Do you teach your child to hit back?

Well you are incorrect and miss using the phrase.

I strongly suggest you read up on or attend a class.

I have outlined the code of practice most trainers use.

Yep. If DS is pushed, I tell him to push back harder. If he's hit, to hit back harder. Don't let bullies get away with anything.

I didn't used to until DS got badly beaten up on the way home from school and did not fight back, after that he joined the gym and dh has taught him some self defence. Now we teach them not to start a fight and to get away if they can but to absolutely defend themselves if required and I fully stand by that.

Yes i did he had a punch bag at 12.
Has a poster says above we had 3 strike rule in primary.
Then it went to fuck about find out in secondary school.
Hes in his 20s now.
I was from a different breed my mother always said if they come at you like bull dogs go right back at them like a pitbull.

I haven't taught mine this, they do it naturally.
One of my sons was being constantly bothered by another boy which I told him to ignore. The verbals got worse, my son stopped ignoring and got very offensive. The boy headbutted him, my son punched him once, knocked him over.
They both got in trouble BUT it did end it. They avoided each other from then on. Both ND.

I agree with this.

I've never felt the need as neither child has ever been hit. If they were hit, I'd rather the perpetrator was dealt with severely by the school. If my child started hitting back, it would be classed as a fight, and my child would be punished. I was hit on three occasions growing up, by nasty aggressive girls. I never hit back, and I really don't see how hitting back would have helped at all. It would simply have escalated the situation.

Yes absolutely. If you'd suffered bullying as a child you'd understand. It also increases self confidence and you are more likely to stand up for yourself as an adult and less likely to end up a hand wringing mess asking for advice on Mumsnet

Didn't say don't report it, just that the police won't do anything. It's not a MN thing, it's a Scottish 'justice' thing. Incidents that happen on school property.. its the school to manage! And remember in Scotland if you're under 25 you're not really responsible for your actions.. even rape.

So what? You just don’t report a crime to the police because the police somewhere in the country didn’t do anything about it on an occasion documented on Mumsnet?
Would you report someone mugging you or breaking into your house?
What about the long term social ramifications? That violent child may grow into a violent adult. Do you not have a duty to make agencies aware of crimes regardless?

@stichguru are even the law are going to be ok with them inflicting serious damage to someone who's mildly hurt them, even if that person started it.
Why is there this rhetoric that the bully is not really being violent, that they're only 'mildly hurting' the victim, but when the defends themselves they're suddenly attacking/inflicting serious damage?
It's not just you who's said this!

If they are actually in danger or being repeatedly attacked yes, but not otherwise.

1. Violence leads to more violence - no-one actually becomes better off because they are being attacked and attacking someone. The only exception to this is if the other person is stalking them and attacking repeatedly.
2. Apart from if they are needing to end a sustained, violent assault, it is most unlikely that school, college, clubs, are even the law are going to be ok with them inflicting serious damage to someone who's mildly hurt them, even if that person started it.
3. Your child needs to learn other good conflict resolution tools, because getting into extended fisty-cuffs with someone every time they are threatened is going to land them being excluded and friendless.
4. If you are going to treat your child to continue a cycle of violence, please sign them up to some form of marshal arts asap, so they at least know how to "hit back" without causing themself or their opponent too much damage. You haven't said their age, but one day, possibly soon, they will respond to someone, possibly a slightly smaller someone, with too much force (by accident) and end up hurting them seriously. This could lead to being asked to leave clubs, excluded from school, juvenile detention. Yes, if they are two and leave a red mark on someone they hit, cause that person hits them first, they will most likely get away with it. At 13, when someone barely bruised them and they break a bone, it will be juvenile detention.

I have told my son to never start it but if someone else starts it he can finish it

He has been doing judo since he was 6 (now 12) and is a national medalist

Never yet had cause to do urban judo but I am relatively confident he could look after himself should the need arise.

And as evidenced here, the police will do bugger all, the school might do restorative justice... 'so Fred, can you confirm to Johnny that his kicking the shit out of you and damaging and stealing your stuff upsets and hurts you?'
There Johnny.. your violence and bullying is successful!! Moving on!

