Do you teach your child to hit back?

I'm sure that everyone would rather have their child walk away - but what if they bullies won't allow that? What if the adults in the vicinity turn a blind eye because they don't want to get involved?

I had a miserable first three years at secondary school. It was never one on one - there was always a gang involved and I was followed home and beaten en route a couple of times. Once it was only a few thumps on the back which I tried to ignore while walking home and praying that the adults who could see this would intervene. The second time, my nose was bloodied.

One of the bullies was the local Police Inspector's daughter.

I recall a music lesson where the teacher left the class unattended for a while. In the interim, someone put her scarf round my neck and started to strangle me. I thought that I was going to die. When the teacher came back, she accepted that it was only "horseplay".

Staff at the school largely didn't want to know. Once, a teacher tried to help by reporting it to the SLT. I'd been beaten up in the PE changing rooms. The PE staff did nothing. At English the next period, the teacher saw the marks on my face and contacted the Depute. The Depute passed it to the Head. Nothing was done.

Finally, one of the bullies cornered me in the girls' toilets yet again. This time, she was on her own and I finished things. (No blood was shed.)

Sometimes, fighting back is the only option.

My late husband did martial arts. Children in the dojo were taught to avoid trouble at all costs. If you had no other option, you fought back.

But this often means he'll just become the punching bag. I think it's different for girls but my heart goes out to boys that are getting bullied and haven't been taught to stand up for themselves. It's crushing for their self esteem and sets them up badly for the transition into adulthood.

Look at pretty much every teen movie ever where bullies get their comeuppance. Stuff like The Karate Kid. It's never through them being reported to the teacher and getting a detention. 😂 It's always through getting a taste of their own medicine.

Yea, this analogy bugs me for two reasons…

1. Never fight back in case your bully ends up in a more powerful position than you in many years to come - worst example I have ever heard for not hitting back.
2. The children that do the bullying in school go on to hold the more powerful positions later in life and the victims of the bullies will always be submissive to them?

Not to hit back, because hitting back is not really self-defence, but I've told DD1 that if someone might be about to hurt her, then to hold her hands out in front of her and physically prevent/push them away.

I remember one occasion. When sons friend left a nightclub to organise taxis for a group of them. An unpleasant group of lads who'd been barred from the club lay in waiting for a fight. They surrounded him started in on him. The bouncers disappeared

Behind this the rest of the group arrived at the entrance, all rugby players from the local team who'd won their match earlier. The scrotes lying in wait fled after a few well thrown punches.

The two bouncers magically reappeared thanking them.

I really agree. It is ok when they are 5, but as teens, they cannot fight against people who are armed. Sadly, too many children are. So, we need to teach strategies that keep our children alive. Fighting someone who has a knife and is willing to use it is dangerous in the extreme.

I have no doubt in my head. I will remove my child from school in a heartbeat if they are a target. I will move. I would move country even, and can do because I am not from here.

My children know we have options about where we live. We have family in several places. We have jobs that travel. We have the resources to upsticks if we need to and if my child was in danger, that is what we would do.

I'd rather my child walked away than escalated the violence and potentially have the shit beaten out of them.

Defending yourself isn't anything like being a domestic abuser or a thug. One of my brother's best mates boxed from about 7yo and was a natural - went on to compete in amateur boxing in his 20s.

He was one of the nicest lads I knew and didn't need to try and throw his weight around or bully people for kudos because everybody in his year knew it'd be suicide to pick a fight with him. The only time I remember somebody trying it on was a much bigger kid from the year above who'd picked on his sister. My brother's mate just winded him with a body shot like it was nothing and the guy never went near either of them again!

Good for him.

Yup, my view is we are animals at the end of the day and when children are being socialised they have to learn the law of the jungle before they learn the laws of being civilised. It protects them. Usually a willingness to react to aggression will take the target off your back quickly. Mine is utterly civilised, will definitely stand up for herself but always tells her teacher, she’s a decent boxer (no girls at her club so she’s used to sparring with boys so she understands the differences in strength) so push comes to shove she can actually defend herself but it would have to be extreme for her to ever smack someone. I think thats the right balance.

The reality is there are times when you have to use force, I head butted someone once when they grabbed me. i’ve dug nails in when required to get someones hands off me. I am an extremely polite person, people pleaser even but I’ve had defend myself in a blind panic. It’s important to me that my DD can defend herself with whatever tools she has at hand in a conscience way.

One mother at the school gates was going mad because her year 5 boy had been hit. She stormed into reception demanding to see the head. Which she eventually did. We all knew him as a bully right through school.

The story eventually came out that he had been tormenting a year 2 boy whose dad had been teaching him rugby and taken him to the local club at weekends. The boy just put his head down shoulder out and barged him knocking him off his feet.

