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AIBU?

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Original poster

Dog at family christmas gathering

208 replies

Pippy2022 · 07/12/2024 00:21

I want my kids to join the big family gathering around Christmas time but a new 'big scary' dog will be there (pet of SIL). I can't speak directly to SIL and partner is useless communicator. Shall my kids just go on a separate day and not see rest of family or do I die from anxiety the whole time and pray for the best. Feeling quite annoyed about the whole thing tbh.

OP posts:
AmyFarahFowlerIsMyHero · 08/12/2024 20:31

LameBorzoi · 08/12/2024 20:17

I don't know where mumsnet finds all these "constantly barking" dogs. Ive seen the odd one be a little unsettled, but like with kids, it takes them time to learn. Most owners are pretty good (although as with all groups, there's always one who does the wrong thing).

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Exactly, most dogs who do get taken out to cafes and pubs are well socialised and don’t cause any noise or disruption. Often people don’t even realise that our dog is with us as she is lying under the table minding her own business after a long walk on the way there.

WhatNoRaisins · 08/12/2024 20:25

I'm not making it up. There was the sound of constantly barking dogs. I don't know if some of it was happy barking or not.

LameBorzoi · 08/12/2024 20:17

WhatNoRaisins · 08/12/2024 18:21

Personally I only enjoy dogs in appropriate environments like outdoors or at the dogs home. I'm not an expert in dog behaviour but from how some of them were constantly barking I wondered if they were stressed.

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I don't know where mumsnet finds all these "constantly barking" dogs. Ive seen the odd one be a little unsettled, but like with kids, it takes them time to learn. Most owners are pretty good (although as with all groups, there's always one who does the wrong thing).

WhatNoRaisins · 08/12/2024 18:21

AmyFarahFowlerIsMyHero · 08/12/2024 18:13

I love to see dogs out enjoying the day with their hooomans.

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Personally I only enjoy dogs in appropriate environments like outdoors or at the dogs home. I'm not an expert in dog behaviour but from how some of them were constantly barking I wondered if they were stressed.

Commonsense22 · 08/12/2024 18:18

I do have some sympathy.
There are many ND relatives in our family with dog fears however our little, loving dog is so wonderful she's won them all over to her cause.

But if your SIL’s dog is a barking German shepherd, it's not as easy an introduction. A dog doesn't have to be aggressive to be scary to a small child.

The thing is you're not clear easy you want. You can't unexist the dog so you have two choices - not go for Christmas or go for Christmas and coexist with the dog. It sounds like not going is the most suitable choice for your family, which entails confronting your DH.

You will either way have to just be brave and have a difficult conversation.

AmyFarahFowlerIsMyHero · 08/12/2024 18:13

WhatNoRaisins · 08/12/2024 17:59

Was trying to enjoy a cafe lunch today and it was full of barking dogs.

I love to see dogs out enjoying the day with their hooomans.

Balloonhearts · 08/12/2024 18:07

Big and scary? Are we talking aggressive or is your DP just being a bit pathetic?

Honestly this is a you problem. Dogs are commonplace. It's not the dog stopping your children seeing their family, it's you! They should have been taught from toddlers how to behave around animals and interact with them. This a basic piece of parenting.

There are going to be lots of things in life your kids don't like. Time they were taught that 'I don't like it' doesn't translate to 'it shouldn't be here'. If they're the ones with the problem, they're the ones to leave/adapt. Can't expect the rest of the family to change their plans to suit a child's preference.

If the dog was aggressive I'd understand but sounds like it isn't? In that case it's ridiculous to not visit because of it. Just explain to children how to act around it. Presumably you weren't planning on letting them run round screaming, grabbing it and misbehaving in any case?

RosieLeaf · 08/12/2024 18:06

If it’s a XL bully, or is known to bite, yanbu.

If it’s neither of those things, and you just want others to cater to you, your DH and your DC’s phobia - yabu.

SEN is irrelevant.

I realise all this is all pointless if you won’t even ring to find out what kind of a dog it is.

K0OLA1D · 08/12/2024 18:05

OonaStubbs · 08/12/2024 17:06

They get accused of being dog haters if they make a big deal of it in real life.

But but, I thought there were SO MANY like minded people out there??

Commonsense22 · 08/12/2024 18:00

I would just write to the family and say you're sorry but your children are scared of dogs and the prospect of Christmas is causing a lot of anxiety. Can they meet you without the dog in the afternoon somewhere neutral?

