Would you stay with this man?

I suspect your mental, emotional and even physical health will be much improved if you leave this awful man.

I’d spend my recovery time making plans to leave. He’s a wanker and you can’t depend on him for anything at all.
Alternatively if you decide to stay with him for financial reasons (nice house, higher income etc) then you can mentally check out of this relationship. Think of him as your annoying housemate and rely on him for nothing. Although at some point you might need help or care again so that’s not a great solution.

Id give him a last chance and say “your behaviour the past couple of weeks has been such that I am seriously considering ending our marriage and I absolutely will unless I see an enormous improvement immediately. I bet you don’t speak to your boss like shit at work even if you are stressed so kindly don’t speak to your family like that. Good night”.

Then if excuses or more bullshit i actually would leave him.

So he's fine if he can't be lazy and get me time.

Came here to say: I read the title and by the time you’re asking the question, the answer is always “no!”

He’s a horrible selfish man baby who doesn’t care about you.

When I came out of hospital 6 weeks ago my DP cooked, cleaned, cared for our baby, fed me, helped me shower and dress, and brought me whatever I needed, all alone without any help. He was happy to, because he loves me. I’m sure you’d do all that for someone too.

But this man doesn’t love you. You’re an appliance that isn’t working and he’s annoyed. He’s completely unreasonable and pathetic and you deserve better.

Life throws us curve balls, it's part and parcel of life. Yes, your husband has taken up some of the slack due to your accident, but if your daughter and sister weren't there helping, he'd be doing much much more. Many men out there, work full-time and come home and do more than your husband on a daily basis, all the time, not just because their wife is unwell!!! I think he needs to get a grip on reality, quite honestly. Normally, his life is quite cushy, you do most of the domestic stuff, he goes to work and puts your son to bed. He's throwing a massive immature tantrum because he's having to do more, and life isn't what he's used too. He's a grown adult, not a teenager. You need a calm but honest conversation with him. What would he do if the shoe were on the other foot, and you were behaving like a spoilt child because you had to help him?! I bet it would be a different story. You need his support. Yes, life has thrown crap at him, but life does that, he needs to be adult about it.

Agree with previous posters - tell him to get out.

We should never have to beg or cry to get our needs met, and no amount of being overwhelmed or busy is an excuse for that happening.

That’s horrible. He should be treating you with respect, concern and love.

He sounds unpleasant.

if he treats you like this I would have to ask
if he loves you?

your daughter is watching this - would you want her in this type of relationship?

I couldn’t stay with a man who is so cold, lazy and selfish.

My view is you should weight up his attitude and how you feel being with him against the realities of what single parenting would look like for you, with a disabled child.

I think you should hold off make any decisions while you're recovering.

Honestly these men "under a lot of stress" really grind my gears.

OP, I am a lone parent. I have NO help from my ex. Zero. I do EVERYTHING at home - work full time, responsible for all bills, all housework, everything child related. Do I speak to my loved ones like shit and use being stressed as an excuse? No I don't, I get on with it because it's part of adulting. If he can't pick up a bit of slack temporarily while you're recovering then I don't know what to say.

OP, have you ever had cause to think he is autistic?

I only say this as my DH is autistic and this is what he can be like when I'm unwell. He's so completely stressed, he can't cope very well. He also has PTSD and very low self esteem.

When things are ticking over, the relationship is wonderful and he's kind, considerate and caring. But when I'm very unwell and then when had a major surgery last year, he was cold, distant, and just a bit crap.

He was very apologetic when I confronted him and gave him examples of his behaviour, and we chatted a lot about it so I felt listened to and validated.

It's not an excuse but an explanation, and now he's aware of his own stress, he makes effort to do better.

If you think your DH is definitely not autistic or if he's not open to communication or listening to you, then I'd struggle to get past it.

many of us have a MH issue and work hard to be OK, including engaging with health services if things aren’t working. And we still treat our families well and do our fair share of things. it doesn’t sound like your H is doing that. It sounds like he doesn’t treat you well and prioritised himself, to the direct detriment of your health

Sorry for quoting the whole post 🤦‍♀️

It sounds as if he “can’t cope” with doing any household chores, even just putting (his) clean clothes away. Your dd and dsis are doing the bulk of the domestic work, and he is being an arse and really unpleasant.

