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AIBU?

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Original poster

She isn't worth it, is she?

88 replies

RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:04

I have a friend (A) who I've known for 25 years, she is part of a group from school (Myself, A, B, C and D.) We would occasionally do things collectively but I would usually see A and the other girls individually. A and I have been close over the years and haven't had any fallouts.

In April of this year I confronted one of the group (B) about her behaviour because she is really horrible about people (saying nasty, judgemental things about people's parenting, children and achievements.) B had broken my trust a few years ago by talking behind my back, and my tolerance had worn down. B has said some awful things about A as recently as this year, but A doesnt know - I didn't tell A what B had said because I didn't want to see A hurt. B and I haven't spoken since the exchange in April and are unlikely to again.

In May there was a situation where B refused to take her kids to the same birthday party as my child was going to (I was happy to go and be civil but then said that I wouldn't go to try to make things easier but B was still insisting that my child, aged 2, and her children, 4 and 2 couldn't be there together), resulting in the host (our mutual friend C) uninviting everyone from the friendship group, including A.

After this, in early June, A refused to come my child's birthday party because no one had been able to go to C's child's. It felt like A was blaming me for what had happened when it was B who tried to force C to choose which children to have at her child's party. C didn't blame me at all and brought her child to my child's party.

A told me said that she needed space, this was the beginning of June. I then messaged her a month later to see how she was and she didn't respond. I then left it and sent her a birthday message in September, again no response. Last night I was thinking about A and I looked at our WhatsApp chat. It looks as though she blocked me a while ago and the birthday message didn't go through. I think that I'm still blocked because I can't see I can't see her profile photo. I texted her last night (maybe I shouldn't have!!), to check in but yet again no response.

A has behaved completely differently to C and D, who have acknowledged that B can be really really awful about people. While C and D are upset with the changes caused by my and B's relationship breakdown, they do understand and respect my decision. I have seen both of them recently and we are in regular contact.

AIBU to think that A has been unreasonable, and that she isn't a good friend?

OP posts:
Evaka · 05/12/2024 19:09

FML, I couldn't be doing with any of this. And sounds like you've come to that conclusion too OP. Forget A and enjoy your other, straightforward friendships x

WhichEllie · 05/12/2024 19:06

I would, and have, cut out people who are messy, confrontational, and like to start drama. I have zero tolerance or patience for it. Especially when it takes the form of a personal attack against the other person, which it sounds like this did. There is absolutely no reason for grown adults to start pontificating to one another about their perceived personal faults and character flaws. It will obviously never result in anything but a falling out and all it does is make the person that started it look like a bully.

So no, I don’t think A is unreasonable regardless of what B is or isn’t like. She probably just doesn’t have any tolerance for this sort of immature conflict.

Prescottdanni123 · 05/12/2024 19:05

Is it possible that B has made up a load of spiteful stuff about you to turn A against you? Could C or D talk to her if they are still in touch?

WilfredsPies · 05/12/2024 19:00

Bloody hell, isn’t this stuff supposed to stop once we leave school?

The only sensible course of action now is to do nothing. Your friendship with A is now as dead as your friendship with B. Whatever her issue with you is, she didn’t value you enough to speak to you and try to resolve things. So let her go. All that will happen is that she’ll probably get closer to B and eventually B will piss her off and she’ll realise she picked the wrong friend.

SmalllChange · 05/12/2024 19:00

Yes, there's no need to explain it, honestly.

I stand by what I said.

You said you'd go so you should've gone, instead of joining in with the "Oh I won't go then" nonsense.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 18:40

@smalllchange Sorry I think I mistyped that bit on the original post!
For clarity...C invited us to the party and I was planning to go with my DH and child. B and her family were also invited. B started saying to C that they wouldn't be going if we were there. C told me this and was upset so I said no problem, I won't go to try to calm things. I wanted C and her child to have the best day possible and for all of the kids to be there. C then went back to B and said that I wasn't going but B still refused to go if my DH and child were there .C then uninvited everyone from the group. B refused to speak to C after it but C and I were fine.

OP posts:
SmalllChange · 05/12/2024 18:28

RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 18:23

@smalllchange A doesnt know both sides, she doesn't know half of the things that B has said or done, including awful things said about A. Unlike my other friends A has never listened to my account/reasoning. My other friends C and D get it because we have talked in depth after the fact, and they have seen how horrible B can be.

Can you just clarify re me throwing my toys out of the pram re the party? I'm not sure what I could have done differently...

Can you just clarify re me throwing my toys out of the pram re the party? I'm not sure what I could have done differently...

How was it not clear? I even put it in bold for you?

You didn't have to join in with all the 'Well I won't go to the party then' nonsense.

