Moving closer to family - heart or head dilemma

missse · 2024-12-05T21:28:58+00:00

I moved 2 hours away from my family and friends 10 years ago and started a new life with my DH and his daughters who are now 18 and 16. Right thing at the time because they were so young and DH and I wanted to live together full time. Although DH has 50/50 custody, the girls now understandably stay with us less because they're spending time with boyfriends and friends etc. We have a 6 year old DS and an 8 month old baby and I'm struggling being away from my family and support network. In laws are lovely people and we spend a lot of time with them, but I miss my parents dearly. DH works long hours and I'm often on my own trying to look after our boys. AIBU to broach the subject of a move to be closer to my parents? There are a lot of advantages to living where we currently live - close to DSDs, 6 year old settled in school and hobbies and forming friendships, quality of life is better - but I long to be back in my hometown with my family so much. Parents won't travel to see us due to pet commitments and we visit them roughly every 8 weeks. Please help - any advice would be appreciated. Currently recovering from the whole house getting noro hence why I have had the down time to think about this and get all emotional and reflective about it! Fully prepared to be told to put my big girl pants on and get over it!

Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:31

SlB09 · 06/12/2024 00:36

No answers but I ask myself this very regularly, less so now child is 7 but still do. My everything is 1.5hrs from 'home' and tbh would Ioive back there if parents weren't there? Probably not.

It's being sure you would be as involved as you were/think you'd be, life's changed for everyone in ten years. My sister moved very close to me a few years back and we don't see each other any more than we did when she lived at 'home' tbh. So I don't think it would be the idealic idea. I think the main things lacking for me are that sense of community and connection (recently posted re this) and I'm still not sure I'll get this how I felt it at home when I was younger but I also recognise becoming a parent shifted things greatly and I'm not sure you ever go back from that.

Life really has changed and it would be a huge adjustment moving back home for sure. It wouldn’t be for the area as our quality of life is much better where we are now, but that connection and support that parents bring. It’s so hard isn’t it! Thank you for sharing your experience, it really helps.

OP posts:

metellaestinatrio · 06/12/2024 03:30

Frozensun · 05/12/2024 23:00

Maybe think of what you’d want the day to day to look like if you moved back. I am older, but I think these kinds of excuses may indicate that your parents may not be as involved as you’d like. (I stand to be corrected). I wonder whether you’d give up what you acknowledge to be a better quality of life, for perhaps not you’re dreaming of.

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This was my first thought too, OP. If your parents are too busy with their pets, friends etc. to travel to you now, that doesn’t suggest they would be chomping at the bit to step up and support you with childcare if you did move. In fact, you could end up having to help them out more as they age on top of looking after your young children largely by yourself. I would be really wary of jacking in what sounds like a good life for a dream of close extended family that may not become reality.

Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:28

TheBeesKnee · 06/12/2024 00:33

Sorry OP but I agree. You know what people say, you find a way or you find an excuse.

My mum is "desperate" to be closer and see us more often but she regularly flakes out on visits (with excuses I won't go into but along similar lines to yours) and I'll then find out she's been out shopping or something. I can't be bothered now.

Just be careful of projecting a fairytale village support system expectation on your parents which may not materialise.

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You’re right - it may not work out as I had hoped. I’m grateful for some perspective!

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Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:26

nadine90 · 06/12/2024 00:25

I agree that the reality of moving back to your hometown may not live up to the ideal you are envisioning. It would be a big upheaval for you all and it may not be worth it. Have you joined any baby groups locally? It's worth trying a few to see if you click with anyone. What about your DH's family, is there anyone around who you could try and arrange more social stuff with? You have stuck it out there for this long, why not put a date on it for a couple of years away, when the youngest is 18 (and perhaps driving!), give it your best go at building your "village" where you are, and if you still feel the same, think about moving then?

Definitely - I need to think about timing and this isn’t the right time to be making this suggestion. It would be easier to revisit when the girls are older adults and have established their own lives. I go to a few baby groups and have friends through work, school etc. I guess my parents are the missing puzzle piece! But I do need to be aware that moving back may not be as I had envisioned. Thank you.

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Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:23

Eenameenadeeka · 06/12/2024 00:09

I don't think that would be fair to your step children, unless your husband is able to keep up his regular visiting schedule. I understand missing your parents though, it's a shame they don't visit more.

You’re right, thank you.