There were a lot of amused mums at the gate after that came out.

Absolutely not. I have taught them to stick up for themselves when needed but mostly to remember bullies are just genuinely unhappy kids and to not take it personally. My parents were all turn the other cheek and ignore it but that doesn't really work. If someone is giving you lip, give it back. I don't really think violence is the answer. I've never been in a situation where anyone has thrown a punch at me though, nor have my kids thankfully. Id probably not recommended hitting back for fear of it escalating.

Nobody needs to be "taught" to hit back. It's an instinct in the heat of the moment to fight or flight. I'd "teach" them to avoid at all costs getting into any physical altercation, but if totally unavoidable, self defense, minimal reasonable force and get the hell out as soon as possible. That's it, that's also in line with what the law is going to expect from them as adults.

Standing up for yourself as a child in the playground does not mean you are going to grow up into a wife beater.

I haven’t read the full thread but I don’t teach my kids to hit back because physical violence is never okay.

A playground scrap might not seem like a big deal.

But I don’t want a kid who throws a punch in a bar and accidentally kills someone.

Or a son who hits a partner.

Hitting is never okay.

Sure teach kids to advocate for themselves but that can be done without violence.

They have both learned self defence at their youth club. They are taught firstly to avoid trouble, secondly to get away from trouble, but if you can't do either, then do anything you have to, to survive. I will admit to being surprised when the instructor said " in this situation, bite them in the eyeball!"

No but we are primary age. It’s always tell the teacher and try to understand actions. We don’t hit other people.

However I may have a different opinion if they were older in secondary and the school where doing nothing about my child being bullied. If it was malicious targeting by a bully…..I think I might tell them to punch back

Yes, it's awful that sometimes thoroughly decent, good people/children have to retaliate in a way that they don't want to, as sometimes it's the only language these bullies understand.

There’s a difference between being violent and teaching your child to defend themselves! Neither of my children have EVER hit someone else first. In fact my ds gets called out in school all the time for his kindness towards others! My dd hit that one boy the one time and that was it…Because he was hitting her constantly!

I've always told mine that they won't get into trouble if they hit back, but that they shouldn't hit first. Mine are very good at telling the teacher or walking away, and generally quite sensible, and I'm confident they wouldn't go mad and start stuff. I would back them up if they were bullied and retaliated, and they know this.

I was a small girl in school and my mum always said to hit back if someone was getting physical. Luckily it was never anything too serious, but I did whack a few boys back in primary and it may have prevented me getting bullied as they saw I would fight back. Not been in fights since lol.

Absolutely, and they trained in combat martial arts to make sure they can always defend themselves if attacked.
I don't ever want them to start anything, but they need to be confident in their own abilities to protect themselves when things aren't going right

Violent parents egg on violent children. This thread is awful,

Same here - you had to defend yourself

Yes but only after we had tried getting the school to address it. We were met with boys will be boys and that they can't possibly move her away from him due to COVID seating plans (bollocks, it was absolutely permitted).

She hit him with a full water bottle (metal) after 'accidently' spinning around while holding it after he was bullying her in the playground (where he'd taken the bullying because there was less supervision). He had a rather nice bruise on his leg by all accounts. However the bullying stopped right then and she had no further bother from him. He kept his distance (she kept the water bottle visible!)

I was really proud of her addressing the issue herself and indeed the cunning way she pulled it off. Power to her.

Every day my lovely, quiet, gentle son walked to school, not troubling anyone, just listening to music in his ear buds. Over 6 ft tall at 15 and "lanky" he was the prime target for a cheeky chappy bully boy who followed behind him with his gang of gormless mates and every day they subjected him to "banter" which involved trying to humiliate him in front of all the other students, grabbing his bag, calling him names etc. My son duly tried to ignore them (and they'll get bored I said, blah blah blah, turn the other cheek I said etc) as we'd brought him up to, but it didn't work. They didn't get bored, just saw him as an easy target who didn't fight back. What they didn't know was that my gentle giant had experienced a terrible childhood, he'd been born into a far worse area and situation than any of these "posh bully boys" and he'd been desperately trying to control himself, as he didn't want to turn into the type of people his violent birth parents were. People he'd been removed from by social services after years of violent abuse and eventually adopted by me and my dh. One day, after the ringleeder decided to stick his leg between my sons legs and trip him up, my son ended up flat on his face. Unfortunately (or maybe not) nature overcame nurture and my gentle son got up and punched bully boy right in the face, busting his nose. He then worried himself crazy that he would be in trouble, when he'd been trying so hard just to fit in. However, Bully Boy didn't report it and no one ever bothered my son again.