Need a hand hold part 4

@Imbluedalale I'm absolutely sure you don't look like crap!! I bet you look more lovely than you can imagine.

It's really really hard starting again and I'm astonished how quickly you have put a beautiful home together. Secondhand doesn't mean cheap or nasty, it means smart and clever. You're using your head and indomitable spirit to make the most of your means and chosen some lovely pieces to make things cosy.

Don't forget that we have seen the photos and many of us Spoonies would love our house to look like yours and have said so.

I can see where you are coming from but all those flashy things in life, while appealing to some aren't really important. Your kids might not realise that yet and can be swayed for a bit.

You're not going to magically be able to outspend him and you shouldn't try. Buying affection rarely works, especially if it doesn't come with care and love between the big "demonstrations". It can leave you feeling like you are just a commodity, paid to go away until they have a use for you.

Which would you prefer?

Someone who only supports you when you do what they want you to. Who will belittle your aspirations and tell lies and manipulate your feelings. BUT they will buy you fancy stuff occasionally to make you feel better.

OR someone who is constantly looking out for you and cheering you on. Makes sure they show you that you are important to them and loved. Who is ready to listen to your dreams and tell you that you are going to be able to attain them. Who might not have a lot of money but makes sure you are taken care of and gets you little treats when they can. Who cares about you when you are sad and always a shoulder to cry on when things go wrong. Who will never be able to get you a dream car but will show you how to be your best self and never give up, so one day you can be proud of yourself for attaining it. know who I want in my life and prefer.

It's also best not to get into a "which person is best" fight if you can. If he gives her a car, it doesn't diminish the steadfast love you give her, it just means she's got a car. Let him do the best of him that he can and be glad for her when he does something nice and be there for her for the many many times he will fall short. You are going to have a few years before she's full standing on her own feet and she's going to need both of you and find value in the things both of you provide for her, both emotionally and financially. As long as they are safe and not being abused by your ex and family, there's things that will benefit your kids by having contact.

Also keep in mind that there's bound to be a negative narrative that's being told to her directly or overheard, when she's with your ex and family. Even if it's not landing and she doesn't believe any of it, it's emotionally unsettling. Especially as you are all negotiating the way life will be as a family going forward. She, like your other kids have to fit in and keep the peace while at your ex's, because they are still dependants. It can be hard trying to look one way to him, while secretly feeling a different way. Like the way she was honestly talking about how nice your house was, only to be told it's a council house, to make her feel bad. Then hearing that you might get it "taken off" you, just makes her anxious and afraid. Then she'll start feeling guilty about sharing the information. Its so horrible for them to be using the emotions of your children like this but it's not uncommon.

Teenagers aren't great at either realising what is bothering them or talking about it directly. It can come out in being angry and unreasonable, even when they realise it's unreasonable to be angry. They can pick arguments about something else, rather than the thing that it's about. Sometimes they are being horrible as a way to get proof that they are loved. Sort of "Well if they love me they will stop me", sort of thing. Rather than just asking for a cuddle which would be much nicer all around. We had a therapist come into college to talk about parenting teens and she went into how their brains develop. In her words "Teenage brains are very similar to terrorist's", which I found shocking at the time. However I could understand that they don't have the same ability to stop and think things through and tend to be quite reactive. Which can make you feel like you never know what you are going to face. Add in periods and it's a perfect storm.😰

Yes it's hard to get the balance right with them. They definitely are good at the nag, ask, nag, question, ask, nag until they get the answer they want! 😂😂
The important thing to remember is that she wants to spend time with you. It wasn't possible now but that wish of wanting to be close with you won't disappear just because of feeling a bit disappointed and upset.

If you are looking at the Tena wash and shampoo, it is a good product but does require rinsing off, unlike the wash cream. That might not be so much of a problem for you as you are able to use a sink etc. It's been made not to irritate fragile skin and be gentle on hair. I know friends have used it during chemo when they are having problems with hair loss as it's a bit less aggressive than standard shampoo.

Oh dear that's hard for you and I would be upset about it too. It's lovely that she's being a good friend and helping her mate feel better but obviously wasn't taking onboard that you were ill too. Teenagers can be a bit antsy and difficult from time to time can't they. She might have been feeling a bit awkward if she had told her mate you definitely were coming and then had to say you weren't. It might be why she was trying to talk you into going.
My daughter has days where she is grumpy and you can't seem to say the right thing. It's always us Mums who are left feeling a bit shit and wondering if we could have done something different It can be quite hurtful, especially when she thinks I'm saying something I'm not. Then the next day it's all smiles and on the odd occasion, an apology for being grotty.