That just puts the host in an awkward position and makes you as bad as B.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 18:23

@smalllchange A doesnt know both sides, she doesn't know half of the things that B has said or done, including awful things said about A. Unlike my other friends A has never listened to my account/reasoning. My other friends C and D get it because we have talked in depth after the fact, and they have seen how horrible B can be.

Can you just clarify re me throwing my toys out of the pram re the party? I'm not sure what I could have done differently...

OP posts:
stayathomer · 05/12/2024 18:21

Honestly I’m so sorry but a might easily think you created the drama because you were more knee deep in it

Anotherworrier · 05/12/2024 18:20

She clearly has a different POV on this situation then you though and thinks you bear more responsibility then you’re willing to admit.

Oh, and this is all really childish btw.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 18:17

@MsCactus I totally agree with you, however B and I live a few houses apart so it would have been very difficult/awkward to get that distance if I'd just stopped talking to her. I think that in this unique scenario the only way to ensure that I didn't have to deal with her to confront her. She doubled down and said 'this is who I am' so there was no chance of reconciliation.

OP posts:
SmalllChange · 05/12/2024 18:17

You've written a very one-sided account and it seems as though your friend (who obviously knows both sides), has weighed it up and blocked you.

In May there was a situation where B refused to take her kids to the same birthday party as my child was going to (I was happy to go and be civil but then said that I wouldn't go to try to make things easier

No, this sounds like you also threw your toys out of the pram and makes you just as bad as her.

I don't blame your friend for blocking either of you, I've seen more maturity at toddler groups.

MsCactus · 05/12/2024 18:11

I think if a friend is really bitchy/negative, then you just stop speaking to them - no need to have all the drama of 'having it out with them' etc. I do think you've created some drama and A probably doesn't agree with it

unclebuck · 05/12/2024 17:52

This happened to me.
One person slated another - I told them they were out of order and guess who ended up being cut out?
It has saved me loads of bother tbh - I didn't realise how pathetic and exhausting they all were until I had some distance.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:41

@LonginesPrime it really isn't fun at all. This post may be my way of trying to process the fact that I need to move on. I won't be contacting A again.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 05/12/2024 17:38

Just get new friends.

Unless this is actually fun for you, I can't imagine why you would keep pursuing this person.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:37

@ManhattanPopcorn weirdly I feel much better for having confronted B and not having to deal with her at all anymore! I has been difficult but definitely positive for me.

C and D are great and I do have lots of other friends as well as close family.

It's just sad as I feel that A has turned on me, after 25 years of friendship. As I said we were so close (or I felt we were!)

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 05/12/2024 17:36

I agree to tell A what B said about her and that is why you have cut off ties with B. If A is fine with that then so be it.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 05/12/2024 17:34

RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:29

@InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom
B continued to be horrible about people and I lost all sense of trust in her. She killed the relationship. The thing that pushed me over the edge was that she told me some really personal, upsetting stuff about someone we both know. Just like she did to me a few years before. This person would not want me to know that information. Then, in the same conversation she said tha someone else we know has had too many children and can't cope with them, and tha their 6 year old child is 'spiteful and sly'. As I said, B isn't nice at all.

Edited

You clearly sat and listened to it all, and then went away, got yourself worked up, confronted her, and blew apart the friendship group.

B doesn't sound nice, but you do sound as though you like a drama, and if I were A I wouldn't be getting involved either.

A seems to have just quietly removed herself from all the dramatics, which is exactly what you should have done.

Gettoachiro · 05/12/2024 17:31

A isn't your friend if she has treated you like this. Drop trying to contact them, it's not worth it.

Original poster
RedIvy18 · 05/12/2024 17:29

@InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom
B continued to be horrible about people and I lost all sense of trust in her. She killed the relationship. The thing that pushed me over the edge was that she told me some really personal, upsetting stuff about someone we both know. Just like she did to me a few years before. This person would not want me to know that information. Then, in the same conversation she said tha someone else we know has had too many children and can't cope with them, and tha their 6 year old child is 'spiteful and sly'. As I said, B isn't nice at all.

OP posts:
ManhattanPopcorn · 05/12/2024 17:25

You don't like B, so don't spend time with her. It's not your job to confront her and show her the error of her ways.

FoxtonFoxton · 05/12/2024 17:25

Shit like this makes me so glad I have an incredibly small and casual friend group. It's just too intense and too dramatic.
She's probably blocked you and clearly isn't interested in maintaining a friendship. Leave it at that and get on with your life. Don't text her anymore, she's not going to answer.

Calamitousness · 05/12/2024 17:24

A is better friends with B. They are talking about you and this will be all your fault. You will not win, cut them both out.

Notimeforaname · 05/12/2024 17:21

No, get on with your life.. stop being annoyed/offended on behalf of people that don't even know they're supposed to be annoyed/offended