Do you teach your child to hit back?

In my experience as a teacher - very seldom.

Part of the problem is that schools are dreadful at protecting the decent kids, in my view.

Nowadays, of course, we have "restorative justice". It's supposed to work when done correctly. "How do you think Johnny felt when you punched him in the face?"

"Don't know. Don't care."

I'm now mainly retired. When I was a middle manager, I reminded parents that they had the right to call the police. The problem in Scotland, however, is that the police generally don't want to know when the perpetrator is under 16.

You finish up with ridiculous situations where the victims are allowed to come to school slightly late and to leave class slightly earlier. To my mind, we're simply othering the victims and depriving them of part of their education.

I think it's different for girls but my heart goes out to boys that are getting bullied and haven't been taught to stand up for themselves.

I've had more tears from boys for being in trouble/losing friends / losing a fight /they hurt someone because they've been told to be a man and stand up for themselves. Mostly over stupid shit/misunderstandings/football. Fucking football. Imagine the self esteem hit when they get into a fight and get easily put to the ground. Because they were not a man. And now they're crying too on top of it all. And dad will be mad/disappointed. And various toxic bullshit.

Not everyone is the fucking karate kid.

You can teach them how to look after themselves without telling them to hit back. Is it not a muddled message to tell them hitting is wrong but in the next breath tell them to do it? Terribly confusing for a child

Hit back. And harder.

I have always said if you are hit tell a teacher or just walk away. But if you are attacked fight back. My middle child is often getting into scuffles, partly because he reacts so is targeted and partly because he can be an idiot.

His school mostly ignores the behaviour, nothing ever happens so he will hit back.
The school he is going to next year doesn’t tolerate that crap, he had been told he if he gets expelled he will have to go to the shit school with the kids that annoy him now. So hopefully it stops.

I think it’s fine to tell kids to hit back, I would make sure they understand there might be consequences.

In general, yes. Unfortunately, real life isn't like a Disney movie, where the quiet kid stands up to the bully and everyone cheers. Sometimes it works. Some bullies really are cowards who melt away when you fight back. Sadly, the majority aren't. They're used to violence and confrontation, and they're not going to let you humiliate them in front of their friends. If your child punches the bully in the face, the bully will probably go mad and pummel him or her (and then wait for them after school and pummel them again). If your child hits back, he'd better be prepared to hit again and again and again.

Question for the teachers posting - in your experience, do the kids who do nothing to defend themselves physically ever get away from being picked on?

It's a different ball game at university unfortunately. The locals like to have a go with knives, broken bottles so you need to keep safe.

We skipped number 2.
You tell them once, they hit you again, hit them back and make it count, because you can't go wild on them.
I did it when I was about 9. bully boy in school, cornered me, I was tiny. I told him to leave me alone, he poked at me I punched him in the nose, his eyes watered, they other kids told everyone I made him cry I didn't really The headmaster told him he deserved it and to stop picking on kids.

And depends on other factors, just like it does with adults. Age? Sex? Height? Situation? Location? Scenario? Etc.

I didn't, but equally, I couldn't find it in me to be shocked or disapproving when they reached their point of walloping their assailant back.

Depends on the age of the child.

Yep!

I teach mine to say a strong No/Stop, and if it happens again tell a teacher, and if it still happens after that (I'm talking another child being physical like biting or something) then to whack them ONCE and they'll think twice about doing it again.

I mean, it works! My DH disagrees but hasn't yet come up with a better method 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes I do. Someone punches them for no reason? Hit back as hard as you can and call it self defence.

No and he would tell you two wrongs don't make a right. DH also works in youth justice/mental health. Kids carry knives these days. You teach then to get the hell out of there, and to read situations and people.

Yes. The rule for adults is that one may strike back in self-defense. Because little son was a target for bullies (possibly because he tended to say interesting things when angry, about how the bullies would be consumed by dragons) he was taught this rule early on, and coached in its correct application. He was also taught how to block strikes, and told to hit the gut rather than the face, as it was less likely to leave marks. He was also told to go first to ask an adult for help, but frankly we never knew that to do any good at all. Son is now at uni, and still really good at blocking strikes.

