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Original poster

Badly behaved child at funeral

335 replies

bizzybeing · 06/12/2024 07:39

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

OP posts:
Moonlightstars · 06/12/2024 13:01

luckylavender · 06/12/2024 10:37

Funerals aren't for the deceased though are they? They are for the living.

Show quote history

Well to a point. But funerals are tailored for the people is being remembered.
My MIL wants hymns and a full service followed by afternoon tea. My mum what's a humanist service in a forest followed with her ashes being scattered and a big piss up! My MIL with not want children running around whereas my mum would probably encourage it.
Absolutely doesn't excuse the OPs DB though!

Radamanth · 06/12/2024 13:00

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 06/12/2024 12:54

Am I being rude and unpleasant?
I don't think I am.

I mean you called OP a liar and told her you pitied her. That wasn't necessary at all.

Edited

What you've said isn't true.

Hyperbole much?

Workhardcryharder · 06/12/2024 12:59

whalesonthebus · 06/12/2024 08:23

Sorry for your loss. This sounds like something my late grandfather would have found hilarious, however the parents should obviously have known better and taken the child outside. DH’s aunt died a few years ago and his cousin literally brought a packed lunch for her 2 year old child (the deceased’s grandson) to eat in the church during the service. We were sitting behind them and watched with amazement as they were crunching on Pringles, vegetable sticks etc, I think there was even a frube. They hadn’t travelled far and it was a fairly short service.

As in the deceased aunts son/daughter? I think that’s fair - They want to be at the funeral, they might not be able to/want to leave their kid, and snacks are distracting!

Radamanth · 06/12/2024 12:57

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 06/12/2024 12:54

Am I being rude and unpleasant?
I don't think I am.

I mean you called OP a liar and told her you pitied her. That wasn't necessary at all.

Edited

I questioned it, and she affirmed it. And then I did say eek, I'm sorry if she has a family member that says such bonkers things.

I think that's ok.

Radamanth · 06/12/2024 12:55

It's ok to have divergent opinions. I think. I've not horrored anyone.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 06/12/2024 12:54

Am I being rude and unpleasant?
I don't think I am.

I mean you called OP a liar and told her you pitied her. That wasn't necessary at all.

Beeloux · 06/12/2024 12:54

So sorry for your loss.
That’s terrible! They should have removed her.
I took my dc (almost 3 the time) to a family funeral. I was very clear to him he had to be quiet and stay seated before the service. Also sat on the end of the aisle beside the exit incase he started acting up and I needed to make a beeline. Thankfully he behaved very well.

At 5, she should know better. One of her parents should have escorted her out until the service was over!

Radamanth · 06/12/2024 12:53

Am I being rude and unpleasant?

I don't think I am.

Radamanth · 06/12/2024 12:52

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 06/12/2024 12:51

@Radamanth why are you so rude and unpleasant? Grow up.

Eh?

OrlandointheWilderness · 06/12/2024 12:52

Well the child is 5 - some young kids cannot resist a crowd. The fault is with the parents who should have been actively parenting.

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 06/12/2024 12:51

@Radamanth why are you so rude and unpleasant? Grow up.

Radamanth · 06/12/2024 12:51

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2024 12:27

Why are you disagree with the person who was discussing their own parents funeral?

You can't tell someone they shouldn't have been upset!

Show quote history

It was their grandparent.

Ultimately I can disagree with whatever I like.

I didn't tell them they couldn't be upset.

You can be upset about whatever you like.

I just said I wasn't upset about my grandparents' death. Despite loving them.

WarmFrogPond · 06/12/2024 12:48

Pluvia · 06/12/2024 12:44

It was an informal service with a humanist celebrant. She tried to prevent the first child from participating but the parents were very pushy, and after that she had no chance. And of course all the family, with their more indulgent attitudes, were at the front. The friends and older and more horrified family members towards the back just got up and left. Several of us, having helped ourselves to the buffet and had a drink in the hotel where the wake was hosted, got up and left again when the beaming families and over-excited children started to arrive.

Well, surely that worked out well for everyone, then?

