Need a hand hold part 4

@Imbluedalale 😂just spat my tea out at your transsexual story!!
The nurse must have thought you had the best surgeon in the 🌎!
Work lunch out for me today....it was very nice but I'm off out for another meal tonight, believe me when I say I very rarely go out and I'm not going to sleep tonight as I will be too full

If anyone can help others, it's you. Your support team sees that in you, and so do we xxx

😂😂 at putting transexual down on the forms and the nurse that had been washign you in the shower thinking you were male to female! That did make me laugh.

That's amazing that your mental health team wanted to put you down for a support group to provide others with help and support. That just shows how far you've come and that they can see it. The self-esteem course also sounds amazing and like that could be a big help.

I've been to a funeral today, not someone I was super close to but someone who died a bit before their time and after a very short illness and it was pretty emotional - in a positive way as well as sad and felt lovely to remember her and hear stories about her life. Im' now sitting at my desk trying to work 😐.

Haha @Imbluedalale they must have all been so confused! As if you would have needed that extra complication in your life!!! 🍆🍊🍊✂️🤨❓

You have been in my thoughts a lot over the last few days. Teenagers are notoriously selfish, I’m sorry your kids aren’t checking in on you more. But I guess that means you’ve done a good job of protecting them from worrying too much, so they’re thinking you’re basically fine and this operation wasn’t a big deal.

It’s awful that your ex and his horrible family are getting into your son’s head. I love the image of surrounding your children with a sea of love and reasonableness @RaspberryBeretxx . Your ex can’t win long term against that because he isn’t reasonable, and before too long your kids will see that. But I’m sorry this stage is so painful.

@Imbluedalale Your Spoonies Army are all making very valuable points. You still have the narrative in your head that all the bad things are your fault, because it's what you have been indoctrinated to believe. Totally understandable because it's going to take time for you to corral the inner voice that's being destructive. We all have one, but you've been forced to believe everything it says is gospel by the other people around you. It's not going to change overnight but eventually you will be able to tell it to be quiet. None of it is your fault whatsoever.

If it was possible to cause someone to have high blood pressure purely on stress, you would have popped like a balloon by now!!
There's usually some physical thing that needs medication and management, when someone has consistently high blood pressure. Hopefully she has support from her doctor to control it. Your dad is naturally being protective towards her because he's worried and sees how it affects her as he's living with her. He's less aware of how affected you are as he's not there all the time. He's also used to thinking everything is fine.
Your mum does need to avoid unnecessary stress, where possible but that doesn't mean you can't talk to her about how you are feeling. She's not going to stop worrying about you, just because you don't tell her. It can be even more stressful knowing that someone isn't ok but is hiding it from you. Our brains are very good at going to the extreme and imagining the worst when we don't have information.

One way to try to minimise the stress for her is to try to have a plan of action or something positive that you are working towards, that you can talk about it with her. So she doesn't feel like she's got to try to solve the situation all the time. It will give her confidence that you are moving forward and not stuck in a bad place. It's also really good for you, because you have something to aim for. It doesn't have to be big. It could be as simple as, "This week I will plan to cook most of my meals at home, so I know that I am getting the nutrients my body needs to heal". Or I'm going to take the photos of my house and get them printed so I can add them into my scrapbook. Then each week I am going to look at a photo and write down the things I really like about it and how much I enjoyed choosing X bit of décor.

Try to choose something that you feel confident is possible. Preferably 7 out of 10 or more, on the confidence scale. This stops you from always trying something that's unattainable. Have a deadline say a week or two in the future, where you can look back and see how you got on. It's ok if you don't achieve it, just celebrating the bits that did work and learning why the other bits weren't possible, is still valuable. When you catch yourself thinking poorly if yourself, think about what you would say to one of your Spoonies, who didn't manage to achieve their goal. You deserve to be treated as kindly as you would treat a friend.

I’m so sorry Laura that you were feeling so groggy yesterday. I’m sure it’s a really normal reaction to the op and the anaesthetic on top of everything else. And of course you couldn’t go to the cinema! You did exactly the right thing - fainting in the cinema or on the way and going off to hospital would have been a worse night for your daughter , you really need to look after your physical health just now.

I wonder if part of your children pulling away a bit and are being not very caring is that they’re actually a bit worried and scared so they sort of just ignore the situation (and therefore you) and even create a bit of drama (on your daughter’s part) to make it about them. In a totally normal teen way but to displace their fears and centre themselves. I’m not sure I would really have known what to do if my mum was ill at those ages.

