Freeloading CF school mum- class teacher Christmas gift - private school edition

It is only on MN that teachers ever express a preference for personalised gifts from individual children. Whilst the teachers at my DC school absolutely love a personalised note/poem/story from a child, they have collectively all agreed that vouchers or gifting something to the school for children to use are preferred.

Family and friends who are teachers very much agree with this sentiment and absolutely do not want personalised Etsy gifts with names/handprints of their pupils. Funnily enough they like to put their own children's equivalent in their house!

Many private schools place limits on gifts teachers can receive, especially those with wealthier intakes to avoid the perception of buying their influence

You're doing a good deed. When we did these, we called them group gifts vs class gifts. Everyone was welcome to opt in (suggested amount but any amount welcome) or out. The only issues I had during the collection were a few nosy parents who wanted to know how much each person had given & to direct what vouchers were purchased (but didn't want to organize the collection, ever). It was a time saving option for parents and a blessing for many teachers who didn't want another Christmas of 20+ little gifts, especially homemade food that they didn't want to eat. Many teachers said 'no gifts are expected or required, but if you'd like to, we'd appreciate vouchers to these stores where we often use our own money to buy supplies for the classroom.'

The cost of the collected amount vs everyone buying their own small gift was essentially the same amount (or less) to the teacher but in a far more useful/less wasteful form. Some people still opted to do their own gifts, no pressure. The card included the names of those who had contributed.

It's the £20 per child that's wrong. That's a crazy amount for the teachers xmas gift. £5 per child would be more than enough and much more appropriate.

I used to be Class Rep at a state school in a very wealthy area. It was always the wealthiest parents who didn’t cough up. Then they would open their wallet and give you one of the several £50 notes they had in there - it always felt like a you when they did that. The ones on a budget or benefits always gave something- or let us know they were doing their own thing.

I understand how you feel OP. Was in a very similar position in our child’s prep school. We put a deadline for contributions to the annual kitty, sent one gentle reminder after that passed to anyone who hadn’t paid and then left it at that. Signed the Christmas cards and end of year cards from the whole year group.

It’s annoying if you know for sure it’s not because of a lack of finance on her part but you’ll just have to grin and bear it.

I know several teachers on this thread have shown a preference for personalised gifts but when I worked at a primary school the teachers collectively all agreed in the staff room during a discussion that they would rather get vouchers for John Lewis (useful in run up to Christmas as you can also use in Waitrose) or an equivalent rather than 20 boxes of Maltesers or those personalised Etsy biros! Different folks, different strokes I guess

Think OP is getting a bit of uncalled for flack for simply trying to do something nice - co-ordinate a gift for teacher which enables them to buy a decent gift of their own choosing with a generous budget ((rather than a load of boxes of chocolates or toiletries she doesn't need) and sparing busy parents from the hassle of coming up with their own gift ideas/buying them/wrapping them etc.

If the CF doesn't want to contribute she just has to say so, maybe say she's doing her own thing. By not coughing up the funds when asked repeatedly she is being selfish and annoying. If her child's name is left off card they won't be thought badly off by the teacher, I'm sure, as teachers know how these things work - it will be their CF mum who will look bad, I doubt the child will have a clue what's going on anyway. Think asking twice for the money is enough, time to forget about CF and assume she's not interested.

I think if you leave out just one child's name it is going to reflect badly on you. The teacher will either not notice or they will notice but think that

1. you have forgotten to add the child's name or

1. you deliberately left out the child as the parent didn't cough up, which is the truth but it makes you look petty and vindictive.

Just add the child to the list for this year and stop asking parents for £20 from next year.

£20 per child? I would be direct and tell you where to go with that. Especially if I was paying full fees too.

I wouldn't expect my own name on the collective card either.

Expecting others to subsidize you because you’re disorganized or don’t have the guts to say “no thanks” or can’t be bothered, putting the organizer in this position, is super mean. It forces everyone else to feel petty, while she gets away with hypocrisy. £10/£20 isn’t beyond this parent. She has been reminded. It’s the third year. Either she should say “no thanks, not for us, and please don’t feel you need to include us in the card - we’ll do our own thing” (which I have done before, my thing being nothing for one specific teacher who was awful to my DS), or she should contribute. One or the other.

Leaving one child out is super mean. We do a whole class gift for the teacher (usually a voucher). Usually around 22 of the 30 parents contribute. The card is written from the whole class. I can’t bear to think of kids being excluded just because parents can’t/wont contribute. This is a state school btw. Same with year 6 leavers party, we factored into the cost that we would not get any money of some parents but we wanted to make sure all the kids could attend.