I have to say I agree with those who think he is angry and resentful that you’re not doing what you usually do and making his life easy.

I also have limited patience with people who blame their mental health for their shitty attitudes- I have had poor mental health most of my life, and I know lots of women who have, but we get on with the stuff we have to do to look after our dc, we don’t use it as an excuse to turn round and blame our partners for being injured or ill. I’m afraid if he really wanted to he would have engaged with the counselling and would be doing his best to improve things. But instead it’s that he has to go to the gym and have life on his terms- come on! How often do you get time to yourself? How does he try and make your life easier?

Essentially he is telling you that your value to him is intrinsically linked to your usefulness around the domestic sphere. He doesn’t think he should be asked to do anything he doesn’t want to do and he blames you for being incapacitated. This won’t improve.

You started with "DH is always terrible when I'm ill..... because he works full time and is the breadwinner"

NO. THAT is not why he is terrible when you are ill. It is entirely possible to work full time and be the breadwinner and NOT BE AN ARSEH*LE.

Expect better. You are MORE THAN working full time with a disabled child and looking after the home. AND working part time outside the home.

Sorry to shout but you deserve better and if you don't expect better in the first place you won't ever get it. X

Oh dear what a shame for him that his support human is out of action for while.

It's ok he has had other female support humans step in and help carry the load but not quite as good as the usual one!

The lack of resilience and capability would put me off for life. I couldn't be with a man like that.

As a lone parent my life has been much easier without a grumpy manchild in it.

I’d say he’s acting like a pretty average man sadly. That’s why I don’t want to risk taking one on.
Up to you OP. Get better and go back to how you were with the sure knowledge he didn’t mean the ‘in sickness and in health’ bit. Most men leave their sick wives. Most women stay with their sick husbands. You might still be better off staying as you have a child to support together and it’s tough going it alone.
Try and get back to work. Build an escape fund. Keep your eyes and options open.

It’s very easy to bandy around “LTB”.
Especially with a dc with disabilities there’s a lot to consider.

i don’t think you’re in a place to make a decision now, given your health. But I would make some (security locked) notes on your phone about how you’re feeling right now.

keep an eye on things.

Generally I don’t think people should leave marriages unless they can’t face carrying on.

Having said that I reached that point after years of the sort of behaviour you’ve described and left with my 3 dc. It was like “death by a thousand cuts” and just gradually eroded at the love.

i don’t regret it but it has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Absolutely would not tolerate or be willing to move past this. If he's doing this now, God knows what he'd be like as you age or had an acquired permanent disability. This is about unkindness and cruelty. Even if my husband was really miffed about something, he couldn't possibly lie in bed listening to me struggling or crying. What an absolutely horrible man.

This.
I have similar circumstances and just two months ago I left a similarly miserable and horrible man. He was so cruel during a long term illness. Conversely a dream of a person has walked into my life and couldnt do more for me and is incredibly supportive and caring. Im not ready for a r.ship but at the least it has helped highlight how terribly I was treated, by a supposedly loving husband, in a time of need. He just wanted a housekeeper/admin/child minder/holiday planner etc etc who also worked ft.

Leaving you to cry.... im so sorry. You deserve more. So glad you have others around you.

So sorry you’re going through all of this. He sounds really selfish. Is he behaving like this to try to make you break up with him, so he doesn’t look like the bad guy, in this scenario?

What a weak, inadequate little man. So he’s fine when his life is going the way he likes it, but when the inevitable challenges arise he’s like a sulky toddler.

As a PP says - your bar must be terribly low if you think this “way of coping” is acceptable for a grown adult. Quite honestly, if I was married to him and didn’t LTB, I’d never feel anything but contempt for him again.

Spunda like you have all had some hard years, maybe he is at his limit. Has he talked to anyone e.g. counselling? I'm not excusing his behaviour but sometimes wheb there have been hard years you so think when will you just get a break and things be good again or just have a year where nothing else happens.