To stop DS going to a party as a punishment?

Sorry no, that’s way over the top. Help him understand and do better in future instead.

He will never learn if you take this approach. Short term pain for long term gain. You need to make him do it in order to go to the party. I know it will take you longer but it will help him learn, and you will eventually have to do it less often.

If he did this whilst with someone else I would not trust them as far as I could throw them! They didn’t rake any care of him. What are the care arrangements? They simply aren’t good enough.

Of course you can, unless there are significant SEN issues at play. If no SEN, you sound like you are scared of a 4 year old, which is very worrying.

You just tell him to pick up the things one by one; he'll not do it again.

How long was he left unsupervised op? Because he did not did do that level of destruction in 5/10 mins. Someone would have heard it from another floor.

Seriously wtf was going on?

Did you not read the post? He also threw the sofa cushions on the floor. CALL THE POLICE.

Forget about MN - go sort the mess and do whatever you need to do to get through the rest of today.

then start again tomorrow

there isn’t a single one of us on here that hasn’t had a day where we weren’t at our best at parenting .

if today has been the worse day, then you know tomorrow will be better

take care and good luck

I think you need to go on the relationships board and start a thread about your useless, I'm assuming, DP/DH who punishes you for time away from your child by letting him trash the house and leaves you to clean it up.

You need support with that. And the parenting. But that first.

Apart from..... you and DP need to parent differently as your child's impulse control isn't advanced yet, and they probably need lots more 1 on 1 time with adults

He’s 4, he doesn’t actually need to actually clean up though, just think that he has. Make him put it in piles for example. Utterly useless to you, but he would learn a lesson.

I’ve never got this far as my 4 year old still will not tolerate being left on his own. If there is someone else in the house he is bothering with them. But on the off chance he would be left alone he absolutely could not be unsupervised for more than a few minutes. There are a few of his friends who could, but the majority? No.

But what about the person who was supposed to be caring for him? Why no mention of them?

How is he meant to learn, otherwise? Of course he should help clean up, even if it inevitably makes it harder for you. It’s called parenting.

For that level of destruction to happen was he alone in the house or something?! The kid is FOUR. Punish whoever wasn’t watching him. he’s probably trashing things for attention because you aren’t giving him enough as he seems to be expected to spend a fair bit of time alone which is really not normal at that age.

What is your punishment for the person who was supervising ?
They can tidy up while you go out to the party

I know you've said, more than once, that he can't help you clean up, because it isn't really helping and will make a long job even longer. That is true but, as others have pointed out, he won't learn if he never has to clean up his own mess. He can easily put the sofa cushions back on the sofa. Maybe they won't be in exactly the right place, but he can do it. You can bring a box and the laundry basket into the room you choose to start in and hand him items, telling him which go in the 'sell on ebay' box and which go in the clean laundry pile. Really, at this point in the evening, I wouldn't bother getting everything absolutely perfect. Separated into piles in the spare room is good enough until tomorrow.

Your 4 year old is not being parented properly.

You/your DP know that your child has no impulse control therefore you and DP, as the adults , should make sure your child is supervised adequately until he DOES have impulse control

It doesn't matter what other 4 year olds do.....your child is as they are, and YOU have to supervise appropriately

I'm amazed that you are considering punishing your child when you ALREADY KNOW that they can't stop creating mess atm ......your bad, you need to parent differently

He's 4.
If B happens as a result of A, it needs to happen directly after A. B happening tomorrow will not be a punishment for A, because he won't link the two together, even if he remembers A happening, which is by no means certain! Even if you stopped him going to the party tomorrow, he would likely have no understanding that it is a result of his behaviour today.

"DS trashing the house is a real issue - he just chucks cushions off the sofa, empties drawers of toys onto the floor - the house is permanently trashed and I’m fed up of it." "I can’t have him clean up. It’s taking hours and instructions him where this would go would take ten times longer." You've missed the point though.

So, tidying takes hours, and I guess annoys and bores you, so why do you tidy? Ever? Why don't you just leave the mess? In fact, why don't you join him in trashing stuff? You could chuck cushions, or empty stuff out of drawers - why don't you? My guess is:

• you like to be able to find stuff when you (or he) needs it?
• you don't want you or others to trip over it?
• you don't want it to get stepped on or broken?
• you like the house to look tidy maybe when people come round?

Yabu
He is 4
He is a tiny child who for whatever reason has been left loose
You are treating him as a much older child
He needed supervision
He needs to put three toys In toybox To make a point
Whoever was (not) supervising tidies up

Children do daft things
Draw on walls etcetc are you going to get mad if he ever does that?
Teach do not punish

Oh this sounds very much like a DH/DP problem. Don’t blame your 4 year old for their failure to parent. Mine is 3 and would chuck all the cushions on the floor and throw his toys around if I let him but I’m always nearby and as others have said, you need direct consequences (i.e. picking them up). It is painful to watch especially if you are in a rush and they are absolutely useless but you just need to do it.

A 4yo 'helping' does not need to be actually helpful though, does it? You're using it as a consequence. Rather than getting to do what he wants he is with you, bored, cleaning up. Do you mean he will refuse to do it?

He must have been left unsupervised for a very long time to cause that much destruction. Was he alone? The adult asleep? Because there's no way he's done all that in 5 minutes.

To have made as much mess as you say with the pictures provided that's a problem with supervision, he hasn't been watched at all and has been allowed to continue just going in everything and emptying everything, and when he DOES do that he has no consequences there and then or a way to learn from that behaviour - even if this takes hours, make him pick up 3-4 things and emphasise this will have to happen every time he makes a mess. But has to be there and then, not stopping him from going to a party the next day , its pointless, he will be angry and upset and have no idea it's related to his behaviour the previous day, and it won't change nor will he learn from being kept back that the reason was because of him being messy.