My Host told me not to go somewhere.

LaDamaDeElche · 08/12/2024 12:47

Very odd behaviour. If I have guests/friends to stay where they know other people in the same area I would expect them to catch up with those people, not speaks every waking moment with me. Obviously I wouldn’t expect to not spend any time at all with them and for them to just sleep and have breakfast at my house, but there is a balance in between.

Original poster

Mearabade · 08/12/2024 01:14

Starling7 · 08/12/2024 01:08

Just something in the way you relay all this makes you sound like you don't care that much about your cousin, which maybe the crux of the matter - she knows

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I did care about her before.

I feel very differently about her after this happened.

Definitely.

I took a day of my annual leave on the friday to be able to make the flight over. I travelled a very long way to see her,

and then he shouted at me to get out of her house, without knowing or caring where I would go to spend the second day.

I would never do that to her .

I was just thinking, if she travelled from another country to see me, there is no way I would shout at her to leave my house.

I have never ever shouted at her.

Then she wrote some extremely nasty things to me, in the message she sent me after as well.

None of my other cousins have ever done that to me.

It's made me feel totally differently about her.

OP posts:

Starling7 · 08/12/2024 01:08

Mearabade · 08/12/2024 01:01

I didn't go off on the first morning by myself.

I arrived Friday. I spent all Friday evening with my cousin.

The first morning I was there I went out for breakfast with my cousin and her daughter.

Then my cousin, her daughter and me went out for a day trip to the next town together.

So i spent all of Friday evening, and all day Saturday until 6 o clock with my cousin. When we came back, I said to her that I wanted to pop up to my aunt and say hello to her.

Aunt lives very close and knew I was coming.

What annoys me is if I had known the cousin didn't want me to go anywhere except her house, I never ever would have stayed with her.

She should have told me before I went "if you come and stay with me you can't go and see anyone else".

Which is ridiculous when you read it.

You can't stop an adult from going anywhere. You can't imprison someone in your house.

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Just something in the way you relay all this makes you sound like you don't care that much about your cousin, which maybe the crux of the matter - she knows

Original poster

Mearabade · 08/12/2024 01:01

Starling7 · 08/12/2024 00:55

I still can't get a clear picture of the events? Or your relationship before this? Has she felt let down by you before? ( Whether or not rightfully)
How many days were you staying?
When did you leave to go to visit your aunt?
Did you ask her what plans she had for the weekend?
It strikes me that she somehow feels more invested in your friendship, and that she has felt let down before.
I think if I had a friend come to see me for a short time and after years without seeing them, and they went off the first morning and spoilt the plans I had made for their visit , I would be hurt, disappointed and might get pretty upset.
The fact she said you made her shout, makes me wonder about the mechanics of the relationship and what has happened in the past.
I understand that you were shocked, but you also sound very cold about what your cousin is going through.

I didn't go off on the first morning by myself.

I arrived Friday. I spent all Friday evening with my cousin.

The first morning I was there I went out for breakfast with my cousin and her daughter.

Then my cousin, her daughter and me went out for a day trip to the next town together.

So i spent all of Friday evening, and all day Saturday until 6 o clock with my cousin. When we came back, I said to her that I wanted to pop up to my aunt and say hello to her.

Aunt lives very close and knew I was coming.

What annoys me is if I had known the cousin didn't want me to go anywhere except her house, I never ever would have stayed with her.

She should have told me before I went "if you come and stay with me you can't go and see anyone else".

Which is ridiculous when you read it.

You can't stop an adult from going anywhere. You can't imprison someone in your house.

OP posts:

Starling7 · 08/12/2024 00:58

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/12/2024 15:41

My relative asked if she could come for a weekend, and we were delighted because she's been living abroad and we hadn't seen her for many years.
I don't try to control my guests but I like them to check before arranging to do something else while they are staying in my home. It's good manners. Like asking to borrow something from a friend rather than just helping yourself, even when you know they will be happy to lend it.

