the mortgage and finding there aren't enough hours in the day to do anything to rebalance how we feel.
How I look is literally the last thing on my mind, and the one good thing about that is not giving a monkey's about it/realising there are more important things to think about.
I'm actually enjoying feeling that pressure to present myself a certain way slip off my shoulders.
You seem strangely insistent that older women share a collective bitterness towards young women because they are no longer young themselves, but that's absolute projection.
You're ignoring all the positives that come with ageing and ascribing some pretty unpleasant personality traits to total strangers!

I find the general state of the world depresses me too, especially the increase in violence against women and girls etc.
FWIW, I've never treated young women in the way you describe, and most (probably not a single one...) older women that I know don't behave like the evil Queen from Snow White!

👏

Hi.

Yes we can talk about those other things too.

Not every woman has children.

You do have children.

I'm sorry that you feel overwhelmed with caring responsibilities.

What's happening with your dad. Are you the only person looking after him?

Does he have carers going in to him, to help you.

In in my early 60s. The menopause is in the distant past but it was easy enough. Didn't need any support or HRT.

I'm extraordinarily laid back nowadays. When I was younger I could be anxious and controlling. Nowadays very little bothers me. Inefficiency, bad driving, long queues, all water off a ducks back.

On the rare occasions that something riles me I speak up now. I'll write to a company or express dissatisfaction in the moment. It's not loud or dramatic - I will say I'm not happy with X because Y and that's the end of it. If it can be fixed or there's a compromise, that's great. If not, I'll remove myself from the situation and not return. I am no longer inclined to sort out other people's dramas.

That's nice. I'm glad that you feel good.

Why cherry pick just that bit? I don't want this thread to turn into a therapy session for you, but your posts show that being perceived as pretty is clearly very important to your emotional wellbeing, and you're projecting a lot of your fears of losing that onto others.

Women's responsibilities grow as we and our families age. Caring for aging parents at the same time as caring for children is agony. Being pretty is irrelevant when you've a father with alzheimers who needs you and a child with autism who needs you.

Pretty is ephemeral.

You have to let go of those feelings, or they will make you sick. All the best.

Wow didn’t realise I was an odd one out.

I’m the other way. The older I get the more chilled I feel about things. Don’t sweat the small stuff and all that.

And what a ridiculous post

How can someone "project about issues " on a public chat forum.

You do realise that is what a chat forum is for, yes?

Its here for people to talk about our own lives.

Like all the other posters on this thread have done

Bless you @Farimatafa You take care of yourself love.

Hahaha.

"Have you spoken to someone about this ".

So utterly predictable.

There should be a mumsnet bingo card game.

Someone always always says to someone that they disagree with

"Have you considered getting therapy".

They try to reduce what the poster is saying, by calling them mentally ill. I've seen it on loads of threads. It's nasty and disgusting.

Instead of just saying "I disagree with you".

You're projecting a LOT of issues throughout this thread ... Have you spoken to someone about this?

YOU are the only one who sounds very angry and bitter on this thread ...

Sounds like YOU are the one who jealous and threatened by younger, prettier women.

Are you OK. ???

.