Would you stay with this man?

I think as time goes on more and more women are becoming selfish to be honest the ones I've worked with who put self before child is definitely increasing.

I haven't got a bar to raise. I'm quite old and not married but after years of knowing countless men from a wide range of demographics, they are mostly (to a greater or lesser extent) innately selfish. Some worse than others admittedly but fundamentally they put themselves first far more so than women.

It sounds as if you are both very unhappy.

He's behaving like a dick, definitely. But he's clearly really unhappy in his life/marriage and it sounds as if you are too.

As always, super irritated by the 'is he autistic' squad. Many people have an ASD diagnosis without being a knob.

Not all men are like this mine took over 100% when I had treatment even doing Christmas prep just as well as if we had both been doing it taking me to appointments and working. Not all men are knobs raise your bar.

Not doing much then....and when you're well its a pp performance. What a lazy man

Men are OK when everything's going relatively smoothly. They think it's a personal afffront when they're asked to do something like caring for their sick wives, or if the kids turn into horrible teenagers. You see, when it boils down everything has to be about them, their comfort, their egos. Your DH is very,very far from alone but he's still being a cunt.

Is he picking up the slack?
It sounds difficult for you.
I haven't been married but at the very least I'd be expecting a partner not to make my life more difficult for me whilst I recover.
Please take care of yourself 💐

He is struggling with his mental health and having you sick is one additional situation that's pushing him over the edge. Having extra people in the house, even if they're there to help, may be another stressor.
He's being vile to you, make no mistake. But I think you need to give him one last chance to see how his behaviour is impacting on you. Tell him you can't go on like this and you need him on board or out of the way. Ask what he thinks he needs to get himself on board. Maybe medication for anxiety or depression, some intense counselling, some time away with you once you're better.
If he still refuses to engage, I think you have your answer.

That's really horrible OP

Surely the point of having a partnership is to support each other and pick up the slack if one of you is struggling. If he can't or won't do that, I'm not really sure what the point is?

He's trying to make things so unpleasant that you'll stop expecting him to help. Of course he was a prick when alone in your room and the clothes nexr to the wardrobe was just an excuse and then he stepped it up by turning off the light meaning you got upset and had to ask him to help you which of course he was bullying and awful about .

He wants you to stop asking and just get on with it and he will love it if you are persuaded into thinking its stress and he needs a break. He's a pig and he's lazy and he doesn't care about your pain and your son being difficult is too much effort.

I think you'll have to tell him you're planning on leaving the relationship and if that shocks him into stepping up then there is a chance but only if he sticks to things because if he doesn't and you stay anyway then he will think there is no danger treating you badly as you'll be talked round again by false promises. I hope he does come around. Hugs xxxxx

I think he needs to go to his GP and ask for medication. He is possibly stressed and depressed.

Whether or not he meets the criteria for a mental health problem or ASD, if he’s had a tough childhood or is under stress etc. if your partner is in pain and crying, the ONLY human response is a hug or some form of empathy.

He is emotionally immature. The only response now is for him to apologise. If he doesn’t I’d be worried.

What happens when he is unwell @steponacrackbreakyourmothersback ? Do you abuse him or are you kind and compassionate?
Do you think having your husband mentally abusing you will help you recover quicker?
I would ask him to move out temporarily. He isn't 'helping' and others around you have stepped up.
It may feel like you would be giving him a free pass to peace but actually you will be giving yourself a chance to heal and also see how well you could manage without him.
You never know what's round the corner and I think I'd feel resentful if had to look after an ailing H when he treated me so poorly when I needed him.

Why didn’t you pass him the clothes to put away?

it sounds as if you have been through a lot in the past couple of years and someone actively throwing clothes on the floor in front of me and stopping me from getting to my things then saying that I would have to pick them up if I didn’t want them there could be the thing that tipped me over the edge.

before making any rash decisions wait for the situation to calm down and for your pain to be manageable to then have a conversation about it

His treatment of you is absolutely awful and inexcusable.

I do think the back story is important though, it could be that he's stopped coping. Depression and anxiety can both come out as rage.

Obviously though you really need his help. If he's not able to care for you then it's not good to stay. Can you go to anyone else to stay? Would he be open to having a deeper chat about how he's feeling?

It sounds like you've both been through the wringer.
Can you sit down and have a calm conversation about this?
My DH can get snappy with me when he's stressed - he's had a hard few years with both of his parents dying within a few years of each other and dealing with his Mum in a residential home/emptying their house which wasn't good for his wellbeing. But I point out that I am not the enemy and there's no need to get stroppy with me. He usually apologises.
Only you can know if you should cut him some slack or if his lack of support and empathy for you in your time of need is a deal-breaker.

If all the bad behaviour was only since the deaths/major house issue then I'd maybe say he's had too much going on that he hasn't processed properly.

However, you say he's not been the same since your DS was born, which indicates a more selfish nature as he'd like a perfect little life, but he's refusing to accept and deal with anything affecting that. His refusal to engage with counselling or CBT is him saying 'there's nothing wrong with me, thanks'.

So he's a bit gym obsessed and likes weekend lie-ins. No doubt he's leaving you to deal with everything while he's doing this. Do you get equal downtime OP? I'm guessing not.

My late husband was emotionally and financially abusive. It took me years to pluck up the courage to leave, but believe me, when I finally did, the relief was overwhelming and life was a lot less stressful. Think carefully how you want to live your life and whether you want to waste it with someone who treats you so disrespectfully.

You have a wonderful DD and sister. I hope they will continue to support you through whatever decision you make about your future.

He's awful. I can safely say this as my stepdaughter had to do everything for my mum when she stopped being able to do stuff due to ill health and he did it out of love...as should your husband

Why would you put up with this? Surely he’s capable of washing clothes, having other family doing that is embarrassing. It’s clear you do everything for him and he’s pissed off he has to clear up his own crap.

I would say that the vast majority of men cannot cope with life's curveballs because they've been socialised to believe that a woman will always be there to cope for them. First their mother. Then their wife.

Society still expects us to pander to the needs of men whilst sacrificing our own needs.

How lovely that he's had counselling and has plenty of time to go to the gym! Where is YOUR counselling and gym time?

Get better and get rid, OP. He's a dead weight.