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I agree, otherwise it's just disrespectful

Starling7 · 08/12/2024 00:55

I still can't get a clear picture of the events? Or your relationship before this? Has she felt let down by you before? ( Whether or not rightfully)
How many days were you staying?
When did you leave to go to visit your aunt?
Did you ask her what plans she had for the weekend?
It strikes me that she somehow feels more invested in your friendship, and that she has felt let down before.
I think if I had a friend come to see me for a short time and after years without seeing them, and they went off the first morning and spoilt the plans I had made for their visit , I would be hurt, disappointed and might get pretty upset.
The fact she said you made her shout, makes me wonder about the mechanics of the relationship and what has happened in the past.
I understand that you were shocked, but you also sound very cold about what your cousin is going through.

Original poster

Mearabade · 07/12/2024 20:30

ErinBell01 · 07/12/2024 18:17

I'm surprised that in your text message to your cousin you didn't mention that SHE had invited YOU to stay with her, as you imply. However your text implies that YOU asked to stay with HER as you thank her for allowing you to stay there.

It makes me wonder what is actually the case?

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I also have only included so far one line of what he said to each other.

Obviously we said more than that. Its just hard to put every word said between people on a thread on here.

I remember after she said I used her for a place to stay,

I did say later on in my message to her:,

"I would have stayed in a hotel. You ASKED me to stay with you."

OP posts:

Original poster

Mearabade · 07/12/2024 20:21

ErinBell01 · 07/12/2024 18:17

I'm surprised that in your text message to your cousin you didn't mention that SHE had invited YOU to stay with her, as you imply. However your text implies that YOU asked to stay with HER as you thank her for allowing you to stay there.

It makes me wonder what is actually the case?

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How does my text imply that I asked to stay with her?

She invited me over to stay with her. She asked me to come over

I wrote "it was was nice of you to let me stay with you".

As you know, i was trying to be polite. Thats a polite thing to write.

Thinking back, I was too polite in my response to her to be honest. She sent me a very abusive message to me, before I wrote that reply to her.

I put a snippet of what she said here. But her message was very long and very nasty. She is extreme.

But that's our characters. She is much more aggressive than I am. I am definitely not as angry as her.

And I try and calm the situation, when she is aggressive.

OP posts:

ErinBell01 · 07/12/2024 18:17

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 00:54

Me and my cousin had a big argument over this. I still think she was being totally unreasonable, but she made me feel like I was being unreasonable.

She asked me to stay with her for a weekend earlier this year.

She lives in a different country to me, so it's a long journey over to see her.

I went over. My aunty (not her mother) lives near her, so i said that I would pop up to see my aunty while I was there.

My cousin got really angry and told me that she didn't want me to go to see my aunt, that i was there to see her.

My cousin seemed to think that because I was staying with her, that she could control my every move.

I said I was going up to my aunt.

I came back to my cousins house. My cousin was really angry and shouted at me to get out of her house. My cousin seemed to be angry that I "went against her".

I was shocked at her anger and I left. I just thought that she was so over the top.

I left her house day early.

We sent each other one long angry message each, and then haven't spoken to each other since. As I'm just shocked by her behaviour.
She was so extreme.

What I gathered from her message is that she seemed to think I was using her for a place to stay.

Not true. And after experiencing her anger I wish I'd stayed in a hotel.

What I wrote back to her is

"While it was nice of you to let me stay with you, I'm an adult and you can't tell me or any other adult not to go anywhere!".

What do you all think.

I'm surprised that in your text message to your cousin you didn't mention that SHE had invited YOU to stay with her, as you imply. However your text implies that YOU asked to stay with HER as you thank her for allowing you to stay there.

It makes me wonder what is actually the case?

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 15:44

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/12/2024 15:41

My relative asked if she could come for a weekend, and we were delighted because she's been living abroad and we hadn't seen her for many years.
I don't try to control my guests but I like them to check before arranging to do something else while they are staying in my home. It's good manners. Like asking to borrow something from a friend rather than just helping yourself, even when you know they will be happy to lend it.

