Do you teach your child to hit back?

Last year two mums were passing the school play ground for the infants. They saw a little boy on the ground being pummelled. They ran into the main reception saying what had happened and that there was no adult on duty in the playground. The fight was broken up.

The mother of the little boy went to the head who reviewed the CCTV footage and agreed there was not an adult present. Supposed to be a teacher and a TA on duty. The TA was moved and the teacher reprimanded the head said.

So some schools do work bullying wise.

When my kid was getting hit on the football field in PE miles from any teacher I told him that ideally he would tell a teacher and he should do that where possible but if not he was fine to block.

We'd all started martial arts classes about six months before and he knew some basic blocks.

So next time the kid tried to punch him he blocked the punch and the kid got a very bruised arm.

He's now 24 and a black belt.

No.
In most cases you are far, far safer to walk away.

In the school I work in, we don’t have a big bullying problem (primary) but we actively work to spot patterns and try to nip anything in the bud before it gets going. We did have one troublesome child a few years ago. One girl said ‘my mum has told me to hit him back but harder and he’ll stop.’
Problem with that scenario was a) she’d never be able to hit harder. And b) he’d have relished the fight. He came from a very rough and tumble background. He would not have been confused but would have floored her.

As an adult, there is a strong chance that someone who is happy with their fists also has a weapon. I’m not taking the chance but will look for a way out every time.

I always told mine you never hit first but if someone hits you you belt them back twice as hard and if they come at you again you belt hell out them.

Get away and tell a teacher if you can. If you can’t, kick shins, jab to gut or grapple and drop your body weight.

My 3 kids are very well behaved at school and academic high performers- I tell them that because of that, they will get one free pass and to use it wisely. Hopefully they will never need to though.

Well if you think that a boss is like a primary school kid and this is a good equivalent situation, then you live on a fairly different planet to me.

I don't recall anyone I've ever met telling a story about their boss punching staff.

Equally a couple of primary age kids in yr2 is a very different situation to a couple of yr9s who sadly may be involved with knives.

Personally, I think you teach kids to read the situation and handle it in an age appropriate fashion.

So yes under certain circumstances if you've been hit, yes to lamping back. But equally teach them at an appropriate age, that they've reached the point that this isn't going to either be effective anymore, will backfire and yes might put them at risk of knife crime.

But Yr3, when one kids decides it's fair game to lamp everyone and school do fuck all about it? Hell yes, I'm going to say just hit him back and we'll sort out the mess if you get caught, but preferably don't get caught.

Why? Because it's actually effective and there's certain kids for whom other forms of communication fail to register.

The best self-defense is to get away.
Small children can tell a grown-up. Once big enough, where that's not an option, get away if possible. These days, you don't know what the other person is carrying as a weapon.

I agree bullying is shit,and sometimes being belted back works, but only if you are stronger, faster, and can carry it off. If you aren't, you are likely to come worse off.
I often see on here, 'teach them boxing/ martial arts' but that often gives kids a false sense of ability, particularly if they attend mcgym/mcdojos. It takes years to be good enough for it to be useful.

Yeah I heard that Putin's mum did that too and now he's the leader of the largest country in the world 🙄

He'd have probably got a beating for being a grass if went running to the teacher.

Yes well that’s not quite the same scenario, if my boss hit me it’s game over for them, not me. I wouldn’t hit back as an adult in that situation and I don’t think many would unless it was full on attack at which like I said “enough force necessary to get time to get away!”

I've 3 DC, oldest 2 are now adults. After incidents that they got involved in when they were younger (never caused by them & one had to attend minor injuries for an x ray as the school though the other child might have broken their arm) I've now taught DC3 to shout 'stop/you're hurting me/let go of me now' etc very loudly to draw adults attention to whats going on.

If the other child doesn't let go/stop hurting them etc, then they are to hit/kick/push (depending on what they are able to do them) as hard as they possibly can so they are free to get away from them.

I've said that they must never start it, but if the child hurting them doesn't stop after they've shouted at them to then they are allowed to do whatever it takes to get them to let go.

DC3 is not aggressive in any way whatsoever but I won't have them targeted like DC1 & 2 were by other kids who have 'issues'. I learnt my lesson with the others as I was too understanding of the other child's issues & the schools problem with managing their aggression. I won't make the same mistake again.

No, because it makes them just as much of a twat as the person that hit them.

I teach them that hitting is for less intelligent people who don't have the vocabulary to use words to solve problems.

