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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop DS going to a party as a punishment?

141 replies

nomoreparty · 06/12/2024 18:39

DS trashing the house is a real issue - he just chucks cushions off the sofa, empties drawers of toys onto the floor - the house is permanently trashed and I’m fed up of it.

Today he went upstairs and threw the contents of the laundry basket everywhere along with the piles of clean washing and some old clothes from the spare room i was going to sell. It honestly looks like it’s been ransacked.

He was booked into a Christmas party tomorrow and I’m considering telling him he’s not going now. I’m absolutely fed up. AIBU?

OP posts:
minisoksmakehardwork · 06/12/2024 20:59

Mmmm. I did it to my 14yo, after telling him that if a specific unwanted behaviour continued, he would not be attending his friends house. At 4, I got them to help tidy up. It doesn't have to be all of it but he's not too young to learn the direct consequences of his actions. Ie until all the decorations are put back/toys in their boxes/clothes are piled in the corner, you're not watching tv/playing etc.

But... if your child is behaving like this all the time, I would look at what else is happening in the household. If all the 'wife work' is falling to you and your husband/partner is not supervising his child adequately, it could be your son is attention seeking.

Waffle19 · 06/12/2024 20:58

nomoreparty · 06/12/2024 20:04

We can argue all night about whether he should clear it up or not and I think you’ll just have to take my word it’s way beyond the level of a four year old. I am trying to sort it now and it’s going to take me forever. I accepted quite early on in the thread missing the party wasn’t appropriate, and fair enough. So there probably isn’t much else to say.

You keep missing the point OP, it’s not about him tidying it all up but him doing a couple of small bits as a natural consequence. He can be doing that alongside you doing the actual proper tidying

Nc546888 · 06/12/2024 20:58

4…. YABU

Calmhappyandhealthy · 06/12/2024 20:52

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2024 20:48

That's why OP is not saying who was actually 'watching' him...

My worry is that the reason she won't name the adult is that the adult is abusive to her.

Yes. I agree.

But the child needs 1 to 1 supervision, regardless

justasking111 · 06/12/2024 20:50

nomoreparty · 06/12/2024 18:43

Sorry that would help. 4.

I can’t have him clean up. It’s taking hours and instructions him where this would go and that would go would take ten times longer.

What do you mean what goes where taking hours. Cushions, toys.

Hercisback1 · 06/12/2024 20:48

You're not a failure. The looker afterer is.

I agree with PPs that 4yo should be involved in some of the clean up.

puddingandsun · 06/12/2024 20:48

Yet your solution is to take it on the child.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2024 20:48

That's why OP is not saying who was actually 'watching' him...

My worry is that the reason she won't name the adult is that the adult is abusive to her.

Calmhappyandhealthy · 06/12/2024 20:47

I just don't understand why you would leave a child who creates destruction alone......to create destruction

I simply don't understand why you'd do this

Original poster
nomoreparty · 06/12/2024 20:46

We’ve established that, thanks.

OP posts:
puddingandsun · 06/12/2024 20:45

Hercisback1 · 06/12/2024 20:42

How the hell was a 4yo able to get all this done without anyone noticing and stopping?

I think k the 4yo isn't the problem.

Of course the four year old isn't. That's why OP is not saying who was actually 'watching' him...

Hercisback1 · 06/12/2024 20:42

How the hell was a 4yo able to get all this done without anyone noticing and stopping?

I think k the 4yo isn't the problem.

Original poster
nomoreparty · 06/12/2024 20:40

allthatfalafel · 06/12/2024 20:14

Did you not read the post? He also threw the sofa cushions on the floor. CALL THE POLICE.

Show quote history

That really isn’t what he did.

There was a huge box in the spare room which was organised quite well with clothes of different sizes / gender (yes I know MN) ready to be sent to buyers on Vinted, toys, books and so on, it isn’t that he’s thrown a few of them around.

Christmas decorations have been torn down and chucked round, books thrown around, drawers emptied of underwear, socks etc. So old clothes are muddled in with new, dirty washing with clean, added to that tornado is decorations and toys and books and cards and my clothes and … you get the picture. People barking at me to parent and tell him that this cardigan needs to be folded and put back in this place … we can’t do it.