I always tell them never to make a fight physical. Never be the one to start it but finish it if you have to.

I actively encouraged my 2 children to hit back . I absolutely told them they would not be in trouble.They never would though.
I've been a teacher a long time and certainly do not advocate this in school, but I cannot begin to count the children who would stop bullying others if they received a taste of their own medicine.

Yes I do now.
I always used to say just tell a teacher or a playground attendant but it doesn’t work !
The teachers do nothing and the aggressive kids just pick on the vulnerable kids.
So now I tell mine to hit back , I’m sick of my kids being “ lashed out at “ then when I complain they say “ oh so and so was overwhelmed “.
It doesn’t give these kids the right to just lash out and hit every day .
So now my kids stick up for themselves if they are hit first In any situation.

Have discussed with my child about hitting back if they feel able to do so and they feel it’s justified, but not just for the sake of it.

For example, if another child pushes you, it’s a one off and you aren’t hurt at all - tell them firmly not to put their hands on you, walk away if you can and tell the teacher if you feel it necessary.
If they do it again, you have every right to push them back but you don’t have to and can instead tell the teacher.

We have discussed the consequences of hitting back, that it could get him into trouble, escalate into a fight (and he may lose) or make him feel bad later (he is very empathetic and sensitive).

He has been hit numerous times at primary school and rarely hits back as he is worried about getting into trouble.
He always gives a warning first, which usually works.

30 yrs ago, a boy in the secondary school where I worked started a fight with a mild mannered pupil after the last bell had gone. The victim tried to walk away. The other boy ripped his blazer and began to pummel him. (This was a state secondary school.)

The victim finished it. He was taking martial arts lessons outside school.

The headmaster wanted to exclude the victim for having the temerity to defeat the bully. The bully's mother intervened. She told the HT that her son was out of control and she was relieved that someone had finally sorted him out.

The best thing is to avoid a fight if you can. If you can't, then you have to protect yourself.

I think a lot of these responses are coming from the perspective of parents with young kids. Telling a teacher or saying “NO!” in a firm voice might be appropriate at age 6, but if a teenager tried either of those things in high school, chances are they’re getting done in (and being laughed at by their peers until the end of time).

My kid is nursery age so we’re far from these situations but when they’re older, they’ll be told to hit back and hit hard. They’ll know that no matter what, if their teacher has an issue with them standing up for themselves, the teacher can contact me and I’ll deal with it. I’ll definitely try and get them into boxing/MMA so that any little shit who wants to take a pop will soon find out it’s not a good idea.

In the future, if I got a call from their school saying my kid had hit (and hopefully hurt) someone who was trying to bully them, I’d reward my kid without hesitation.

As an aside, where I’m from, it wouldn’t be uncommon for the mothers of the children involved to fight too. Especially if the mother of the bully does the “but he’s got anxiety/autism/his dad left last year” approach.

Yes I do. In an ideal world you wouldn't have to but bullies want an easy target, a child that won't defend themselves physically. I'd also be happy to tell the school that I've told them to hit back if they got into trouble for it.

What I will say though is some children won't hit back even if you tell them it's OK. My nephew was quite a soft child and whenever he got hit in primary school he never hit back and he wasn't bullied but there were a few incidences that probably wouldn't have happened if they knew he'd defend himself. He's 14 now and almost 6 foot. He plays rugby so he's physically fit but he still wouldn't hit back (we talked about it recently), but no-one would pick on him these days because they wouldn't fancy their chances by looking at him.

My kids are pre schoolers but if someone lifts their hand I'll tell them to hit back harder. But whether they will depend on their personality. I wouldn't ever get angry for them not hitting someone back though. It's just something I'd encourage.

I was bullied by a teacher's son for well over a year. Until I gave him a bloody nose. I think 'avoiding violence' is the best goal, but once you're being hit it's a choice of being a victim or nipping it in the bud. Bullies won't usually go for somebody that's prepared to hit them back, even if said person is smaller.

Yes, both kids have stood up for themselves when physically bullied and it hasn't happened again. I've tried to emphasise they can use force to stop someone hurting them, rather than 'hitting back' as such.