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Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:22

saraclara · 06/12/2024 00:09

I'd be very hurt that my parents put their pets before me and their grandchildren. That in itself would give me pause about moving closer to them. I don't see them stoepping up to support you. Won't there just be more excuses?

Potentially more excuses, yes. I used to get very hurt after the birth of my first son, but now I’ve accepted that I’m not going to change how they feel. There have been some disagreements over the years but I’m more accepting these days. Your point is a very valid one, thank you.

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Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:18

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

You’re right - travelling will become easier once again and we will be able to see my parents more. It’s a good point about how hands on my parents would be - thank you.

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Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:16

pooperscoops · 06/12/2024 00:04

How are your sons relationship with their older sisters. Would the 6 year old miss them - would they miss the baby?

I would concentrate on investing in these sibling relationships for your DS as they will be around for life.

Can you involve them more and nurture the relationships - they might well help out. I have a similar age gap with my brother. I wasnt interested much as a teen but had great fun taking him out solo etc in my 20s. He is now very close to me and we have a great supportive friendship .... grandparents long gone and were not well enough to get involved or be very supportive.

The kids would all definitely miss each other as they are very close. I love having a busy home life with all of them and moving away would selfishly change the dynamic. I feel guilty that my parents can’t see their grandchildren as much, and I do wonder if that will be a regret of mine when the time comes that they pass away. However, effort should come from both sides.

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Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:11

LoveIndubitably · 05/12/2024 23:08

I'm about an hour from my parents and I don't see them that regularly... are you imagining they'll be dropping in to hold the baby all the time, and is this likely if they are set in their own routines?

Would be awful if you moved and then what with school, nursery, pets, other regular appointments etc you didn't actually see much more of them? Or is it more "knowing they are there"?

I agree with pp that you need to find your own support network where you are. Easier said than done, I know...

My parents definitely have their own life and routines which I’m sure we would have to fit into. Thinking about this now, I’m giving up too much by relocating to be close to them when it’s likely they may not offer as much support as I would like. Thank you.

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Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:07

Frozensun · 05/12/2024 23:00

Maybe think of what you’d want the day to day to look like if you moved back. I am older, but I think these kinds of excuses may indicate that your parents may not be as involved as you’d like. (I stand to be corrected). I wonder whether you’d give up what you acknowledge to be a better quality of life, for perhaps not you’re dreaming of.

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This is a really good point. I think I do romanticise what life back at home would look like. I think I would end up doing lots of running around to accommodate my parents which in itself might be hard work. Thanks for your comment.

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Original poster

missse · 06/12/2024 03:05

Noseybookworm · 05/12/2024 22:52

We moved 4 hours away from our home town because we wanted our son to go to a specialist school for autism and there was nothing suitable near home. It was a massive upheaval as DH worked away and I knew literally no-one in our new town. I also had 5 children under 10, one a new baby. It was hard not having my family nearby but it's made me self reliant and resilient. I made friends and got involved in the local community and 25 years on, I can't imagine living anywhere else. My extended family have now moved here! I would stay put, your stepdaughters need their dad around and it will get easier as your children get older. I would advise making good friends and helping each other out. Those mum friends can really save your sanity in those busy years with small children!

Definitely - having a great support network really helps! I would miss living here if we moved, which is something to think about. Thank you!

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MsPavlichenko · 06/12/2024 00:37

Frozensun · 05/12/2024 23:00

Maybe think of what you’d want the day to day to look like if you moved back. I am older, but I think these kinds of excuses may indicate that your parents may not be as involved as you’d like. (I stand to be corrected). I wonder whether you’d give up what you acknowledge to be a better quality of life, for perhaps not you’re dreaming of.

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I was wondering about this too. Is there any reason for you to think your DPs would be more involved if you were closer? If they wanted to be they could surely? Pets can be in pet care facilities. I’m not saying they don’t love their DC, but that doesn’t mean they would be any more involved if you lived close by .

Your DC will get benefit from being close to their siblings, and you might too if they want to babysit .

SlB09 · 06/12/2024 00:36

No answers but I ask myself this very regularly, less so now child is 7 but still do. My everything is 1.5hrs from 'home' and tbh would Ioive back there if parents weren't there? Probably not.

It's being sure you would be as involved as you were/think you'd be, life's changed for everyone in ten years. My sister moved very close to me a few years back and we don't see each other any more than we did when she lived at 'home' tbh. So I don't think it would be the idealic idea. I think the main things lacking for me are that sense of community and connection (recently posted re this) and I'm still not sure I'll get this how I felt it at home when I was younger but I also recognise becoming a parent shifted things greatly and I'm not sure you ever go back from that.

