Freeloading CF school mum- class teacher Christmas gift - private school edition

Bloody hell, I'm a teacher and can't believe those gifts!

Anyway, totally fair not to get involved in whip rounds - I just think then the mum is being given opportunities to say no thanks, we'll do our own thing rather than claiming to be involved but not contributing.

Perfect

That's insane. My kids are at a London primary and I can think of maybe 3 or 4 families who would be able to afford that

The TAs choose to do that job knowing the salary. Their choice. They aren't saving lives here. Yes it's an important job but I don't think a john lewis voucher is going to make up for the government not paying them well enough.

I went to a private school and the fees were paid by a relative in another country. My family was below the poverty line. I'm not making a comment about this specific situation but you can't universally assume you know someone's financial situation because they are at a fee paying school.

I have worked in schools where there are strict limits about the value of gifts we are allowed to accept because of the potential for bribery. I think it was £30 max.

You’re being completely reasonable but I’m not sure the teacher will notice one name missing on the card. I wouldn’t, honestly.

Unless there is a little message from each parent/child on the card in which case the teacher will actually read it. Otherwise they will just glance at it and assume it’s from the whole class.

So you could put on the WhatsApp: will be putting a little (one sentence) from each child for the teacher please put them on this chat thank you. Then she will be forced to opt in or out.

If I don’t contribute to the class gifts, I don’t expect my kids’ names to be on the card. Especially when parents can give any amount.

It’s unfortunate that it’s only one child in this case. If it were half the class, I suspect it would feel less strange but this doesn’t change the above.

Your experience isn't everyone's experience. At the private school DS attends class gifts are very much an established norm

Just because parents have established this as a norm, that doesn't mean teachers expect it or think it should be the norm. My experience is from a teacher's point of view, though I only once bought a present for my own dc's teacher and have never contributed to whole-class collections when there were any.

But most government employees don’t have responsibility for the education, wellbeing and happiness of your children for most of the week! They also work in a profession that is underpaid for the responsibility- with no chance of a bonus. Don’t forget the TAs too - bet you wouldn’t fancy earning 1k a month.
Of course it’s down to the government really but I wouldn’t begrudge a teacher or TA a gift from a willing family!

Your experience isn't everyone's experience. At the private school DS attends class gifts are very much an established norm and not contributing (£10-20 usually) would be noticed by the other parents. I prefer to just do so rather than have DS stand out.

OP, I suspect your previous messages haven't been direct enough if you've had to send multiple of them and still not had the desired response. I would personally send one final message, explaining that if the money isn't received by X day/time, you hope she'll understand that her DCs name won't be included.

All this angst on MN about teacher presents is ridiculous. There is absolutely no need to buy teachers presents and certainly no need to pressure other parents about it. Teacher gift coordinators shouldn't even be a thing. Induvidual families can give the teacher a card and maybe a box of chocolates or whatever, IF they really want to. It's not expected. I say this as a teacher of 30 years' standing (private and state schools). £20 per family is well OTT.

State school here. Voucher set up but a £10 one (or what you can afford). I think it prob saves me money and hassle than if I bought something for teacher and TA plus some other organised mum is sorting it all out!! There’s no expectation to contribute and quite a few don’t. The card is always written from those who do contribute. It’s not passive aggressive- it’s just factual. If i didn’t contribute I would never expect to free load off some generic “from the class “ message on it. Never caused any issues for our lot. I do think £20 is excessive though.

You could've saved a lot of words and just written #bekind 🤢🤢

Views like yours are grist to the mill for CFs and what they rely on.

I've been a teacher and if the class have done individual gifts, lovely. A collection then it's also great! If it was signed by the names excluded one I would absolutely judge the parent of that child not the collector! I've been on the side of the OP and it's very frustrating when parents suggest and agree on a collection and then don't bother contributing!

I don’t think this woman is a freeloader, I think has the money or is restricted in her access to cash.

Appearances can be very deceptive.

I can’t agree with this. My daughter works in a private school in London and doesn’t have a lot of money. I know she very much appreciates being given vouchers by the parents, as do her colleagues. She is always grateful for the fact that the parents have made the effort to collect for her to show their appreciation.

If she can’t afford it (seems like she can) all she has to do is tell you she will sort a present herself. She is clearly a CF who doesn’t want to pay.

Maybe ask the parents for a short message from each child to add to the card. Or say you are going to put children’s names in the card this year. The teacher will know it’s not the DCs fault but the gift is not from her DC if they don’t contribute.

I agree. I think there should be a limit on gifts you're allowed to give government employees.

It's all got very silly

Bloody hell what's wrong with people that they think that's an acceptable amount to ask of anyone?

Interesting thread. Clearly lots of CF’ers out there.
No issue from my perspective for names on a card only from those who gifted.

We all know friends who are always last (most frequently never) to the bar, but will happily accept a drink from you or who leave the restaurant 5 mins before the bill and drop in cash which is never quite enough and never covers a tip. Or come to a friends at home gathering with very hungry kids and no contribution.

She wasn’t short of cash or suffering from spousal financial abuse she was just mean and saving for her 4th rental property (that she was happy to tell everyone about).

I finally snapped at the year 13 mums night out. We walked into the the pub together and she told me what I could get her. I said I think it’s your turn to buy at which point she said she needed to go to the loo. 12 minutes she was away (and yes I did count) and when she returned I told her what she could get me from the bar. She was really pissed off that I hadn’t got the drinks. I then made sure to drink tap water for the rest of the evening.

Very petty of me I know. But I had had enough,

….. and guess what her son started to do the exact same thing when he and my son started going to bars. After the 2nd time of my son saying ‘X’ hangs back from the bar, I told my son to just buy his own.

I’m with you OP!

Absolutely do not include her child’s name on gift. Just those that contributed and the personal messages from each sound lovely. If anyone is choosing to leave out the other child it’s their own mother. Not op.
And it’s to a teacher. She’s hardly going to exclude the child or feel differently about her. She knows it’s the mother who is being tight. Nothing wrong with that.

I’d say
“you seem to be able to reply to text, bank transfer takes 45 seconds about the same,so while you’re doing this years contribution could you send £60 to cover the last two years you also missed! “

The teacher will obviously understand that it is the mother who has failed. THe small child won't have a clue as the teacher will not make them feel left out when she says thank you. Why should the organiser of the gift allow one person not to pay but still be part of it?

Honestly even $180 is decent for a gift. Chuck that kids name on the gift and leave it at that. Be a decent person because at the end of the day that is what people will remember.