Page 2 | Badly behaved child at funeral

bizzybeing · 2024-12-06T07:39:35+00:00

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them. The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them. We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk. My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head. AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service? FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

pumpkinpillow · 08/12/2024 10:34

I world be judging anyone that took a child under 10 ish to a funeral

Judge away. Or maybe accept that other families, religions and cultures are different to yours.

Many children under 10 attended my Mum and Dad's funeral. Speaking only for only my 2 children it has absolutely not harmed them and they behaved appropriately. Seeing all the grandchildren explore the woodland burial site was lovely and healthy. The grandchildren were my parents' world. They would have been astonished if we (their children) attended w/o them.

TheaBrandt · 08/12/2024 09:42

Have to agree to disagree on this one. Funerals are no place for young children. Older children and teens yes.

BringMeTea · 08/12/2024 09:40

Absolutely horrible people to have allowed this. I think I would have removed her myself tbh.

DogInATent · 08/12/2024 09:40

TheaBrandt · 08/12/2024 08:52

Agree. It’s inappropriate on so many levels I world be judging anyone that took a child under 10 ish to a funeral. We didn’t go to my grandfathers. Remember seeing my granny sobbing at the kitchen table and found that upsetting enough. I was 6. We spent the afternoon with grandparents neighbours. Protects the children and the mourners.

Excluding children from death doesn't help them. Funerals serve a purpose, they're a ritual marker between the death and the period after. Once children are old enough to know the deceased and to miss them after they are dead, why would you choose to exclude them from societies rituals around that?

Sadcafe · 08/12/2024 09:39

Personal decisions children at funerals, never took ours to my dads when they were younger than 10, definitely think a child doing cartwheels at the front is unacceptable but, what would her great grandad have thought, my dad, who at the time had grandkids only, would have found it funny

DogInATent · 08/12/2024 09:36

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2024 00:35

Attitudes these days tickle me (not really)

We have more and more child-free weddings because people want their 'perfect day' yet weddings are a celebration and a joyous and fun time. And receptions are generally a meal followed by music and dancing with family which children love. But No. Mustn't spoil the service, or the photos

Yet funerals, which are generally sad and solemn occasions with a tearful congregation are now a perfect opportunity to take your babies and children because they need to 'learn' and 'death is part of life'. Even though they are often too young to understand, can't cope with sitting still for too long in a situation which is dull for them and often disturb people who just want to cope with their grief.
Yes, take them to the wake. They do enhance them. People have said their goodbyes and now is the time to reminisce and children need to be a part of that

If you look back, those opposed to child-free funerals are also opposed to child-free weddings.

WarmFrogPond · 08/12/2024 09:29

mikado1 · 08/12/2024 09:05

Judge away - my DPs would have been delighted to see their 10 gc at their funerals, doing readings, offertories etc. It's all life as the priest said, smiling. All ten behaved impeccably throughout both services and it would have seemed v strange for them not to have been there. No one was wailing or weeping, most people are quite numb at that point, but my dc saw plenty of tears from me at home that morning. Nothing wrong with that, it is healthy to be OK with all emotions. They knew how much their GPs were loved and how said we were to say goodbye. Afterwards of course they loved the meal and drinks and playing with their cousins.

Show quote history

Yes.Funerals should be full of children from babyhood onwards.

mikado1 · 08/12/2024 09:05

TheaBrandt · 08/12/2024 08:52

Agree. It’s inappropriate on so many levels I world be judging anyone that took a child under 10 ish to a funeral. We didn’t go to my grandfathers. Remember seeing my granny sobbing at the kitchen table and found that upsetting enough. I was 6. We spent the afternoon with grandparents neighbours. Protects the children and the mourners.

Judge away - my DPs would have been delighted to see their 10 gc at their funerals, doing readings, offertories etc. It's all life as the priest said, smiling. All ten behaved impeccably throughout both services and it would have seemed v strange for them not to have been there. No one was wailing or weeping, most people are quite numb at that point, but my dc saw plenty of tears from me at home that morning. Nothing wrong with that, it is healthy to be OK with all emotions. They knew how much their GPs were loved and how said we were to say goodbye. Afterwards of course they loved the meal and drinks and playing with their cousins.

TheaBrandt · 08/12/2024 08:52

Agree. It’s inappropriate on so many levels I world be judging anyone that took a child under 10 ish to a funeral. We didn’t go to my grandfathers. Remember seeing my granny sobbing at the kitchen table and found that upsetting enough. I was 6. We spent the afternoon with grandparents neighbours. Protects the children and the mourners.

Pumpkincozynights · 08/12/2024 08:17

I’ve never heard of taking children to funerals,

Maddy70 · 08/12/2024 08:05

One of the parents should have talen her out

Currygirl · 08/12/2024 06:58

That's I'd awful behaviour.

I'd have marched her out myself.

