Freeloading CF school mum- class teacher Christmas gift - private school edition

All of this.

No, this is not fair. She's a leech. I say this as a private school parent. You may not want to contribute £15 or £20, but you can do better than a fiver.

I'd say something like this to the CF mum: Dear CF Mum. I'm sorry I have been pressurising the parents in our class for the last few years to spend a large amount of money because I was prejudiced about the financial situation of private school parents. I really regret that I considered shaming you and your child by making it clear to the teacher that you hadn't contributed to their present. I will stop asking for £20 every Christmas as it is a complete pointless exercise and I'm sure the teacher would be horrified if they knew how stressful it is for some of us.

I wonder if some CF parents know fine well that 90% of organisers of teacher gifts won’t leave one child’s name off of the card, and therefore have no real fire under them to pay their money (or to exclude themselves from the whole thing) as they know their kid will be included anyway.

I hate whip arounds. I always put in even when I don’t want to as don’t want my kids name not to be on the card 😩 my kids like to give a gift so a Lindt choc reindeer or similar so I then end up spending double!

Don’t organise something that makes you so annoyed.

I never put individuals names for this stuff, I write that it’s from the whole group. It’s too mean to leave out someone when it’s not the kid’s fault. Also what’s the purpose of the gift: make the teacher feel good that the class thought of her and give her sometime she’ll enjoy? Or to make the givers feel satisfied their contribution was personally acknowledged? Who is it about?

Given what you’ve written about this woman I find it very hard to believe you would have been ‘fine’ with a one pound contribution.

This is fair enough. I would do this.

I don't see the issue. Give the teacher the £180 that you have and sign it as from all the children.

And do your own individual thing next year.

Wow - my DC have been through preps and still at independents and I’ve never been asked to pay as much as £20. We were asked to contribute what we wanted from £5+, with the usual being £10.
I’d be organising my own present!
I don’t think it should be assumed that private school parents don’t have money worries and can cough up £20. Private school can make parents very cash poor!
I’d be sending her a message to say ‘deadline for contributions is X. If you wish to be included in the card, please could you pay by x latest’. I’d then send the card from everyone anyway, so the child isn’t excluded, but she will not know this.

Is there any chance her DH controls the finances and makes things difficult for her.

My friends' ex made sure he was the only one with online banking/banking app. She'd have to ask him to do anything like this and he'd make her look bad by holding out until the last minute.

Is her DH on the WA group as well?

That's awful just putting the names of the children down, whose parents have contributed. What does the organiser hope to achieve by this? It seems particularly meanspirited. Not everyone can afford to contribute to these big collections.
To the OP, £20 is a lot of money to expect for a collection.

I think £20 is a lot. Our private school WhatsApp is the same - everyone puts in £20 and I think it’s too much. I’m confident enough to message the organiser and say thanks but no thanks. I wonder if this person isn’t brave enough to say it so fobs you off. Not right and highly irritating but maybe a bit more understandable. You seem to know an awful lot about this persons spending habits

You say that now but based on everything else you’ve said I doubt it. If they gave less than £20 it would be spread around the other parents and they would be judged

Child has a few years of growing up to do before they can reciprocate 😂.

I'd rather have all the names and less money. The teachers remember the children, not the gift.

Yea leaving them out from a class present would be very mean.

I just wouldn’t bother doing it anymore and let everyone do their own thing. If they are in the same class the same thing will happen every year. Also £20 per child is ridiculous, there are probably other parents who feel pressured to contribute and would welcome the chance to just do a card and some sweets. As a teacher I would be embarrassed by that amount, it is pretty excessive.

I think leaving one child out because of the actions of their parent is cruel and if I was the class teacher I would have a low opinion of the adults who had done this

But you’ve decided to spend someone else’s money for them.
its a class present so needs to include all children but parents aren’t given a choice about it. £20 is a lot for something like that. £200 is a lot to gift the teacher.

I don’t get this, can’t parents buy their own individual presents to the teacher anymore
A voucher seems a bit 😬
I’m a teacher and used to adore receiving all the personal gifts

The only person you are singling out by excluding their name is a small child.

Hope it makes you proud to be that sort of person.

planning to sign it from the other nine children and not from CF’s child

If it's in the children's names I wouldn't. That's horrible. Yes, she's a nobber but that's not her child's fault. In the adult's names? Fine.