My Host told me not to go somewhere.

The OP’s aunt lives up the road, OP walked to her house for an hour. An hour
I agree if OP said before that she would only stay for an hour. Did she though or did she end up for just one hour because of the cousin's upset?

I don’t see how an hour’s visit is pointless.

And I think your family's way of doing things is really healthy and I suspect means you are all closer and have better relationships as a result.

But you only have to look at MN threads where people are insistent that certain things are expected to realise that different people have different belief and value systems, and these will be largely based on childhood experiences.

At the risk of putting more things on schools, it would be really helpful for children to be taught about what makes healthy relationships (family, friends and romantic), what are reasonable behaviour expectations and what are not etc.
Very very many people don't think about their behaviour because they think it is normal.

The more I read about some family behaviours, the more grateful I am for ours. No family is perfect, but some expectations of how others should behave seem bizarre to me. Thankfully, we’re all pretty laid back when it comes to visiting and/or meeting up.

We have no family members nearby, the nearest is an hour, some are seven or eight hours away. We had a get together earlier this year for about fourteen of us. There was no resentment from those who couldn’t make it, or of those who chose not to come. We keep in touch sporadically, by phone, messaging etc. Happy when we do see each other, but very accepting of reasons when we don’t, and no expectations. It seems to work pretty well.

Visiting your aunt was fine, but maybe your cousin would have liked to have gone with you, it also sounds to me like she has mental health issues.

If it was literally an hour what was the point in visiting. And if it was more than an hour well why wouldn't the cousin be upset.

An hour is hardly ‘the lion’s share’
of a weekend. The aunt lives up the road.

(Deleted - asking a question which I’d missed the answer to)

The OP’s aunt lives up the road, OP walked to her house for an hour. An hour.

This is what family does, they pop in and see each other when they fly over.

And OP says her cousin does the same when she visits family abroad.

You expecting OP to book an extra day for an hour’s visit is bizarre.

Gosh that sentence about

‘unpicking learned behaviour’ is just so so on the money !!

Thank goodness you shared this. It’s right up there with “It is what it is” and “There are two sides to every story”.

<possibly projecting wildly here>

So I come from family with dynamics like this.

My parents have strict "rules" on visiting. That means you need to come for the maximum time possible, you need to spend every single second with them and you must spend the time doing their approved activities.
If you do not do these things there will be repercussions (e.g. I once stopped off at a shop on the way to visit which delayed me by about 20 minutes and this resulted in 2 hours of shouting and screaming despite me still arriving when I said I would).

As a child and young adult I thought this was normal. So, whilst not behaving quite as extremely as OP's host, I would expect any friends visiting me to do the same. I didn't actually shout and scream at anyone but I would be extremely unhappy about someone visiting and not conforming to what I thought were expected visit rules. Because it felt like a rejection of me, based on what I'd learned as a child.

It's genuinely taken me a very long time (many years) to realise that just because someone doesn't want to spend every second of their visit with you this does not mean they do not like you. Unpicking learned behaviour (particularly when you are "expecting" bad consequences if you don't do the "right" thing) is really really hard.

So, I wonder about OP's host's upbringing. Is she mimicking behaviour that she is accustomed to and has not yet realised that this isn't "the norm"? The "see what you made me do" response is also the sort of thing that I'd grown up with and would have seen as normal.

To be honest - even if I’d felt slightly put out by your visit - eg if you’d taken yourself off as soon as you’d arrived - in the circs I wouldn’t have made any kind of fuss. I may be a people pleaser, but honestly this is a situation I would just simply ‘let go’

You're an adult so it's not like you need to get your absence authorised. It was only an hour out of the whole weekend. A very extreme reaction indeed.

Does she get on with your aunt?

That's where I differ in opinion to my cousin I guess. She thinks I should only see her when I go to see her
I think your behaviour was rude. If I were inviting a relative for a weekend, and upon arriving, they were telling they had planned to see another relative, without me, during that short stay, I wouldn't be impressed either. I would have expected them to either arrange an extra day, before or after to spend with the other relative, or I would have at least asked, before going there if it was OK and would have done it first thing when arriving or last before going back.

Did you mention when you first discussed and arranged this that you’d like to pop over and see your aunt? Did your cousin have something planned at the time you went to see here (eg a day trip for you all?).

Sounds like a miscommunication tome, but still doesn’t justify the way your cousin behaved.

Is your cousin related to the aunt you saw?

Do they get on?

I see where she's coming from but her reaction was over the top.

You should have stayed longer if you were going to make the rounds of your family.

@denimstork8

You do not know our family dynamic. It does not work like that. None of my children visit her, including the one in her country because of this and other behaviours which have no place on this thread.

My DM does this. She went back to her home country nearly 30 years ago, there are literally dozens of aunts, cousins etc living in the same town or close by whom I never get to see when I visit DM as she makes it so awkward. Doesn't rant and rave but rather gives me the silent treatment. She even does it if I stay too long with my Dsis!
For the past 10 years my DS has also lived in the same country but in the Capital about 3 hours drive from DM. Fitting a visit to both in a weekend is really difficult but DM makes my life a misery if I don't. The solution has been that I don't tell her that we are visiting DS which in turn means that I cannot see other family members there lest she finds out. My advice OP do not visit your cousin again without an apology and make it clear your her your plans before you go. I wish I had called DM out on her behaviou years ago, she is now too old to change. She has missed out on so much because of it.

I agree with this. Mumsnet can be brutal on friendship but OP you’re the one whose going to lose a cousin over this.

Agree with PP, if this is out of character for her then it’s likely there’s something going on and she’s struggling.

Just checking, did you arrive and then immediately go and see your aunt before you’d done anything with your cousin? That would annoy me. Obviously not ok to scream and shout either way though.