Need a hand hold part 4

I totally agree, with @TealPoet Wise words and so brilliantly put! I would text your son as just tell him you really want to see him and how much you love him. 😘🌺

Huge hugs! This is awful for you but PLEASE don’t let them wear you down! They’re despicably using your son as a weapon and that’s on them - you are a GREAT mum!

I definitely don’t believe you should let that woman in your home and I’m disgusted that she’s manipulating you by making those comments. That’s text-book abuse. NONE of this is your fault!

I wish I had a solution for you, I really do. Could you tell him you don’t feel safe letting MIL in because of how ex has treated you, or does he not know enough for that? Could you arrange to meet them both in a cafe or restaurant so she’s not near your home and doesn’t have the incentive to stay around?

HUGE hugs! You deserve so much better than this and please please remember their abuse is not your fault!

I agree. You need to get advice from the professionals regarding if your ex mother turned up. A Ring doorbell system or even a peek hole, would be a good idea. 😘🌺

My nanny and mum always had a cat. I had one as a child and seen it get run over one day. The guy got out of his car and lifted her by the scruff and left her on the pavement. My mum was out and I remember being in hysterics. I was never interested in having an animal after that but of course didn't realise the trauma 😂 My son wanted a dog but that work would just fall to me and I've enough responsibility thank you very much.

😍😍 they’re so lovely! I was never a cat person till I got mine. Hope you’ve managed to stay resting on the sofa despite no cat pinning you down 😁.

Oh I’d love all of those on my ex plus piles and threadworms and that his next shit is a hedgehog xx

And don't forget being bashed with enormous spoons by a gang of very very cross Spoonies! 😁

I have been trying to think of things you could say if she turned up with the children. I think you should take advice from your social worker about this. The thing is you want the children to come in, but not her, but goodness knows what she's told them, so they might refuse or get upset.

I agree with @RaspberryBeretxx saying thanks for bringing the children but you can't come inside, and other people might have better ideas. I thought maybe you could say that you have been advised not to allow her in by your social worker - or someone like that - and that you have been advised not to allow yourself to be emotionally abused by others in these ways. What do you think? What about - "children I love you very very much and I really want to have you here, but I cannot have your grandmother in the house, I'm sorry." Would you be able to get them back to their father's house if she left them?

It's such a knotty problem which is why I think you should discuss it with the professionals supporting you. Also you know these people (and your children) best, and you will have the most accurate idea about how they are going to react and behave.

Cameras and ring doorbell are a must - if she is on camera she can't gaslight you afterwards.

Hi Laura, I have 7 wonderful grandchildren, 4 boys and 3 girls! My eldest daughter has 3 children, they live a 3 hour drive from us, but we see them every other weekend and spend some time over holidays with them. My son is about a hour away, we see them quite often he has 2 children and my other daughter lives local and has 2 children.

My daughter has just rung me to say, her eldest daughter had been sick, at bedtime last night. So my daughter and son in law were busy cleaning up the sick. Her little sister who is 3, announced to her mummy and daddy ‘Well you two are too busy, too take me to bed! I’ll do it myself!

I been trying to think of how best you could handle the situation if that evil woman turned up. My first thought was keep her at the door, and calmly tell her why she not welcome! If it’s your daughter with her, she is old enough to understand, that things were so bad, that’s why you ended up homeless.
It is so difficult, but if you let her in with any of your children, it would be a win for her and you definitely don’t want that!

There is goodness in the world, and some really lovely people.
Spoonies unite. 😘🥄🥄🥄🌺

Ah @RaspberryBeretxx I was literally in the same position as you till the cat half slid off me for a better stretch out 😂 My wee legs just aren't big enough!

🤣🤣 at the steak emoji!

Really hope you can get some extra security @Imbluedalale , that sounds a really good plan. Definitely don’t let your ex MIL into your house. That’s horrifying with her taking money and swapping the tights and your ex punching you, she sounds just as abusive as her vile son 😞. If she turns up with the DC can you just be cold but calm, maybe start your phone recording quietly as well? Hopefully in time you’ll have a ring doorbell or similar that will record everything. And don’t let her in. You could also see if you can talk to your mental health team or domestic abuse support to see what advice they have.