I obviously won’t be calling the police but I am upset and feeling like a massive failure as a parent, wife, everything. I cannot for the life of me understand why literally everything is in such complete disarray when all I do is clean and tidy. It’s horrible, really has an effect on my temper and mental health. Anyway, that’s gone off the original subject a bit.

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 06/12/2024 20:36

Reasonable thing to do. This is not neglect such as leaving things on the floor.

Stick to your guns OP.

Diomi · 06/12/2024 20:33

It sounds like he needs more exercise. Wear him out with very long walks/bike rides/swims/ play ground sessions.

lanthanum · 06/12/2024 20:29

It doesn't have to take much longer tidying up with him helping than without. You don't have to give him big tasks, or even useful ones - he just needs to feel he's having to help. If you've got a big pile of clothes to sort into clean/dirty/to sell, just put the receptacle for the dirty/to sell ones in different places. He brings you things, you keep the clean ones and fold them ready to put away, and pile the others to give him one at a time to put in the right place. He'll be kept busy walking backwards and forwards until you've got all the clean ones sorted. And it all needs to be done before bedtime, and no more messing things up if he wants to go to the party. (Removing the party as an unrelated consequence would be harsh, but giving him due warning that everything needs to be tidy to go is not unreasonable.)

(He's probably in bed by now, but for next time...)

BeachRide · 06/12/2024 20:27

nomoreparty · 06/12/2024 20:18

@FiveWhatByFiveWhat adult downstairs DS up. But to be honest yes, he could. I have seen him; he just manically empties drawers on the floor and then chucks them around the place. Many times I’ve been tempted to throw literally every possession he has away. It’s unlikely he’d care but it’s just in a desperate attempt to stop the house being wrecked. Stupidly, I put some cards in a drawer and moved the drawers in an attempt to make more room and he took them out and threw them everywhere.

Anyway, as I have said I’m calmer now. I just really need to sort this place out. The worst thing is it’s literally all I do, clean and tidy and I am so so sick of it!

Sounds like he's inherited your impulsively, OP. Put a stairgate at the bottom of the stairs and supervise him.

VivaVivaa · 06/12/2024 20:24

nomoreparty · 06/12/2024 20:18

@FiveWhatByFiveWhat adult downstairs DS up. But to be honest yes, he could. I have seen him; he just manically empties drawers on the floor and then chucks them around the place. Many times I’ve been tempted to throw literally every possession he has away. It’s unlikely he’d care but it’s just in a desperate attempt to stop the house being wrecked. Stupidly, I put some cards in a drawer and moved the drawers in an attempt to make more room and he took them out and threw them everywhere.

Anyway, as I have said I’m calmer now. I just really need to sort this place out. The worst thing is it’s literally all I do, clean and tidy and I am so so sick of it!

Is this just if left to his own devices? What happens if an adult is directly engaging him in play? Is he still this destructive?

yehisaidit · 06/12/2024 20:23

nomoreparty · 06/12/2024 18:43

Sorry that would help. 4.

I can’t have him clean up. It’s taking hours and instructions him where this would go and that would go would take ten times longer.

Yes it would. The first time.

He'd soon learn his actions have consequences and next time think twice.

You're not teaching him this, hence he thinks it's ok to do it.

If you want to teach your child something, anything even, you have to put in the time.

puddingandsun · 06/12/2024 20:22

Your expectations are way off.

And punishments don't really work. You teach them by correcting/ modelling/ explaining/ including in play...
Stop thinking he's doing this to wind you up or on purpose. He just needs more time to learn.

BluePapillon · 06/12/2024 20:22

BluePapillon · 06/12/2024 20:19

How come you’re tidying it up? What about the adult who was supposed to be supervising when it happened? Why aren’t they tidying it up?

And to add to that - to ‘trash’ it as badly as you say he’d have to have been going at it - why aren’t you more angry the adult was nowhere to be found and your son could have been getting up to god knows what? If he’s as out to control as you seem to be implying surely you’re more worried for his safety?

Ruthar · 06/12/2024 20:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/12/2024 20:19

Who was the adult OP?

BluePapillon · 06/12/2024 20:19

How come you’re tidying it up? What about the adult who was supposed to be supervising when it happened? Why aren’t they tidying it up?

MotherJessAndKittens · 06/12/2024 20:19

Even if he does a little cleaning - his toys or his clothes or a bit of both he will think he’s helping and it’s a start.