To say our DC doesn't need to share their treats

YANBU. He doesn’t have to dole out his Christmas presents to save your husband from making a trip to the shop.

@AGoingConcern perhaps they don’t attend the party because they get a selection box whilst others sit round and ‘swap presents’. This is exactly what happened to me as a ‘step’ child (although I got nothing but they were all perfectly lovely to me).

@Ginaknowsbest honestly that post made me feel abit sick. A huge lockable cupboard for possessions to be locked away when your step children come round- yep! That will cement stamp step on the forefront of their brain! Good god!

Some of the “oh poor neglected stepchildren” nonsense in this thread is ridiculous. These are teens who weren’t at the party, and have repeatedly opted out of the party to stay home and do nothing in the past. Yet OP’s extended family made sure to get selection boxes to send home for these teens who have no interest in joining their family celebrations - that was thoughtful. No one is denying the teens any gifts or sitting there stuffing their mouths in front of them saying “muahahaha none for stepchildren.” Would they have received more chocolate if they went? Probably. But they almost certainly do other fun things at their mum’s house and have treats that their younger sibling doesn’t know about. I’m a step child all grown up with step children of my own and part of having two homes and two families is you miss some things at each of them, but the two add up and balance things out.

It’s ok for teens to learn that party favors are usually attached to attending the party. It’s also important for teens to learn respect for others’ things (this seems to be being overlooked in the “but how will your 5 year old ever learn to share if you allow him to keep chocolate for his own?” clamoring here).

Taking sweets or other prized foods from a child if they don’t eat them fast enough encourages binging and communicates that the child can’t have things of their own that are safe. DH and the teens can find another treat.

I think your DH is showing he lacks respect for your DS's things. If the older DC have eaten their selection boxes already and your DS has only eaten a bit of his chocolate what remains is his. It's disrespectful to snatch his gifts away from him. Let DH pop over to a supermarket if he wants to give the older DC more chocolate. Why can't they use their pocket money to buy their own sweets and chocolate?

This possessiveness over chocolate is something that I've only seen on MN

Same here! I think people have gone "no contact" over not getting chocolate eggs😂

Maybe it's more of a big deal/tradition in some families? We don't give candy gifts to kids that much and my son couldn't have cared less about getting boxed chocolates. He would have tossed them on the table where they'd be considered communal treats.

That said, I don't think chocolate junk is the point of the thread. Everyone has the right to do what they want with their own Christmas gifts - including a 5 year old. Dad shouldn't be sharing on the boy's behalf. He could have handled that situation better.

I had a huge lockable cupboard that anything my kids had they valued were put in when partners kids were here

Delightful. And who says blended families aren't a load of fun? 🤐

You are not unreasonable. When my partners kids stayed here half the time I would hide any treats that belonged to my kids. They couldn’t eat any in front of the other kids, but otherwise the lot would be gone. I had a huge lockable cupboard that anything my kids had they valued were put in when partners kids were here.

This isn’t about your daughter though. It’s a totally different scenario.

I'm getting g Trunchbull vibes

Much too good for step children.

I would have said to him no they belong to Ds but why don't you go to the shop and get the teenagers something and can you also get me some matchmakers whilst you are there? It's not like there is a shortage of chocolate and it's not like it's all expensive. Unless he had literally no money (which could be the case) then he should just go and get some more.

Yeah, this was me too. Or I'd save my share and when I came to eat it, others would have finished theirs and want a share of my share.

I think people are conflating two different issues here. Yes, if you have a load of sweets and others don't, it's generally good manners to offer them a bit. But this doesn't sound like what happened- from your post, it sounded like your DS wasn't there at the time and your DH told his kids to just help themselves.

It could be replaced, and it's only chocolate, but I'm not sure it's a good idea to get the older children into the mindset that they can help themselves to their younger sibling's stuff. Just as it wouldn't be a good idea to give your younger child the idea that he could help himself to theirs, but he's smaller and has much less agency than everyone else in this scenario. The best thing to do would either be to go out and buy more chocolate for the older children, or DH asks the little one's permission (with no pressure for him to agree) with the promise of replacing it later- and actually replace it.

They will just have to wait until tomorrow or when the shopping is done next.

