To baby my teenage sons?

Your job as a parent is to raise independent, well equipped, well rounded adults, not to fulfil your own wants and desires.

Even they are telling you to stop. We all need to learn how to be self sufficient to cook, clean and be good partners not takers when do you expect them to learn? Maybe when they are 30 living in squaller on junk food?

They say it to be nice. I know they would rather I did these things or else they would refuse to let me, but it's more a 'Mum you don't need to...but thank you'.

We all have stuff we don’t want to do and it’s lovely that someone can do it for you but it doesn’t work like that when you’re an adult. Nobody is doing the chores for you that you don’t like.

These things that they don’t want to do and you do, are they things that should have been done at an earlier point? They’ve not put the washing on but could have done it hours ago when they woke up and now it’s late afternoon and you do it for them because they need their kit and they know if they say a thank you, all is ok? If so, then yes you are developing men that are perfectly capable of doing housework but choose not to because their time is more important than a woman’s but it’s ok as long as they say thank you after and acknowledge the woman didn’t need to (even though she did). I think the fact that their dad makes them do chores and you don’t is also affirming that a man’s time is more valuable.

My kid is still very young but I make sure he is involved in a lot of the cooking I do, helps put the laundry in, load and help empty the washer, clear the table after dinner. Always puts clothes in the hamper. Knows if toys/ arts and crafts aren’t put away after using they’ll be going in the bin.

he already notices if the house is cleaner than when he left for school this morning, if theres mess he suggest we clean up.

my plan is as he grows he makes dinner once or twice a week for the family, help with meal planning, do own laundry and put it away.

I understand wanting to make their life easier but also they have to learn to think and notice what needs to be done not just throw stuff around mindlessly and the house fairy to pick after them. the complaints most women have are around having to think about all the stuff that needs doing and you’re taking that away from your kids.

When they are 40 and you are older (say 70) if your sons let you do chores while they sit around I would think very very very badly of them. I would think they were entitled spoiled men who had no respect for their mum.

It depends what you do for them. My adult DS called me today to let me know that the dispute negotiation skills I taught him as a teen paid off today in getting his flat deposit back. They both clearly remember me taking them to Game to negotiate a replacement for a second hand playstation and explaining how I would approach it and why. You need to think about how your help will make them successful as adults.

You are not preparing them for adult independence. How do you think they are going to manage the demands of earning a living and general adulting if you don't support them towards that goal.

Responsibilities generally increase with age so they need to become proficient at the basics now before they have to deal with the more serious challenges life throws at them. No one needs to be 25, working long hours and stressed because they don't know how to do laundry.

I think you do it because you want to feel needed, a future partner probably won't feel quite as enthusiastic about their domestic incompetence. Stop justifying what you're doing and help them develop essential life skills.

I get where you are coming from and in some respects I feel the same sometimes although mine are only early teen and tween.
The thing is one of our most important jobs as a parent is to give them the gift of independence. Sure that means you have to have a secure and loving childhood, but alongside this nurturing and encouraging independence is paramount. This goes against the feeling of babying and Molly coddling them. You literally have to push them into independence if their personality isn’t that way.
YOU might like doing all this stuff for them, but it’s not what they need as late teens IMO. Being a parent is hard and you have to let go and push them out of the nest and encourage them to fly without you, no matter how hard that is for you.

There's no point in you telling them.that women aren't skivvies if you act as their skivvy.
Actions speak louder than words.
Their MH wont be affected if you make them do laundry.

You haven't actually clarified how you are babying them.
In general doing too much for them at this age is not going to help them long term, perhaps you have some unresolved issues about your own upbringing that are clouding your judgement, maybe speak to a therapist.

Do you have an independent identity that's not "Mum"?
Because that's the other side of allowing them to develop their independence, you need to rediscover yours too.

If I tell them (as I am) that a relationship is equal and chores are to be split individually, then is it ok for me still to look after them while I can?

Not really, no. You're saying one thing but your actions prove you don't mean it.