I love this.
I also can't stand the "neurodiverse" argument. Both my primary school aged children are autistic and both have adhd. As do I. One goes to a special school. I would not be upset if they were physically retaliated against for their own violence. They have to exist in society! They ARE capable of learning to moderate their behaviour, even if it takes longer than NT children.

No, I didn't mention witty remarks. But 9/10 when the bullied kid throws the first ounch of his life, at the bully that fights on a daily basis, he gets battered. But you don't hear about that so much as ot doesn't fit the parents mantality of 'my DC is well ard'. Also as PPs said, kids are very self centered. So something they take as an attack is often an accident and the parents feeling 'proud' are the bullies parents. Because they took their DCs word for gospel. Hitting is oftrn not self defence, if your arms are free you are free to walk away. It is retaliation.

I did encourage one of my kids to hit back. Another kid had been regularly attacking him, pulling and damaging his clothes, kicking him, chasing him and pushing him over. He was terrified to retaliate as the child in question was a girl.
As it turns out, the school got on it pretty quickly and it stopped.

My eldest found a great way to stop bullying. A kid in his yr 7 class kept trying to hit and push him over. My son just laughed at him. Totally knocked the wind out of his sails. Every other kid he tried it on with ended up responding the same way and the bully ended up switching schools because "everyone was mean to me".

Yeah, they were mean because you couldn't physically bully everyone.

Good for you. Come back when you’ve got a young teen who has been beaten up for 4 years with zero action by the school and there really is no other option than to defend himself.

No, I don’t. I’m not risking my child’s life in this way.

My son is still very young, but the lessons I teach him now will last in adulthood. Young men are at genuine risk of harm from violence by other young men. I won’t teach my son that the way to protect himself or to get out of a bad situation is by fighting. It significantly increases the chances that he could be hurt or killed (or, since he’s massive, that he accidentally kills someone with a punch and ends up in prison).

I also don’t want to raise him in a way which contributes to a culture of using violence to solve problems.

I teach him different ways to resolve a situation where someone hits. I would significantly rather he knew about conflict de-escalation, seeking appropriate help and avoiding danger than roll the dice on him hitting back and coming out of it significantly worse off.

“Person hits me, I hit person” I'm very confused how I’m the caveman….
Anyway, I would report any child of secondary school age to the police if their parents and teachers weren’t prepared to curb violent behavior. If a child was carrying a knife, I would call the police, if they were vandalising, I would call the police, if they were displaying worrying sign of extremism, guess what I’d do.

I hate the 'hit back' mentality. This is not always defending yourself and it does not always stop the other person from continuing to hurt them, it won't fix the issue long term, it can make your reaction just as bad as theirs and get you into trouble too, especially if they could have done something else to keep themself safe.

Just hit back is too much of a simplistic approach to situations which can have so many different variables, also the 'well they hit me first' may wash in primary school but as we grow up it doesn't.

I would deal with it as and when it happened with my kids, to help them read situations accordingly and decide their actions the the best they can. I still talk to them now about it at 15 and 17 yrs old and stress that self-defence is complex and getting it wrong can change an assault against you to an assault against you, you assaulting them or both of you being involved in an affray together. Also, I get them to think about how they could justify staying in the situation hitting them back when they could have fled and resolved it later when out of harm's way as having to hit to get out of a situation won't always present itself, again there are too many variables.

I have seen people hit back correctly and it was self-defence and others that have got it wrong and ended up on assault charges - like I say it's too simplistic in its approach.

Mine are older now but I didn’t advocate hitting back and followed the rules of speaking with teachers and heads etc. what we experience was 4 years of relentless bullying until mine finally snapped and gave his bully a good thrashing. It was an awful time (suspension, lots of stress etc.) but for the last year of school that bully kept his distance and not one peep out of him. I genuinely wish I’d encouraged mine to give him a good hiding sooner I really do.

Same as our household although as they get older I'd be inclined to cut out step 2.