Pluvia · 06/12/2024 12:44

It was an informal service with a humanist celebrant. She tried to prevent the first child from participating but the parents were very pushy, and after that she had no chance. And of course all the family, with their more indulgent attitudes, were at the front. The friends and older and more horrified family members towards the back just got up and left. Several of us, having helped ourselves to the buffet and had a drink in the hotel where the wake was hosted, got up and left again when the beaming families and over-excited children started to arrive.

hottytot · 06/12/2024 12:44

that's terrible. some parents today have really lost all reason. so sorry that happened to you. if my kids did that (which they wouldn't!) I would remove them myself and we'd just wait outside out of respect and consideration.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2024 12:28

Pluvia · 06/12/2024 12:18

You're not unreasonable at all, OP. I remember one particularly awful funeral where not only did several children constantly disrupt the service, but demanded to join in the eulogies after hearing adults speak. Indulgent parents asked that their 7-year-old be allowed to speak about grandma (cue child in the limelight, with nothing to say and parents prompting about how much he'd loved grandma, and him just mucking about with the microphone). Of course every other child also then wanted to get up and not say something while twirling around with the microphone and singing bits from Frozen... I was one of around 50% of mourners who left in the middle of it and went to the venue where the wake was being held. We decided to eat and drink in peace before the spoiled brats arrived and ruined the wake, too.

And the vicar/celebrant didn't intervene?

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2024 12:27

Radamanth · 06/12/2024 10:02

We're going to have to disagree. I don't think the death of a much-loved person who has lived more than the natural span is sad. I think it's joyous that they got to do that. I don't see death after a good life as sad. It's a well fucking done. And I'm glad you were there.

Show quote history

Why are you disagree with the person who was discussing their own parents funeral?

You can't tell someone they shouldn't have been upset!

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2024 12:23

Radamanth · 06/12/2024 10:02

We're going to have to disagree. I don't think the death of a much-loved person who has lived more than the natural span is sad. I think it's joyous that they got to do that. I don't see death after a good life as sad. It's a well fucking done. And I'm glad you were there.

Show quote history

Disagree all you like but it wasn't your mum's funeral

Sorry

Internet playing up

ScholesPanda · 06/12/2024 12:20

Terrible behavior, but the fault of the ineffectual parents rather than the child.

However, unless a very close relative I probably wouldn't take a child to a funeral until they are 10-12 yrs old tbh.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2024 12:20

charlieinthehaystack · 06/12/2024 09:52

i understand why children did not used to be at funerals. to be honest if people get very emotional and upset its a lot to cope with for me as an adult, but a child surely would wonder why their aunt/mum/dad etc would be crying so much. you cannot really explain grief to young children and as for this child she would have been marched out of church.

i remember years ago a very posh wedding just before the service my uncle gave me a sticky lollipop. mum lost her mind worrying i would get dirty so she took it away from me. i didnt show off as she said i could have it back at the reception plus also forgot all about it with all the excitement of the bride etc. unfortunately my uncle who had a wicked sense of humour during the vows whispered to me
' where's your lollipop' i was only 3 so hence lots of yelling during which my dad was ordered to take me out of the church!

I'm not seeing your uncle's 'humour' at all there

Pluvia · 06/12/2024 12:18

You're not unreasonable at all, OP. I remember one particularly awful funeral where not only did several children constantly disrupt the service, but demanded to join in the eulogies after hearing adults speak. Indulgent parents asked that their 7-year-old be allowed to speak about grandma (cue child in the limelight, with nothing to say and parents prompting about how much he'd loved grandma, and him just mucking about with the microphone). Of course every other child also then wanted to get up and not say something while twirling around with the microphone and singing bits from Frozen... I was one of around 50% of mourners who left in the middle of it and went to the venue where the wake was being held. We decided to eat and drink in peace before the spoiled brats arrived and ruined the wake, too.

Kisskiss · 06/12/2024 12:18

Crazycatlady79 · 06/12/2024 12:01

Instead of referring to your DN as a "badly behaved brat", maybe see where culpability lies, which is with the useless parents.
And, if the rest of you are so feeble as not have intervened, then you're all enablers.

Agree it’s the parents who are ruining her, but o don’t think anybody else could have intervened as you’re not really meant to parent someone else’s child either!!!

Kisskiss · 06/12/2024 12:16

It’s on her parents, they should have removed her.
i Had to take My 2 year old to my dh’s dads funeral and whisked him straight out once he started doing his toddler nonsense, it’s not that hard !!

Bettergetthebunker · 06/12/2024 12:10

It would have been better for them to take her out but in all I would have thought your grandad would be smiling about the cheekiness of it somewhere.

Fireworknight · 06/12/2024 12:05

Crazycatlady79 · 06/12/2024 12:01

Instead of referring to your DN as a "badly behaved brat", maybe see where culpability lies, which is with the useless parents.
And, if the rest of you are so feeble as not have intervened, then you're all enablers.

Part of me agrees with your enabler comment, but unfortunately, parents today don’t respond to kindly to other adults telling their child off.

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