Can you reframe it in your head as looking after them by teaching them - through repetition and active participation - how to look after themselves?

Can they do it themselves? Can they cook, clean, change their bedding, use a washing machine, hoover, change a lightbulb etc? Do they know how often things need doing and where the materials are kept?

If they know how and when and where but you enjoy doing it then I won't judge but I do judge people not teaching their children how to take care of themselves ready for when they have their own home or for times they need to help in their parents home while living there.

It's our job to prepare our kids for the world, not shelter them from it.

As much as you say you're doing it for them, it sounds like you're doing it for yourself.

The best thing you can do to set them up for adult life is teach them how to look after themselves,

My MIL made sure all her kids could cook as well as she does, do laundry, basic sewing and manage their own admin. She still loves to look after them all now but they are not dependent on her or anyone else.

I do a lot for my DS. Unfortunately it is the very traditional things like laundry, cooking and cleaning up after him. However he does a lot for me, and its the only way I can reciprocate. I have absolutely no fear this will make him a bad partner. He is capable of doing the things I do (they're not rocket science, are they?) and knows well the difference between a mum and a wife.

@IamFineIamFINE well you better be prepared to take them back when the mother of your grandchildren kicks their useless arse out the door.

I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood.

Research shows that kids who do chores have better MH than kids who don't.

www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Facts_for_Families/FFF-Guide/Chores_and_Children-125.aspx#:~:text=Children%20who%20do%20chores%20may,%2C%20adversity%2C%20and%20delayed%20gratification.

I do this for dds. 12 and 14.

I know it's no good but it's not worth the hassle.

They do absolutely nothing for themselves.

I loved babying my teenage sons.

But the youngest turned out ferociously self-sufficient. Literally decided to do everything for himself years ago. Did his own washing from 14. Organised his own driving lessons, applied for passport renewal, did all his own university bollocks - UCAS applications, organised student finance, accommodation etc. He's 19 now. He's a man. He has a girlfriend and he takes really good care of her.

My 21 year old is severely ill so he needs me and I do everything I can to help him. My dream would be for all my children to be really independent but it won't happen as my middle son still needs me.

Stop babying them and let them be the young men they now are. It sounds as though you take pleasure in being of service to them, could you redirect that need for validation/duty into something more fruitful, like helping a charity? When they go out in the world they need to be equipped with skills to get on with things on their own and be an attractive mate for a good woman (who doesn't just want to be a replacement mother!).

Mine have some jobs they are responsible for, they're expected to keep their rooms reasonable, change their bedding, bring their washing down, feed themselves if I can't be bothered to cook - all the basics. I've shown them how to use the washing machine, I nag them to clean the toilet after themselves and put their dirty plates in the dishwasher etc. Each thing has been devolved to them as they get old enough to do it.

Outside of Term Time, I also expect each of them to cook dinner for all of us once a week - this is something that gives them the experience they'll need when they live independently - so I'll push them to try and cook something new sometimes (and be there, but not interfere unless something dangerous is happening), and encourage a bit more housework from them.

I hope I strike the balance fairly well. I know parents who do more, and parents who do less.

What do you do for them? What’s ’everything’?

tbh I suspect you are doing this more for you than you are for them. Don’t you look forward to a time when they are independent and you get your life back? I have two sons, 16 and 14, and I am certainly looking forward to them becoming independent.

would you do the same if you had daughters?

If you do anything on mumsnet then you are setting yourself up to be the hated MIL!

It's fine to spoil them, but make sure they have life skills too otherwise you might not get to be a MIL because they might not get taken off your hands.

Can they cook? Can they wash up? Can they do laundry? Can they clean a loo? Can they hoover? Can they mop? Can they wipe down the kitchen without being asked? Can they notice when the loo roll needs replacing? Can they put their dirty clothes in the laundry bin rather than all over the floor? Can they make a cup of tea? Can they make their own appointments? Can they buy their own underwear? Can they show appreciation? If yes, then fine to spoil them. If no, time to stop, teach them and give them a gentle push towards adulthood.