Petty to leave the name off, but not petty to not bung in a tenner when you’re paying full fees?

You hate the pressure these things make you feel, but not okay to feel pressured to give equal credit to people who have contributed and who haven’t?

Ok for you to feel all sorts of negative things, but not okay for the “victims” of your hypocrisy to not feel them?

It’s totally hypocritical to not contribute but want to take credit. Have the courage of your convictions: if you don’t want to be a party to these things, just say so. “Thanks but no thanks - and pls don’t feel you need to include me on the card either”. Simple. But she doesn’t want to give AND wants her name in the card. Having her cake and eating it. How is that not being a CF?

Honestly, I don't think the mother is being a CF here and I kind of think you are, OP.

1. I hate these kinds of whip rounds. There's so much pressure to participate and even if you say there's no minimum amount-if everyone else is contributing X amount-there feels like there's an expectation to contribute that amount.

2. She has already told you via her actions that she doesn't want to contribute. You shouldn't keep pestering her. She knows about the collection and how to contribute, yes? Then, leave it at that.

3. This doesn't seem to be a case where you've all got together, agreed to buy a present for X amount and share the cost equally. Therefore, one parent refusing to then contribute their previously-agreed amount means the remaining parents have to contribute more than originally agreed. This is a voucher being bought for the amount that has been raised. So, rather than £200, the teacher will be receiving £180. So, none of the other parents are being asked to pay more than originally discussed. So how is she freeloading by not contributing?

4. Leaving off the kid's name feels pointed and petty. You can do it-but it makes more sense to write "Merry Christmas from Class 1B," than it does to put each individual child's name on the card and leave off one. If I were the teacher receiving that-I'd take a dim view of the organiser.

Some people don't want or like contributing to these kinds of things-but feel a type of way about saying so. Given how you're acting about her not contributing now-I highly doubt you'd act any better if she came outright and told you.

As for the other stuff-if you're busy totting up the things you do for her and her child-hoping for reciprocation (and that's the only reason you're doing it)-just stop doing it. Clearly she's not got any intention of reciprocating so instead of feeling bitter and resentful about it-just stop doing it if you don't want to do it.

But I'm not sure where, in this particular instance, she's freeloading. No one is being asked to pay more on her behalf. Leaving the child off the class card reeks of pettiness and in a small class, it will be noticeable.

I just think these kinds of whip rounds create these kinds of issues organically. There's always one that doesn't want to or can't contribute or can't contribute at the same level as someone else. There's also always one or a few who enjoy spending other people's money for them and acting like CF's over other people's money. So it ends up turning what should be a nice, voluntary gesture into one that is loaded with expectations and pressure.

A gift to a teacher that is hundreds of pounds is ridiculous. It's meant to be a token gesture to thank them for their efforts-not what this is.

Despite the fact that it is a fee-paying school, it is possible that they may not actually have any spare money? I know a family where the child has a scholarship and the majority of their fees paid by bursaries. Any extras and uniform etc has to be paid by them and it is really stretching them. Another family has the school fees paid by grandparents - they don't have an extra £20 just to give away!

I used to organise a similar thing and we always just wrote “from the parents and children of class 3” or whatever (by general agreement). Yes it’s annoying when someone doesn’t pay in but I think it’s better than trying to single them out as a non payer, which is a bit uncomfortable for the teacher.

Put the kids name on the card. Make this the last year of doing the whip and blank the mother.

The other thing to add is that some parents who choose not to contribute actually don’t want their child’s name on the group gift. This was very much the case when once of my DC were at nursery - two parents did not contribute and were very annoyed when the card was addressed from all the children. Seems really odd to me but they were very upset by it

It's not that you literally wouldn't have time to check, it's that it probably wouldn't occur to you to do so. You'd just look at the card with a bunch of names on and think 'Aww - that's lovely'.

People give schoolteachers tips? I had no idea. I work for a university and don't get tipped.

If that was the case she could just say no tho. £20 barely buys a round of coffees and a flapjack.

Is that why you invited them? So it would be reciprocated?
This is about the child, yes the mum is probably a CF and you clearly don't like her but doe sit really matter so much if an extra childs name is on the car or the card just says "your class" or whatever.

I understand the feeling that leaving a child's name off the card could be seen as cruel.
Will the child actually be aware of this, are the children being approached en masse to add their name?
I suspect not.
The teacher will realise that it wasn’t the child's choice not to contribute.
Why should the other parents, in effect, cover for the non-contributor?