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Yea and your guest did a bit more than what I did aswe

I wouldn't invite someone else round into someones home for the day, without checking with the host. I definitely wouldn't do that.

OP posts:

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/12/2024 15:41

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 15:34

Did you ask the person to stay with you?

I just think that staying in peoples houses is too hard because some hosts seem to think that if a guest stays with them, that they sre then allowed to control the person like a child.

You can't tell an adult not to go somehwere.

It would be like if my friend came to visit me for a weekend.

If she stayed in a hotel near me, she could meet another friend for lunch one day, and me for lunch the next day.

If she came to actually stay in my house for the weekend, it doesn't give me any right to control her movements

I can't say to her well you can't go to lunch with that other friend now. You can't go anywhere while you are with me.

That's what some hosts seem to forget, you can't control any other adults movements.

I'll definitely be staying in hotels on any visit to anyone from now on

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My relative asked if she could come for a weekend, and we were delighted because she's been living abroad and we hadn't seen her for many years.
I don't try to control my guests but I like them to check before arranging to do something else while they are staying in my home. It's good manners. Like asking to borrow something from a friend rather than just helping yourself, even when you know they will be happy to lend it.

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 15:34

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/12/2024 15:16

You cousins reaction was aggressive and rude and not acceptable at all.
But I get why she was annoyed with you. You were her guest and although she has no right to 'control' you, it would have been polite to check whether it's OK with her for you to go to visit someone else. You weren't there for very long, and it's only once a year, so she may well have wanted to have the whole time with you. And/or she may have had something planned for that afternoon.
I was annoyed recently when a visiting family member who was only coming for 2 nights, invited another family member who lives fairly close to join us for the full day. If she'd run it past us as an idea without contacting him first, we would have happily agreed, but as it was, we felt wrong-footed and it took the edge of the visit somehow. We didn't shout at her and throw her out though!

Did you ask the person to stay with you?

I just think that staying in peoples houses is too hard because some hosts seem to think that if a guest stays with them, that they sre then allowed to control the person like a child.

You can't tell an adult not to go somehwere.

It would be like if my friend came to visit me for a weekend.

If she stayed in a hotel near me, she could meet another friend for lunch one day, and me for lunch the next day.

If she came to actually stay in my house for the weekend, it doesn't give me any right to control her movements

I can't say to her well you can't go to lunch with that other friend now. You can't go anywhere while you are with me.

That's what some hosts seem to forget, you can't control any other adults movements.

I'll definitely be staying in hotels on any visit to anyone from now on

OP posts:

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/12/2024 15:16

You cousins reaction was aggressive and rude and not acceptable at all.
But I get why she was annoyed with you. You were her guest and although she has no right to 'control' you, it would have been polite to check whether it's OK with her for you to go to visit someone else. You weren't there for very long, and it's only once a year, so she may well have wanted to have the whole time with you. And/or she may have had something planned for that afternoon.
I was annoyed recently when a visiting family member who was only coming for 2 nights, invited another family member who lives fairly close to join us for the full day. If she'd run it past us as an idea without contacting him first, we would have happily agreed, but as it was, we felt wrong-footed and it took the edge of the visit somehow. We didn't shout at her and throw her out though!

ToWhitToWhoo · 06/12/2024 14:47

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/12/2024 03:37

I am sorry to derail slightly but I am shocked that you think that "you made me shout" is worse than locking someone in a building! Your mother was literally held captive, thats a "doing time" level of crime!

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It was for a couple of hours, not days. Not a nice thing, but my mum was annoyed but didn't feel like a captive (so far as I know from what she told me; it was before I was born).