TheBeesKnee · 06/12/2024 00:33

Frozensun · 05/12/2024 23:00

Maybe think of what you’d want the day to day to look like if you moved back. I am older, but I think these kinds of excuses may indicate that your parents may not be as involved as you’d like. (I stand to be corrected). I wonder whether you’d give up what you acknowledge to be a better quality of life, for perhaps not you’re dreaming of.

Show quote history

Sorry OP but I agree. You know what people say, you find a way or you find an excuse.

My mum is "desperate" to be closer and see us more often but she regularly flakes out on visits (with excuses I won't go into but along similar lines to yours) and I'll then find out she's been out shopping or something. I can't be bothered now.

Just be careful of projecting a fairytale village support system expectation on your parents which may not materialise.

nadine90 · 06/12/2024 00:25

I agree that the reality of moving back to your hometown may not live up to the ideal you are envisioning. It would be a big upheaval for you all and it may not be worth it. Have you joined any baby groups locally? It's worth trying a few to see if you click with anyone. What about your DH's family, is there anyone around who you could try and arrange more social stuff with? You have stuck it out there for this long, why not put a date on it for a couple of years away, when the youngest is 18 (and perhaps driving!), give it your best go at building your "village" where you are, and if you still feel the same, think about moving then?

pooperscoops · 06/12/2024 00:21

saraclara · 06/12/2024 00:09

I'd be very hurt that my parents put their pets before me and their grandchildren. That in itself would give me pause about moving closer to them. I don't see them stoepping up to support you. Won't there just be more excuses?

I don't see them stoepping up to support you. Won't there just be more excuses?

I see the OP getting roped into managing their lives as they age....with two young children....

Eenameenadeeka · 06/12/2024 00:09

I don't think that would be fair to your step children, unless your husband is able to keep up his regular visiting schedule. I understand missing your parents though, it's a shame they don't visit more.

saraclara · 06/12/2024 00:09

I'd be very hurt that my parents put their pets before me and their grandchildren. That in itself would give me pause about moving closer to them. I don't see them stoepping up to support you. Won't there just be more excuses?

Slippersandrum · 06/12/2024 00:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

pooperscoops · 06/12/2024 00:04

How are your sons relationship with their older sisters. Would the 6 year old miss them - would they miss the baby?

I would concentrate on investing in these sibling relationships for your DS as they will be around for life.

Can you involve them more and nurture the relationships - they might well help out. I have a similar age gap with my brother. I wasnt interested much as a teen but had great fun taking him out solo etc in my 20s. He is now very close to me and we have a great supportive friendship .... grandparents long gone and were not well enough to get involved or be very supportive.

healthybychristmas · 05/12/2024 23:52

I think you moved to be near his family and his children when they were young and now he should agree to move near to your family while your own children are small. I would think less of him if he didn't agree to that actually.

LoveIndubitably · 05/12/2024 23:08

I'm about an hour from my parents and I don't see them that regularly... are you imagining they'll be dropping in to hold the baby all the time, and is this likely if they are set in their own routines?

Would be awful if you moved and then what with school, nursery, pets, other regular appointments etc you didn't actually see much more of them? Or is it more "knowing they are there"?

I agree with pp that you need to find your own support network where you are. Easier said than done, I know...

Frozensun · 05/12/2024 23:00

missse · 05/12/2024 22:15

You're right, it would be cruel to suggest that my DH moves away from his girls. There's always an excuse why my parents can't visit - don't like driving on the motorway, can't get a pet sitter, trains aren't great.. so I've given up inviting them. I think I need to remember that things are hard at the moment because my sons are young but that won't always be the case. Thank you.

Show quote history

Maybe think of what you’d want the day to day to look like if you moved back. I am older, but I think these kinds of excuses may indicate that your parents may not be as involved as you’d like. (I stand to be corrected). I wonder whether you’d give up what you acknowledge to be a better quality of life, for perhaps not you’re dreaming of.

Wibblywobblybobbly · 05/12/2024 22:58

I moved and I'm so glad I did. Although we didn't have the complicating factor of DSDs.

Pompeyssy · 05/12/2024 22:56

It sounds like you live in a nice place, but you need more support if your husband isn't around.
Could you pay for help?