OP first posted at 19.31. I'm sure at that time the two teenagers could have foud a corner shop or supermarket open if they'd been that desperate for some goodies.

A lot of people are missing the point; this isn't about whether DS should share his treats. It's about whether it's OK for his Dad and elder siblings to take them without even asking.

And personally I don't see why he should share. They were given to him by people who wanted him to have them and enjoy them. The older boys always have the option of going out and buying more for themselves. The 5yo doesn't.

In my family, I was the one who used to save up my share of whatever treat was going - only to find when I went to eat it, that someone else had had it. That's not 'sharing'.

Yes, your father was in the wrong but his wife's family were either exceptionally thick or a bunch of cheapskates. It doesn't take a lot of emotional intelligence to realize that you would naturally feel a bit of an outsider and they could easily have been more inclusive and welcoming.

As you can tell I am incensed on your behalf😂! I've never understood adults who lack empathy or generosity when it comes to children. They don't ask to be placed in these awkward situations and the very least adults can offer is to make things easier for them.

Hmm my quote went awol

meant to be this one:

Pippa12 · Today 21:50

As the ‘step child’ I always felt so… well… ‘step’ compared to my Dad and his wife’s full child (my half sister). It’s an awful feeling and likely why they make no effort to come and sit with your family. I still remember to this day a scenario your explaining- sitting there whilst they exchanged presents and I got sweet F A. They were all very nice to me, but I was an outsider.
Personally I’d of let them choose a couple of treats and replaced them. There just sweets, that’s all. Not toys or something expensive. No harm done and the teenagers wouldn’t feel outsiders, again. Your younger child didn’t even have to know.

This.

OP you are acting like the chocolate is a bunch of gold bars or something. The 5yo has more chocolate than he can eat for now. Why not share it with the teenage stepkids? Does DS even need it replaced? December is a chocolate fest anyway.

This possessiveness over chocolate is something that I've only seen on MN. I have a DH and 2 teens. Nobody cares who eats what chocolate. DD fancied some chocolate today. I had some in my advent calendar so I gave it to her. DH didn't like the one that he had in his so I ate that. Really, why can't families share chocolate? It's not like your DS has been given a set of engraved keepsakes that your DH thinks ought to be shared.

I was the youngest of four, and my mother made me share everything with my siblings, think a slice of birthday cake cut into four... I should at this point add that there were 9, 12 and 18 years between me and my siblings. And yes, I still begrudge it, many years later. I am not sure what it was supposed to teach me but I am not sure I actually learnt anything from it.

If you husband is acting this way, then I assume your son has carte blanch to take anything he needs or wants from them?

Unless your step kids are bringing their treats from their mums side of the family over to share with your son then no your son shouldn’t be made to share.

They were given their selection boxes and ate them. That doesnt mean they get to dig in to other people’s gifts.

Did he choose /was asked to do so?

Or did you tell his siblings to just take whatever they want and help themselves, without him even knowing?

@CulturalNomad thank you. I still cannot believe my Dad allowed this to happen. It’s really tough being ‘the step kids’. I really had very little to do with his wife’s side of the family as soon as I was a teenager. It also created jealousy between me and my (half) sister as I felt she was ‘more’ loved and important.

I suppose that’s why I couldn’t get worked up over them having a ‘treat’.

God no. But also they’ve already eaten a selection box, how much bloody chocolate do they need. My kids would eat one item and save the rest. They are greedy.

Even I don't eat my 6 yr old ds' 'stash' even when I could chew my own arm off wanting chocolate. He has no agency at that age over what he gets, when he eats it etc... whereas I decide what I have and when.

The SDC have already had selection boxes which was nice of your family to include them (considering they never actually go to visit them). They will just have to wait until tomorrow or when the shopping is done next.

And will he complain if next time your ds eats the lot on the way home and is sick?

After all the older ones ate all theirs and so didn't have to share.

It sets a very bad example just to take something of someone, DH was welcome to share HIS sweets and treats but not DS’s .
Plus they’ve eaten theirs, I’m sure their mum’s family got them some as well they just didn’t brought them to share with DS.

depends on the size, a lot of them are a few mini packs this year, absolutely tiny.