Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To baby my teenage sons?

217 replies

IamFineIamFINE · 05/12/2024 16:52

Name changed for this thread but long term poster.

So I see all the posts about how the Mum is to blame for adult men not pulling their weight around the house because 'Mummy' has spoiled him...but is it really the Mum's fault?

Surely as a grown adult you are responsible for your own behaviour?

I see it as the world is a hard place, My sons are only late teens, but I do still do more than I should for this reason. I would have loved to have parents who helped me. That one place where you feel safe and know someone will look after you.

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to. I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood. They are lovely boys but I do worry I'm setting them up to think other people should look after them.

But surely it should be different if it's their Mum? I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship. This is something I've spoken about along with compromising and respect.

I guess my AIBU is, am I setting myself up to be a hated MIL?

YABU - yes YANBU - no

I am interested in peoples thoughts on it.

OP posts:
Moonlightstars · 05/12/2024 17:03

Reasons to do less:

  1. Learn skills
  2. Be more resilient
  3. Not be embarrassed that they are mummy boys
  4. Make them more attractive (no bigger turn off than a man that can't cook or clean or self manage)
  5. Have better happier relationships when older
  6. Not have their partners resent you when older
  7. Make the transition to uni easier so they don't fail.
ru53 · 05/12/2024 17:03

How will they learn to pull their weight in a relationship if they get no practice? It’s not just learning to do the task it’s learning to remember that the task needs doing.

habgsidldjsbeudbsbsgdjebej · 05/12/2024 17:03

Depends on ages and what you are doing for them.

Cooking them dinner if you're cooking anyway is fine. Cooking them something separate and or at a different time is not

Washing their clothes as you've got some to put on anyway is fine but them not hanging them out to dry or putting them away is not

Taking them breakfast in bed as a test I think is not ok but others say this is a nice thing but them not bringing the plates and cups down and washing them is not fine

Putting clothes in the wash basket because there not enough for a load to go on is fine but leaving them on the floor for you to pick up is not ok

Giving them lifts is fine if they are respectful but if they have been rude or messed about in school that day then it's not fine

If you ask them to help with something and they don't do it that's a problem and you end up doing it then that's not fine

Lentilweaver · 05/12/2024 17:02

What exactly do you do? Advising on uni courses, fine. Picking their clothes off the floor, not so fine.

JumpstartMondays · 05/12/2024 17:01

Tiswa · 05/12/2024 16:53

You need to listen to them and follow their lead - you may want to but they are telling you to stop and they want to be more independent

that means sometimes they will be and sometimes they won’t but they need to be the ones who decide

Yup, this.

Orangesandlemons77 · 05/12/2024 17:01

Hi OP I know what you mean, I am a bit like this too. I am trying not to be though as I think they need to be more independent

nearlynorthern17 · 05/12/2024 17:01

Where you've said as an adult your responsible for your own behaviour...that's the point, they don't know how to be if you've always done everything. Any ability for independent thought and problem solving has never been learnt. But as someone married to this type of man and having been raised by a mother who made me do everything myself, I do get jealous sometimes 😆

Beezknees · 05/12/2024 17:00

Yes, YABVU. I have a teenage son and expect him to do his bit. Mum does not equal skivvy.

DreadPirateRobots · 05/12/2024 16:59

Coddling teens mostly teaches them that they are incapable and can't cope with the world. You're doing it for you, not for them. They've told you themselves it's too much.

ProfessaChaos · 05/12/2024 16:59

Have you taught them how to do general life tasks? Like cooking, laundry, ironing?

coffeesaveslives · 05/12/2024 16:59

Why aren't you listening to your children and continuing to treat them like they're incapable and incompetent? That's not being a good, loving parent - it's actually being incredibly selfish.

BobbyBiscuits · 05/12/2024 16:58

What do you do for them?
Teach them to cook, show them the cleaning products? Do they know how to operate a washing machine and utilise a cloth and a mop?
I'll tell you one thing, the more you baby them the less appealing they'll be to the opposite sex. Or same sex if that's their thing.
Give as much independence as possible, trust them, by all means give them money if you can afford it.
But don't teach them that women are subordinates who clean up and do housework while men do whatever they 'enjoy'.
I hope you'll encourage them to get part time jobs. Then if they CBA to clean they can pay for a cleaner amongst themselves.

MangshorJhol · 05/12/2024 16:57

At some point they have to learn these adult skills. It’s better to make these mistakes when they are younger and you can help. Otherwise they’ll be mid 20s and either incompetent or still constantly asking you for help. So when they move in with a partner if they can’t cook, clean etc then whose job is it to help them learn these skills?

Our job as parents is ultimately to make sure they can survive without us.

SapphireOpal · 05/12/2024 16:57

Yes YABU.

They WANT you to do less. They are telling you they need to learn to handle things themselves.

What kinds of things are we talking anyway?

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 05/12/2024 16:54

They're literally asking you to stop and do less. You're not doing it for them, you're doing it for you.

NotISaidTheCat · 05/12/2024 16:54

I feel for you OP. You're right, the world's a hard place -- but for that reason, we need to set our kids up to be able to handle it on their own.

Tiswa · 05/12/2024 16:53

You need to listen to them and follow their lead - you may want to but they are telling you to stop and they want to be more independent

that means sometimes they will be and sometimes they won’t but they need to be the ones who decide