Freeloading CF school mum- class teacher Christmas gift - private school edition

I think it is funny you think being kind is sickening. So sad.

I think individual presents would mean more to your child’s teacher. It all sound a abut calculating and competitive to me.

At any school ….
It’s ok to choose to buy a teacher a present - either a class or an individual present.
It’s also ok to choose to not buy a teacher a present - either a class or an individual present.

Nobody has to buy a teacher present and I don’t believe teachers will take a dim view of those who don’t buy them a present.

….. but I really it’s not ok to take credit for something you actively choose not to financially contribute to (for whatever reason) and then shame other parents ‘so that your child isn’t left out’. A hand made personal card costs very little if money is tight, but we all know that the majority of offenders just don’t want to part with their cash and couldn’t be bothered to make a card!

I'm a TA at a state school, and last Christmas at the school was my first one. I noticed a stark difference between the teacher gifts and TA gifts.

By the end of the day on the last day of term before Christmas, the teachers had 25+ presents, bouquets of flowers, gift bags, boxes of chocolates, cards, etc. The TA's had one or two gifts. Max.

I don't expect gifts. But seeing the difference between how the teachers and TAs were treated was really eye-opening.

Anyway, to the point of the OP - don't leave one child off. That's not fair.

At our school, the parents all do their own gifts individually.

£20 is a huge amount.

Leaving out 14 names is very different to leaving out just 1 name.

For those who think this is harsh as some have commented as such on my similar post. It's just the same as a few people clubbing together for a joint gift. Loads of parents/kids want to do something more personal and that's great but if you don't want to join the joint present then your name doesn't go on. It has nothing to do with leaving people out. Id say about 10 pate to out of 24 join the joint present. No way would we add the other 14 names to it.

Also, I don't think you do need to include names of people who don't contribute because not everyone will like the teacher/want to contribute, and others will choose to do their own things.....

*don't like to dictate the amount

We do similar in state school only it's a contribute what you like type of scenario, I don't like dictation the amount. Most people have done £20 (10 for Teacher and 10 for TA). I'd really recommend the collection pot app.....anyone who contributes can leave a message which you can get printed into a card, you can set it to have a min contribution or not. If you want to do something separate that's also fine.....

People find the act of omitting the name very mean/petty because the OP would be singling out one child (it’s a tiny class of 10 kids) so the teacher knows that that kid’s Mum didn’t contribute.

People want her to include the kids name, as it’s not their fault their Mum isn’t paying, in order to avoid shaming this child.

She may not be in charge of her self tbh
or her money,
I wouldn’t single anyone out just accept the situation and move on
you never know what is going on behind her closed door tbh
not worth excluding her as it has nothing to with her child but will be so noticeable by the said teacher

I don't understand tbh. Paying is not compulsory. She doesn't have to take part. The OP can omit her child's name. So what?

This.

Whether the mother is disorganised/CF/unwilling/whatever, it’s still a little child that is being deliberately alienated as a result, by adults that should act better.

I can’t imagine a universe where I got so bitter and resentful over a child being included on a class present/card that their parent didn’t contribute to.

Why are people desperate to explain away this woman’s blatant avoidance of paying? ADHD, controlling husband, poverty…the OP says that the woman is notorious for taking advantage of anything she can get for free, so call this what it is. She’s not skint when she’s going for dinner and drinks with the other school Mums. I’m sure nobody wants chapter and verse as to why she isn’t paying the £20, but she should at least confirm if she’s in or out with the organiser.

Don't guilt trip the OP for considering not putting CFd kid’s name on the card - the OP isn’t the one singling out this kid; their mother is doing that.

So what we do

Get the voucher for £180

Write a card out from... write 9 kids names

Photo it (the inside of card) and post in the class WhatsApp group

Thanks everyone for your generous donations! Ive managed to purchase a voucher for £180 and signed a card on everyone's behalf

Also, this is such an ignorant, almost jealousy tinged response. Yes, my parents pay the fees, they are hard working and kind and want the best for their grandkids. And they offered. But I don’t ask them for a single other thing or take anything else from them. So yes, we struggle, we make ends meet - just about. we shop at Asda and Lidl, we camp an hour away from our house for holidays (we can’t buy a big enough car to fit all of us and the camping stuff in, so have to stay close by to take 2 cars.)

I’m not pleading poverty, but we need to account for every penny. 🤷‍♀️

You are the problem, not her. She clearly does not want to be part of the "compulsory joy and happiness" crew that some school Mum's bring to the party but also does not want to say so to your face.
It sounds like you are more concerned about controlling everyone to contribute to the gift than actually just giving the gift itself.
Maybe she is paying down debt. Maybe she is highly disorganised. Maybe she just does not want to contribute.

Having been in your position, I took the good grace approach and simply wrote a card that thanked the teacher from all in the class. You say its not much money - so why are you making such a fuss? Why do you get to decide what she should do? The objective is to give the teacher a gift - not to force others who whether they are mean, miserable or broke are not contributing.

So she answers…to say that she didn’t do it. Lol

yeah, she has no intention to…but then her child shouldn’t really be into this mess now?

We used to get these moans every year

I really could not give a fuck who paid and who didn’t and was surprised it became such an issue and when I mentioned this on the WhatsApp group (as some felt the child shouldn’t sign the card) majority of parents seemed to agree

it’s really no big deal

60k 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

er, no.

Presumably your DC are at private school because you have very wealthy parents who believe paying for an education is worth it. And presumably you chose to have 4 children? You really could have said no to your parents’ offer to pay what must be around £60K a year to fund their education. Please don't insult is by pleading poverty.

She could be being financially controlled? And/Or maybe ask her to give you any amount she can spare in cash? Or 'ill pay your contribution and you can repay me when u can/got yourself organised' .

This thread makes me sad (I haven’t read the entire thing though). I have 4 children at private school. We struggle every month, we have 1 income that is below the national average. My parents pay the school fees. Looking at me, you’d think our family were high earning. I went to private school myself. Every Christmas I give £10 to each child’s collection. And I know for the younger years it doesn’t go far once you add in the TAs etc. but it’s all we can afford. Tbh, we can’t really afford to spend £40 on gifts at Christmas for teachers, but I don’t want the kids to be left out and the teachers are wonderful.

please don’t judge people with kids at private school. You’ve got no idea.

I’d put the 20 in for her and sign the card from the whole class. Let CF know you’ve done this and then ask her to transfer the money right away.

This sort of post really frustrates me. Just let everyone sign the card and if people don't contribute by the deadline just get the gift and put from the class. Who cares who contributes? People may be in debt and can't afford 20 quid. Why is it always about 'she didn't pay x so let's not include her name'. Also she might have ADHD. If most people can contribute then that's fine by me. No need to punish any parents and their kids for not coughing up 20 pounds for a card signature and part gift.