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Original poster

Moving closer to family - heart or head dilemma

31 replies

missse · 05/12/2024 21:28

I moved 2 hours away from my family and friends 10 years ago and started a new life with my DH and his daughters who are now 18 and 16. Right thing at the time because they were so young and DH and I wanted to live together full time. Although DH has 50/50 custody, the girls now understandably stay with us less because they're spending time with boyfriends and friends etc.

We have a 6 year old DS and an 8 month old baby and I'm struggling being away from my family and support network. In laws are lovely people and we spend a lot of time with them, but I miss my parents dearly. DH works long hours and I'm often on my own trying to look after our boys.

AIBU to broach the subject of a move to be closer to my parents? There are a lot of advantages to living where we currently live - close to DSDs, 6 year old settled in school and hobbies and forming friendships, quality of life is better - but I long to be back in my hometown with my family so much. Parents won't travel to see us due to pet commitments and we visit them roughly every 8 weeks.

Please help - any advice would be appreciated. Currently recovering from the whole house getting noro hence why I have had the down time to think about this and get all emotional and reflective about it! Fully prepared to be told to put my big girl pants on and get over it!

OP posts:
Noseybookworm · 05/12/2024 22:52

We moved 4 hours away from our home town because we wanted our son to go to a specialist school for autism and there was nothing suitable near home. It was a massive upheaval as DH worked away and I knew literally no-one in our new town. I also had 5 children under 10, one a new baby. It was hard not having my family nearby but it's made me self reliant and resilient. I made friends and got involved in the local community and 25 years on, I can't imagine living anywhere else. My extended family have now moved here! I would stay put, your stepdaughters need their dad around and it will get easier as your children get older. I would advise making good friends and helping each other out. Those mum friends can really save your sanity in those busy years with small children!

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 05/12/2024 22:24

missse · 05/12/2024 22:15

You're right, it would be cruel to suggest that my DH moves away from his girls. There's always an excuse why my parents can't visit - don't like driving on the motorway, can't get a pet sitter, trains aren't great.. so I've given up inviting them. I think I need to remember that things are hard at the moment because my sons are young but that won't always be the case. Thank you.

Show quote history

That's a shame that your parents don't feel able to make the journey more often. Maybe they are finding it more tiring and even a bit scary to travel as they get older. Don't suppose there is any chance they would move closer to you?
As you say, this is a particularly difficult time but won't go on forever. When both the DSC are at uni or working or generally more independent, perhaps you can rethink a move.

Original poster
missse · 05/12/2024 22:17

CoastalCalm · 05/12/2024 21:51

2 hours isn’t that far really - I regularly travel that to see friends and family for just the day but you could propose moving half way ?

We did a lot of travelling back and forth before the baby arrived and still visit as regularly as we can. It can sometimes be tricky travelling with a baby but I accept this won't be the same forever. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
missse · 05/12/2024 22:15

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 05/12/2024 21:49

Ooh, tricky. DSD are young to be so far from their dad when they've been used to seeing him all the time, and DH and your six year old are settled. But you need your parents. It's a shame that they don't visit you. Is there nothing to be done about the pets to make it possible for them to travel to you every month or so? Maybe bring the animals along, or join a petsitting agency?

You're right, it would be cruel to suggest that my DH moves away from his girls. There's always an excuse why my parents can't visit - don't like driving on the motorway, can't get a pet sitter, trains aren't great.. so I've given up inviting them. I think I need to remember that things are hard at the moment because my sons are young but that won't always be the case. Thank you.

OP posts:
CoastalCalm · 05/12/2024 21:51

2 hours isn’t that far really - I regularly travel that to see friends and family for just the day but you could propose moving half way ?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 05/12/2024 21:49

Ooh, tricky. DSD are young to be so far from their dad when they've been used to seeing him all the time, and DH and your six year old are settled. But you need your parents. It's a shame that they don't visit you. Is there nothing to be done about the pets to make it possible for them to travel to you every month or so? Maybe bring the animals along, or join a petsitting agency?