CalmBalonz · 08/12/2024 01:53

Never take kids to a funeral.

pumpkinpillow · 08/12/2024 00:53

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2024 00:35

Attitudes these days tickle me (not really)

We have more and more child-free weddings because people want their 'perfect day' yet weddings are a celebration and a joyous and fun time. And receptions are generally a meal followed by music and dancing with family which children love. But No. Mustn't spoil the service, or the photos

Yet funerals, which are generally sad and solemn occasions with a tearful congregation are now a perfect opportunity to take your babies and children because they need to 'learn' and 'death is part of life'. Even though they are often too young to understand, can't cope with sitting still for too long in a situation which is dull for them and often disturb people who just want to cope with their grief.
Yes, take them to the wake. They do enhance them. People have said their goodbyes and now is the time to reminisce and children need to be a part of that

Within my family we have never had child free weddings or funerals and I can't think of a single problem. We are a large family with lots of children, so babes in arms up to too cool teenagers have been to lots of ceremonies. They've been taken out if needed (crying baby), raised smiles and helped. Their presence hasn't ever been questioned.

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2024 00:35

Attitudes these days tickle me (not really)

We have more and more child-free weddings because people want their 'perfect day' yet weddings are a celebration and a joyous and fun time. And receptions are generally a meal followed by music and dancing with family which children love. But No. Mustn't spoil the service, or the photos

Yet funerals, which are generally sad and solemn occasions with a tearful congregation are now a perfect opportunity to take your babies and children because they need to 'learn' and 'death is part of life'. Even though they are often too young to understand, can't cope with sitting still for too long in a situation which is dull for them and often disturb people who just want to cope with their grief.
Yes, take them to the wake. They do enhance them. People have said their goodbyes and now is the time to reminisce and children need to be a part of that

pumpkinpillow · 08/12/2024 00:25

Personally I don’t think a funeral is great for a child of that age, you have unpredictable behaviour, can sit for shorter periods of time depending on the child. And they don’t always fully understand especially if it is their first experience with death.

I disagree. No need to shield them from this inevitability. Better they learn when they are children and have it explained to them in an age appropriate way. Children are pretty resilient. The main thing I remember about my grandma's death and funeral is my Mum being really upset (which unsettled me more than losing my grandma who I loved but in my eyes was old) and that the funeral would be pretty boring. I was very surprised that the wake was quite a lively affair. The one and only time I saw my Dad cry was when his own Mum died (and he was not in her country).
I believe these experiences as a child helped me manage the enormous grief of losing my parents and also enabled me to talk to my own children at that time.

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2024 00:24

stayathomer · 06/12/2024 11:25

Easy to say it but they probably both wanted to be there for the funeral. Sorry for your loss but cut people a bit of slack at times like this.

They had options.

And why should cutting them some slack affect other people?

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2024 00:23

Growlybear83 · 06/12/2024 11:01

@PaleBrunette So what if the child might have had an epic tantrum? At five, she is still small enough to be picked up and carried out far enough away from the service to not be heard. I realise that most five year olds probably won't have attended funerals before and won't really understand death, but it certainly isn't too young to understand that when your parents tell you that you are to sit quietly, not talk, and sit still for less than an hour, you bloody well do as you are told!

This is why I don't agree with young children at funerals

If they need taking out they've already caused a disturbance

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2024 00:15

Radamanth · 06/12/2024 10:10

I don't feel sad about my elders dying. It's inevitable. I loved them. I enjoyed our time. I am very glad they were here. The end is, as the end is.

I don't want anyone to be sad when I die, I want them to be glad they knew me.

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You must realise that most people don't agree with you here

Nanny0gg · 08/12/2024 00:12

Cacaococo · 07/12/2024 07:49

Maybe your DB and/or SIL are autistic?

🙄

Cazareeto1 · 08/12/2024 00:01

Personally I don’t think a funeral is great for a child of that age, you have unpredictable behaviour, can sit for shorter periods of time depending on the child. And they don’t always fully understand especially if it is their first experience with death. Depending on how close they were to the person who sadly passed away if they were close then they should be allowed to attend but if they didn’t see them often then I wouldn’t take a child that age. One of them should have taken her out side to calm down then had a word with her, given another chance then if same behaviour removed for rest of the funeral till the wake. Same again at the wake. Parents fault they know their child best..

MayNov · 07/12/2024 23:47

I really don’t think the 5 year old is to blame, the blame falls solely on the parents.

PumpkinSly · 07/12/2024 19:37

100% the parents are absolute fuckwits. I took my daughter (who was a month off her 5th birthday) and my just turned 7 year old son to my granddad's funeral. They were told what to expect, we explained what we expected from them and what the occasion meant to others. They were both very well behaved. If they had started getting restless (as is to be expected from young kids) my husband would have taken them out. The child was old enough to understand, but the parents decided to put their child, and their inability to parent, ahead of the feelings of the other people at the funeral.

J3001 · 07/12/2024 19:20

Nealy 15 yr this month for my mam my 2 boys 9 my 4 yr old were at her funeral in the crem and never murmered and not once had to be told to behave

Deeperthantheocean · 07/12/2024 19:12

No way José! One of them should've taken her outside, very disrespectful. You don't 'try' you do.