To stop DS going to a party as a punishment?

100% this! ⬆️

Also my top parenting tip that almost never failed me with my two -

A child will do almost anything you ask them to do if you turn it into a race

@nomoreparty has the person ‘supervising’ him offered to help or indeed explained how they let this happen?

You can break it down. Give him a box or a bag and ask him to put the soft toys in it. Ask him to make a pile of tops or of socks. Set a timer for 5 minutes and you pile up one thing while he does another.

You have a choice how to handle this, deal it in a proactive proportionate way. Don’t stop him going to the party. And whomever’s watch it is in future he needs much better supervision.

Do you get him involved with chores? Show him how to do stuff like laundry, cooking, dusting etc? He needs to be involved in how the household is run and play a part in it in an age appropriate way. Maybe he’ll be less interested in making a mess.

But it’s in your hands to make something happen 👍. It doesn’t need to mean party cancelled, but there can be a smaller and more immediate consequence.
it’s probably too late now so draw a line under it today , for both of you , and tomorrow is a fresh start.

You sound frustrated and exhausted. It can make everything seem much worse when you are tired.

fresh start tomorrow , and when /if it happens again, immediate proportional response eg. “Now you have to help me tidy up” or “no tv until we have done this together”

good luck

This.

Why are you blaming a 4 year old more than the person(s) who were supposed to be caring for him at the time? Why are they not doing the clearing up?

I am a bit baffled by you saying that you can’t make him clean it up. Why on earth not? You are the parent…

There's also being left to play alone and being left to play alone

Even at 5, if I just sent my younger one upstairs to play, who knows what I would find afterwards

If I set him up with something, like Lego, suggest he tries to build blah blah, then I can usually leave him to it for a while - but even then I need to check in periodically

If nothing has happened, that's down to you.

At this age I wouldn't stop him from going to the party, but other nice things might be missing.

If it were me, I would leave the washing where it was so it doesn't just look like the fairies clean it up, and he understands that someone in the house has to sort it out. So if that means no trip to the park in the morning because you are busy tidying up, so be it.

But I wouldn't take a party away

You can make him sort it out, or at least part of it. What's the reason you don't have time?

But yes most 4 year olds can play upstairs for a while with little to no supervision, you're not wrong about that. But until he can show he can play nicely and tidy up after himself then he shouldn't be allowed to

If he did it earlier and you weren't there, who was watching him? Who hasn't made him clear it up? Seems like he's getting away with it. What's happened when he's done it before?

Most may be able to, but yours can't. You parent the child you have, not the child you think you ought to have.

Well maybe don't make him sort it, but he has to put it in a pile on the bed or something. So he's still clearing up and knowing what he did was wrong.

As other posters have said there's no quick fix with behaviours, it's just consistent and immediate consequences at that age. Sending a hug though OP. Parenting toddlers can be hard work and relentless

A lot of 4 yo can't. No. Too high expectations.

Every child is different. When my eldest was 4 he could have been left on a different floor of the house and would have played nicely and probably looked at books. But my youngest needs more supervision and will just go with insane ideas-however dangerous!

But at 4 we would not punish next day for something done the day before. It would be immediate. A tantrum based in anger was a clear time out and naughtiness was about less screen time or a favourite toy on timeout for the rest of the day.

I think you need to accept your child needs more supervision but make sure actions have immediate consequences

Some can. My friend had one of these, I didn't.

But I supervised a LOT more than she did and DD learned that any messes were hers to clean up. Has to be done in a certain way though, depending on accidental or unthinking or deliberate.

You're avoiding saying whose watch it was. But from your exasperated tone, I'm guessing shit partner. Could be wrong.

My son (now ten) used to do stuff like this. And I used to feel just like you - I get it, it’s infuriating. Turns out my son has ADHD. In his brain, he’s not trashing the place. And he definitely does not see the mess the way I do. He barely sees it at all 😂 Not saying your son does, just worth considering.

Your expectations are off. What your friends do is irrelevant. Your child needs actively parenting. Normal level attention by the sounds of it.

I assume you have dp problem, not parenting a 4 year old and leaving you to pick up the pieces?

But you're going to start so start with him helping one room at a time. He won't learn if you keep letting him get away with it.
Where were you while he was trashing the house why let him out of your sight if he keeps doing it?

How is he able to ‘trash’ things
he is 4…. Who is allowing him to trash things?
Why is he be left alone to trash things?