WhatNoRaisins · 08/12/2024 17:59

Was trying to enjoy a cafe lunch today and it was full of barking dogs.

ChristmasDieHard · 08/12/2024 17:59

SnoopySantaPaws · 07/12/2024 19:49

Yeah, people get a dog for a companion & to socialise with others who feel the same. So a book club that's dog friendly is great, if you don't like dogs join one that's not friendly.

FFS they're digs not dragons!!

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I would join a bring-your-dragon book club!

OonaStubbs · 08/12/2024 17:57

Beargrins · 08/12/2024 17:42

And how on earth would that work?
I've never noticed all this drama IRL.
If you don't like dogs, avoid, same as other preferences in life.

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How can you avoid them when they are allowed to be everywhere?

brunettemic · 08/12/2024 17:56

Just act like a grown up and ask. Basic info is normal, especially if your kids and scared of dogs. Might turn out to be a benefit for you as it could help them. This really is a you problem and if you’re not wiling to try and solve it with the obvious option of just finding out some information it doesn’t really matter what people here say.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 08/12/2024 17:44

If you're not that close, why are you so bothered about going? Do something lovely just your family instead 🎄

Beargrins · 08/12/2024 17:42

OonaStubbs · 08/12/2024 15:13

We should have a referendum on dogs. A lot of people are sick of them intruding into every area of their lives.

And how on earth would that work?
I've never noticed all this drama IRL.
If you don't like dogs, avoid, same as other preferences in life.

OonaStubbs · 08/12/2024 17:06

They get accused of being dog haters if they make a big deal of it in real life.

biscuitsandbooks · 08/12/2024 16:32

OonaStubbs · 08/12/2024 15:13

We should have a referendum on dogs. A lot of people are sick of them intruding into every area of their lives.

Only on MN.

AmyFarahFowlerIsMyHero · 08/12/2024 16:07

OonaStubbs · 08/12/2024 15:13

We should have a referendum on dogs. A lot of people are sick of them intruding into every area of their lives.

Dogs are part of their family so they will be treated as such by good owners.

K0OLA1D · 08/12/2024 15:24

OonaStubbs · 08/12/2024 15:13

We should have a referendum on dogs. A lot of people are sick of them intruding into every area of their lives.

I only see it on here

vodkaredbullgirl · 08/12/2024 15:19

OonaStubbs · 08/12/2024 15:13

We should have a referendum on dogs. A lot of people are sick of them intruding into every area of their lives.

Why don't you start a petition 🐕

OonaStubbs · 08/12/2024 15:13

We should have a referendum on dogs. A lot of people are sick of them intruding into every area of their lives.

Sunholidays · 08/12/2024 14:54

Catpuss66 · 07/12/2024 20:07

I get from your language using words like ‘leashed’ & ‘ dog park’ you are not English. Dogs in England are part of our everyday life. In public areas most owners are considerate of people who are not that comfortable around them. We do not have specific dog parks that I am aware of in the UK. In winter even beaches become completely dog friendly.

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Sadly, this is true.

myconfessionname · 08/12/2024 11:22

alanthecat · 07/12/2024 21:16

I think you just shouldn't go if your husband isn't willing to call and actually ask questions about the dog/discuss with your SIL how to manage the situation with a dog and children who are scared. Big and scary could mean anything- could be a big gentle giant, or could be a big reactive bully-type dog. If neither of you are willing to ask, then you'd be better off avoiding the situation.

I think it would also be good to try and get your kids used to dogs as much as you are able, although I can see you won't be able to do that before Xmas.

To be fair, some kids are just scared of dogs. I'm a MASSIVE dog lover (grew up with big breeds, love dogs of all shapes and sizes), my DH isn't a dog lover but isn't at all scared of them. My five year old has been around family members' dogs since he was a baby and hasn't had any particularly frightening experiences, apart from being jumped at by a small one once. He's absolutely terrified. He loves dogs from a distance, but can't cope with being in a room with one off-lead and shakes with fear if they come within touching distance. Even a family member's dog who he sees every week. He will stroke my friend's elderly shih tzu very gingerly if I'm there holding its collar and enjoys throwing a ball for my mum's dog, as long as someone is there to give him back the ball so the dog doesn't come too close. But we wouldn't be able to get him through the door of a friend's house, for example, if they had a dog there. No idea where the fear comes from but it can just happen- think he's the first non dog lover in the history of our family!

Transgenerational trauma?

OonaStubbs · 07/12/2024 21:30

A dog is just not for Christmas.

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