They also have your ex’s attitude towards you as an example and him and his Mum’s evil little voices in their ears. I think just keep on being the calm voice of reason and love. I may have said this before but my Uncle who’s a mental health nurse, when I was going through things with my ex, said you have to “surround them with a sea of reasonableness” and I often think of that saying. I was imagining you surrounding your children with a sea of love, reasonableness and compassion. I’m sure you’ve already done that and they are aware on some level that your ex has been an absolute arse to you but are stuck in the fog, trying to appease him themselves (I assume they save their worst behaviour for you and are angels for him? Mine definitely does!). Did you ever discuss your broken ribs that the principal told your daughter about with her?

My DS absolutely asks and asks and asks if he wants something (usually a sleepover). I have to be really really firm and do worry that I’ve upset him but he actually just takes it on the chin, it’s me who is left feeling worried and crappy. I’m sure you’r daughter will forget about it all sooner than you do!

My close friend has a teen who was nagging and complaining about something and she reached the end of her tether and shouted “well what do you actually want me to do about it?!” and he calmly said “oh, nothing really, I just wanted a moan...”. I always try and remember "he just wants a moan... he just wants a moan..." when DS is going on and on and on… Sometimes they actually get an emotional need met by the nagging/pushing/complaining.

I think the anger you feel towards your ex is so so normal and needs to be felt rather than swallowed down and held onto as it will only come out later on. There are some good techniques for releasing anger like stomping and things - they may not be possible right now when you’re in recovery but I’ll try and find some good ones when you’re feeling a bit better or some that can be done more easily.

Ugh at your family blaming you for your mum’s blood pressure. It’s 100% not your fault, nor is you having cancer or your ex throwing you out or the situation with your children. You’ve done amazingly well to get to this point given everything, you have nothing to feel bad or guilty about at all. Sending a big hug and lots of feel better vibes to you. Enjoy the rest of the film, I was listening to Richard Curtis talking about it on Zoe ball on radio 2 this morning on the nursery run. It sounds really lovely.

Well done for ringing the doctors. that’s such an achievement (I say this as the person who needs to book a smear test).

@BeNavyCrab good luck to your daughter in her next exam. The card is beautiful!

I better post this now before I write more and it gets any more of a novel! Hello all the spoonies. Hope you're all OK.

Hi Laura - what a rubbish time you're having - just rest when you feel like resting right now - and totally get the 'just not today' thing - you're listening to your mind/body and that's the most essential thing.
Your daughter- just a few thoughts - she's going to be self absorbed at around 16 (?) but they turn back into humans eventually- girls are often extra dramatic alongside though (sigh). Things that jumped out at me - she does not want to think of you as poorly; you're her Mum and it upsets her to a point she doesn't want to think even the tiniest bit about it so she pushes to prove it's ok really; Mums are seen as the invincible rock but just because she needs you, loves you, and wants you there forever - don't expect her to actively say this anytime particularly soon though! Also her friends can't go and have that time at your exes, you're nicer than that - you listen/have empathy and care for her needs/interests, not getting that so much with Dad/Gruesome Gran. She feels totally safe with you to tantrum - would she do that at her dad's?
It's natural to feel you let her down - you didn't though - and despite above it's fine she starts learning about you, your needs, and gaining some empathy and skills to take into adult life - you're still teaching her these things, as her Mum, even if it's not as straightforward as we hope/imagine.
Re 'stuff' - when kids were small and paternal Nan went OTT on stuff a nursery worker caught my expression (contact arrangements meant daughter had been dropped there after) - she said 'let them enjoy it, don't take that away' - I tried very hard on this since - very hard it is too tbh. They didn't love her more, or less tbf, for this ultimately- the high of the stuff was 'fleeting', it was what happened with Nan but making no odds to what happened with mum, and as adults they know how people are. They always loved their Nan, but saw her faults, and were much closer to me than her. Long long paragraph to say not worry about it - you know why your ex does this and so will your daughter- she may even know now but she's never going to turn it down!
Blood pressure- load of tosh imo and don't they think they're stressing your Mum being so adverse to her relationship with you - she wants to support all her kids and will be worried about all of you in different ways - she will get much pleasure helping you now too.
Wish I could send a nice crafted card pic - but it would be depressing and scary if I tried 🙈🤣 - wishing you a restful day though and you are doing great!