All of my kids to MMA and know how to defend themselves though.

I teach mine to tell someone immediately, and tell me (as I've had to force the school to enact the process) or use other techniques, such as hand out, loud voice 'stop' and don't react physically, unless they feel they've no choice to defend themselves to get away.

In high school, in my first week the 'mentor' student told me to not react (either verbally or physically) as the feral teen bullies loved it. Those that reacted became the bullies' mark, often for years. They were right.

It's much worse now, as the school does nothing as they have no power. Hence why my DS is off to a genuine zero tolerance high school next year.

Don't have kids, but would absolutely teach them this.

My parents did, I used it once at primary, once at secondary and never needed to again.

Every one of my (mostly male, but some female) friends whose parents taught them not to retaliate and to tell a teacher ..... were bullied continually for years at school to the extent that most of them had issues as adults, and not one of the schools did anything adequate about it.

I have never heard a single anecdote of schools managing bullying effectively, from any person in any context, in all the times this discussion has come up. And not one person who took the non-violence/non-retaliation approach who didn't say they regretted it as an adult and wished their parents had advised them to hit back.

I have zero faith in schools or teachers to manage this adequately, and agree that it's important to stand up for yourself.

And also to assess risk accurately, as it may not always be appropriate...

Ish.

As in , if there's no other alternative, you can't walk away, no friends to help or raise the alarm, no adults etc. and someone put their hands on you , then yeah , you hit and hit hard. No one expects a kid, or anyone to just sit there and get beaten. She hasn't had to do this so far.

And against boys and unwanted touching. Loud stop and push them/their hands away or hit if needed. This has been used a few times, even in primary.

That's what I did after weeks of bullying by a girl gang. I lost it at PE out in the field. Charged at her like a bull knocked her to the ground and pummelled her. She begged for mercy in front of her mates. I stopped, not realising the teacher had seen from the distance. As she walked past me she smiled and whispered well done.

Yep after months of bullying and trying to handle it by reporting to the school, telling her to tell the teacher and nothing being done. I told her to hit them until they cry. The bullying stopped the moment she retaliated.

It's a fools errand saying kids should never hit, because the teachers don't get involved with every playground scuffle so if your kid is the one who doesn't hit, he's the one that's going to get battered all the time. I tell mine that they should only hit if they absolutely have to, but if the other kid won't stop hitting and you can't get away, you have to hit them back. That's what an adult does - if someone hit you, you wouldn't just stand there taking it. If you couldn't get away, you'd fight back.

I see self defence as hitting back, not telling an adult.

I was bullied at school

Retaliation was the only thing that worked

Had a fight with the main bully and surprisingly enough she never bothered me again

Odd, that

We've not had to have the conversation yet but I sent them both to martial arts from a young age so that they can at least be quietly confident they can defend themselves if need be.

'Leaving a potentially dangerous situation'? as if..they don't leave you alone they either stop you from leaving or drag you back. The teachers do nothing or give out punishments like 'standing on the balcony' (as it was in my dc's bully's case) and watch the bully get rewarded for good behavior on the day they're feeling a bit off. In primary it's best to nip it in the bud, the bully quickly realizes their victim is too much hassle and backs off. A good wallop in time saves nine.

I was always taught to never ever fight. I was such a timid kid and I ended up being smacked by a bully one day & I took it without fighting back. I was so upset.

I was going to adopt this line of teaching. I don’t want it to be ok to hit someone ever, I just don’t think there’s a place for it in the world.

However, the world now & the people in it, I have changed my opinion. I have stressed to my DD that she isn’t to bully anyone ever. BUT, if she’s being bullied/smacked & someone else smacks her first, if she feels she wants to smack them back at the same level, she won’t be in trouble with me. Defend yourself but don’t ever start it.

I hope it never comes to this.

What if the bully one day is their boss? Worth destroying their career over?

^

Let's face it, if you accepted a job where your old bully is your boss you're a fool to yourself

We always told our children if someone hits you.
You hit back harder but never hit first.

Our DD was being bullied by 4 boys in year 8. Broke her glasses,
ripped her books, tripped her up always where no one could see.
School did nothing.
One day in the dining hall 2 of these boys kicked her making her drop her
tray with her lunch on. This time it was in front of her older brother.
He stood up walked over and hit them both. Didn't say a word just hit once.
Within 30 minutes school had phoned me to call him a bully.
My words were if you had protected his sister he wouldn't have had to do that.
I put the phone down and never heard anything again about the son.
Bullying stopped.