I get mine in a large order but it's also available from Amazon. They do it in a large pump bottle which is cheaper per quantity but it's also in a smaller squeezey tube. It's designed for intimate care so it's safe for all of your skin.

www.amazon.co.uk/Tena-Wash-Cream-Pump-Dispenser/dp/B00GMKB61E/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=2W68LTFHLT9O2&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.E8NQX3j0P0k6q074x3gRbLbKrg_x2STm0CCVVZIFD4PFxm9saYfcB9nj5BPvbdwJ2mBzBur396nbNvohU1vy9G4jAh9Kp1C6dhE9dd9q8cp0NWL0ZyfM_ySLUnN_3yg7qDOuX7LSfPIbepPpWk1Xi9Ab6zhP0nFGT_UyX3sBcgqgtAOBQcLO75bAleWT8GxN3fH5Frf9kErHZwWnxh-2Lw.edbQaBPPuGkmEuPX-C_k28kf86BWaF60RrsD8dj_KSQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=tena+wash+cream&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1733886426&sprefix=tena+was%2Caps%2C120&sr=8-2

I am still recovering from overdoing it and didn't wake up until midday again. I did a bit of die cutting in the afternoon but there's nothing much to see, except a bunch of bits of white paper in different shapes. Even though it's an electric die cutting machine, so not physically hard. I do get tired after doing a number of things through it. I listened to my body and stopped once I'd done a reasonable amount and my back was hurting, rather than ignoring it and crippling myself. I also don't want to stress my daughter out, as she's revising for her next exam. It upsets her when she finds out I've been a bit of an idiot and pushed myself too hard. 😬

I remember the yucky feeling I had when I had my chest drain in and not able to shower. I also have to rely on bed bath wipes when I am too unwell to get out of bed. There's some nice soft ones or you can use a non rinse wash cream that both cleans and moisturises, while leaving behind a light fragrance. If you are worried about infection, there are also some that leave an antibacterial on your skin. They use things like that in the hospital in critical care because they understand the importance of feeling human, despite being unwell.

Here's a picture of a card I made in the past for you to enjoy, as I haven't got one done yet.

@Imbluedalale I'm not surprised that you have been feeling wiped out. The anaesthetic itself can leave you feeling like that but so can coping with pain. It was just bad timing for your daughter to think that you would feel well enough to go out to the cinema and although you are feeling like you let her down, it's still the right decision. You don't want to put stress on the stitches or expose yourself to more germs. It would have been traumatic for both of you if the bleeding became a problem when you were out too. It's ok to not be a super woman and power on for others. Reassure her that you are as sad as she is about not being able to go but be honest with her about the pain and illness you are feeling, so she can understand.

Maybe plan something nice for both of you at home in a few days when you feel better. Like sharing a tasty treat together and/or watching a film together.

Hopefully you will feel a lot better in the morning. Be gentle with yourself and patient. Recovery is rarely a straight path and it's hard to be patient when you have a million things you want to get on with. I understand that frustration but have learned that sometimes you have to rest to do more.

Here's another hug for you Laura. It always gives you a bit of an empty feeling when you don't get a message from your kids when they know that you are going for an operation. Teens can be quite self absorbed or just a little thoughtless. They think they will be told if something bad happened but forget that there's only you to tell them and maybe not able to. It doesn't mean that they don't care though.
We are all glad to hear it went smoothly and you are recovering. I think that they choose to use removable stitches so that they get a better cosmetic outcome, but I might be wrong.
Lots of visits to hospital and doctors can wear you out but please don't put off going to the doctors for your throat. It might not be something serious but if they are saying urgently, it might need treating so it doesn't make you more unwell. @Apolloneuro Had a good idea, maybe make the appointment for a later date and then you'll not have to wait extra time, when you feel more able to do it.

Hi Laura, how are you? I think we are all a little bit concerned as you haven’t posted much today! Hopefully it’s because you have been able to have a much needed rest.
Hope you have heard from your children today, and your daughter is with you.
Another cuddle 🤗 from me. Hope you have a much better night than last night. 😘🌺

I'm another saying contact the docs tomorrow.

It will just be hanging over you otherwise xxx
Only nagging cause we care!
sleep well lovely

Hi ya Laura, hope you have been able to have a restful day and enjoyed the film. I’m with @Apolloneuro , it would be good to get a doctors appointment booked so you can put it to the the back of your mind.
Sending a big cuddle 🤗🤗

Gonna watch that film now.

Laura, please can I do a teeny tiny nag and wonder if you could at least ring the surgery and make an appointment for later in the week?

I know you’re fed up of appointments. I can completely see why you are, but if the appointments made you can at least put it to the back of your mind xxxxx

Morning Laura, I’m sorry you’re feeling blue. Surgery is such a hard thing to go through, you’re doing really well. I love your poster!

I was reading about that film too this morning, it sounds great. Sending a big hug and lots of love. xx

Hi spoonies, hope everyone is OK.

Sorry about your leg and early bed change, Laura. That's stressful. I'm glad it doesn't hurt too much, keep taking painkillers. Sending a big cuddle, I'm sorry you didn't get much back from your children yesterday. They can be so loving but so wrapped up in their own world at times (let along with your ex talking shit to them). They'll come around, I know it but I get it's so so hard in the meantime. Lots of hugs and enjoy the netflix film. Which one is it?

I'm just getting ready for my usual Tuesday coffee meeting!