I like the book “when I say no I feel guilty” which has some good methods for speaking assertively eg broken record: “thank you for bringing the children, you can’t come inside” and keep saying it in response to anything she says. There’s a few other methods too and lots of examples so it’s easy to follow.

it’s so awful that they’re using traveller law to abuse your children and you further. I hope that SS and the court will see through them. surely the fact that you as parents never used traveller law before will help. Big hugs.

Thinking of you @TealPoet and sending a gentle hug, hope you feel better soon.

Enjoy the panto @Apolloneuro. that sounds a lovely but busy day!

@Nottogetapenny i love your description of your grandchildren, that’s so beautiful that they all bring their own sparkle 💖. Hope they don’t run you too ragged 🤪.

@BeNavyCrab hope you’re ok and the painkillers kicked in and you got some extra sleep. What’s next on the crafting projects?

👋 to all the other Spoonies, hope everyone has a lovely day xx

I'm sitting in my pjs pinned to the sofa by the cat while dd chatters away! Must get up as I have so much to do 🤦🏻‍♀️🤪 . Hoping to fit in a visit to DS’s school Christmas fayre later as they have Father Christmas there.

That steak emoji has made me laugh out loud! I’m a vegetarian as well.

I'll take a whack of steak if that's what's going @Imbluedalale 😂 I did wonder!
Everything you are going through is totally normal even if you aren't sure yourself. You've got lots of wise spoons on here to guide you. Saying no is a good place to start. It's liberating I've found as I get older!

Morning!

Thank you for caring enough to tell me off, @Imbluedalale. I do put myself down a bit.

Nice to hear from you @TealPoet and sorry you’re being burdened. I hope your day is as good as possible.

There’s a few of us with chronic health issues isn’t there. I’m tired but have to push through today. Work this morning, panto with 4 year old this afternoon, then a visitor for strictly final tonight.

Tomorrow I plan a day on the sofa.

I want your vile ex to get scabies, rabies and his teeth fall out. Bastard.

Good morning Spoonies! I am up having honey and lemon myself. I haven't really had much tea this week as the thought of the milk doesn't appeal at all.
As always @Imbluedalale you humble me in the strength you possess to overcome the most horrific living circumstances. I'm sure there's help via police for threat of DV and your support team will know all about it. There's no reason for those people to be at your home or near it without your permission. You are in charge! I understand it's a worry though.
I can't believe everyone is ill this week. Sending you all my very best wishes ❤️

It took awhile before my husband actually decided enough was enough. It started with snooping but nothing important. Then moved on to looking for things like bank statements and reading them. The first few things she took were minor so he didn't want to "upset her". When finally confronted she said she was borrowing them but they never got returned. It was only when he realised that she'd actively misdirected him, to actually steal that he had had enough.We never got anything back but decided that it was more important to stop any repeat offending and maintain a distant relationship, so it didn't blow up the rest of the family relationships as well.

I found it really difficult because I didn't want to be the cause of him being alienated and knew she'd eventually hang herself if given enough rope to do so, but found it incredibly hard to allow it to happen. I'm not someone who forgives a betrayal easily, and especially when it's family who does it, it hurts.

What a horrible woman she is, stealing your tights and then telling her son, who I'm certain she knew would hit you. 😭

I really sympathise with you. Health problems can be all consuming and take everything out of you. Hopefully there's someone in your life to lean on, even if it's just to "stand in the trenches with you". Sending you strength and love and a massive hug x

I am feeling a bit better thanks. I'm awake for painkillers and waiting for them to kick in before I can get back to sleep. I know it's so frustrating about the traveller law, everyone is so frightened of being found to be discriminating. Which in principle I support because you don't want any child not to get the support they need to be educated. However he's using it in the way it wasn't intended for, to actually abuse them. I'm furious about it on your behalf.

I also echo the never let the Mum in law near your home. We had some problems with the MIL in the past and at the start I gave her the benefit of the doubt and didn't want to cause more drama for my husband's sake. She took advantage and actually stole things out of the house, behind both of our backs. Intentionally and by asking for something else, to enable the deed while my husband was distracted. That was awful but it was equally as awful for the feeling of being snooped on and the judgemental (incorrect) comments that she then spread around the rest of the family. In the end my husband stopped her visiting and it's been so much better since. There's something really important in having a place where you feel safe both physically and mentally. Especially with the extreme things you have had to endure. Can you afford to get security cameras, so you know who is outside without opening the door? Can the police help you with them, if it's too expensive for you. I thought I have seen someone on TV who was abused and they put up cameras for her because she was vulnerable.