One day, when you’re feeling better you might like to read up on the Internal Families System model of therapy, developed by a guy called Dick Schwartz.

Basically all parts are trying to protect us and be helpful. It’s just that the part that tells you you’re rubbish is a bit misguided and needs accepting, healing and rebalancing. That’s what I mean by saying tell it to please hush (in a nice way like you would a child).

I’ve got to rush out now but I’ll write more later xxx

Mate don’t send any more messages to your daughter apologising for letting her down - you HAVEN’T let her down. You had a blinking chunk of your leg cut out!

We’re trying not to do this narrative of you being dreadful, sweetheart, although it’s a voice that’s shouting loudly in your head. Speak to that part of you and tell it to please settle down, as you’ve got things under control.

Actually if anyone’s letting anyone down it’s her to you, but we forgive her because she’s a daft teenager.

Just want to agree with all the others, you being ill is not your fault, you need to look after yourself and that is your number one priority. Your daughter is probably so used to you putting everyone else’s needs above your own that she is struggling to understand that can’t always happen. But it can’t always happen, and nor should it. So don’t apologise to her, you have done nothing wrong, she’s the one who should feel bad for pressuring you. Resting after an operation is simply a lot more important than going to the cinema!

And I totally agree with @Apolloneuro , your mum’s mental health is her issue to manage, if she struggles that’s not your fault, you don’t have to protect her and you don’t have to hide from everyone how ill you actually feel.

You matter Laura. You are important.

It sounds like a little thing with everything else you’re dealing with, but if your bed is too hot and sweaty to sleep in comfortably, that matters more than your mum getting her feelings hurt a tiny bit about you not using the stuff she bought you. (I have those furry pillow cases, we use them for camping in summer and in winter I put one at the bottom of my bed to snuggle my feet into which is lovely. Any more fur than that on the bed and I’d be a miserable sweaty mess!)

You matter, your needs matter, you have nothing to feel guilty about. All of us are on your side. Just rest and focus on your health. xxx

I agree with the other spoonies. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. You couldn’t possibly go to the cinema. Your daughter is just being a typical, thoughtless teenager.

Finish ‘That Christmas’. It’s so good, though be warned a bit of a tear jerker.

Keep calm and carry on. You’re doing soooo well. It’ll all be ok with your kids. Oh and you’re not responsible for your mum getting ill. You didn’t deliberately get cancer did you. Your mum is responsible for her own mental health, so any siblings who get mardy with you can fuck off!

@Imbluedalale just catching up before I go to work getting crosser and crosser on your behalf!!
@BeNavyCrab and @Nottogetapenny have said everything I want to say!
You would have been mad to go to the cinema yesterday...or even this week
Your kids are v v influenced by what they have seen and heard from Twat and his family
You are amazing, lean on your support worker today xxx

Hi Laura you weren’t being ignorant yesterday, you were having a much needed rest.
Your daughter is so unbelievably selfish, to think you could go to the cinema so soon after your op. You are not a crap mum, but a lovely caring one.
You have got it into your head that you are crap, by all the negativity you have had to hear and experience throughout the years.
You are amazing, we care about you, you have gone through so much and still going through so much, you need to rest.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t update your thread daily but it does matter that you are ok. 😘🌺

My husband has the day off work today so I think we are going to wrap up the Christmas presents. We are going to my parents for Christmas. My daughter is joining us there from uni and our son will come when he starts his holiday time. So we will all be together for both my husband's birthday before Christmas and for Christmas itself. It's really special to be able to be together and spend time with eachother.

I know that in the future you will be supporting someone else who is having a hard time. It's often those who have walked in the darkness, who are best placed to hold the torch for another because we know how difficult it is to imagine the light.

You actually made me laugh out loud.
Weak like you!! Who are you talking about? May I introduce you to Laura? You are most definitely not weak. You have been and are incredibly brave, determined and resourceful. You're showing them that despite many different serious problems, you are getting up every day and working on making it better one.

Yes, it took time to realise that you had been put in a prison but it's never cut and dried. It's still possible to love someone who treats you terribly and be holding out for them returning to the person who you fell in love with. It's further complicated by the love of your children and not wanting anything to impact them. We will choose to suffer so that they don't.

None of the above makes you weak. You are teaching them to value themselves and to be able to recognise when they start to get controlled, as that's the most difficult thing as it is so slow and insidious. And you 100 percent are teaching them how to be strong by being who you are! Never never forget that. Xx