I don't think 'you made me...' is WORSE than any of the other aspects; just that it seems more INSANE.

krustykittens · 06/12/2024 13:47

Do people on here really expect people to ignore other members of their family when staying with another relative?! My family live in a different country, every time I go back it's a whirlwind round of visits, especially to older members who don't find travel easy anymore. I never get to go straight to the place I am staying in, as I have two aunts who live on the route to the airport who would be annoyed if I didn't call into them on the way past, even if we have plans to meet up later, simply because that's what I have always done since childhood. There are some people who would be offended if I didn't bother to see them on a visit back (which is why I go for a week and never just a weekend!). The relative I stay with actually telephones everyone who ever knew me as a child to tell them I am visiting in advance and then its, "Well, you have to go and see so and so for a cup of tea, sure weren't they great friends with your mother at school?"

Expecting someone to be glued to your side for an entire visit and never see other relatives is just bizarre, as is blaming someone else for your loss of control. No way would I be staying with her again!

ginasevern · 06/12/2024 13:08

I suspect she and the aunt had had a falling out. She didn't want to tell you for whatever reason but she saw your fondness for the aunt as disloyalty - you should not have been consorting with the enemy, so to speak.

StormingNorman · 06/12/2024 13:00

Do your cousin and aunt get along?

OhBling · 06/12/2024 12:58

ok.

I'm stating an opinion. I'm not particularly bothered if everyone else agrees with me. It's just my opinion - as per OP's request. But you and OP seem really bothered by my opinion and want me to say it's wrong. It doesn't matter, I'm sure we're all getting bored now.

toucheee · 06/12/2024 12:54

OhBling · 06/12/2024 12:50

I think you being so worked up because i think OP was rude is odd. But there you go. Cousin was definitely weird and inappropriate and OTT. I've said that many times.

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Someone disagreeing with you isn't them being worked up.

FreeRider · 06/12/2024 12:52

My narc mother lives on the other side of the world - I moved to get away from her, to be honest - and she acts like this when I visit.

God forbid I spend anytime away from her, doing anything that doesn't include her. I'm talking about getting a deluge of texts from her if she thinks I've spent 'too long' out shopping...I'm a grown woman in my 50s, ffs. My last two trips have been ruined by her acting this way... I cut the last visit short by 2 weeks as I couldn't cope with it.

As a result it is now 15 years since I lasted visited. I'm planning to go next year, but this time I will be staying in a hotel, and I will also be arriving in the country a week earlier than I will be telling her so I can actually do/see more than the inside of her apartment and the bus ride in/out of her city.

OhBling · 06/12/2024 12:50

toucheee · 06/12/2024 12:18

Screaming at someone to ‘get out of my house’ is what’s rude. I notice you minimise that and won’t call it rude.

And you also keep ignoring that this cousin visited many relatives when staying at a relative’s house.

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I think you being so worked up because i think OP was rude is odd. But there you go. Cousin was definitely weird and inappropriate and OTT. I've said that many times.

VegTrug · 06/12/2024 12:43

@vivainsomniaOP only went to her aunt’s for an hour!!

Worriedmum1975 · 06/12/2024 12:22

I think it's perfectly normal to visit another relative if you visiting someone else. As long as you explain "I'm planning to pop in and see auntie while I'm here, when's a good time?" Or words to that effect. You weren't gone fir the entire day. She could have cone with you. I don't think you're in the wrong.

toucheee · 06/12/2024 12:18

OhBling · 06/12/2024 12:05

Ok. But what I think is that she was upset because she felt that OP was a bit rude and then she behaved in a very OTT manner.

Screaming at someone to ‘get out of my house’ is what’s rude. I notice you minimise that and won’t call it rude.

And you also keep ignoring that this cousin visited many relatives when staying at a relative’s house.

Original poster

Mearabade · 06/12/2024 12:10

OhBling · 06/12/2024 12:05

Ok. But what I think is that she was upset because she felt that OP was a bit rude and then she behaved in a very OTT manner.

I guess it really depends on your own self esteem - what you see as rudeness in guests.

When I was younger and living with my mum, I remember that we had an uncle and his daughter visit us for three days.

This uncle and daughter went out and visited several other family members near by on the second day.

I thought it was totally fine. He told us when he'd be back.

However if someone was feeling bad about themselves, maybe they would be angry at the guest "leaving me for someone else"

OP posts: