To baby my teenage sons?

I lived with several men in flat shares at uni whose mothers did everything for them.
They were perfectly nice and would never have ever told me it was my job to do household things because I was the girl.
But they also didn't do anything unless I asked them too.

Like they were unaware that a house needed cleaning or bins needed to be taken outside. The most they would do independently was laundry but several times it started snelling funny when they left in in the machine for 3 days etc.
It was so frustrating that they seemed oblivious to the need to contribute. And it wasn't like they couldn't do it, or wouldn't if I asked, they just had never factored the need to do it into their lives.
I get that the world is tough and if you can do things to make it easier on someone it does feel nice- but in the long run it just leaves as unitentionally lazy and entitled.
I just found them individually annoying at first but in 3rd year when I met the newest useless babied men I did start to feel their parents must also be to blame if so many of them were appearing in uni at an adult age whilst being so unprepared.

You are obviously are a loving and supportive Mum that your boys can trust and rely on for help when needed.

But are you also teaching them to manage the next stage of their lives? If they live alone they will need to clean their home and their clothes, feed themselves and manage money. If they live with a partner, they'll need to do their share of chores and cover their share of expenses, or risk causing stress and resentment to the person they love.
The danger with your approach is that the boys may come to equate a woman's love with her taking care of them like a child and doing all the domestic stuff. This can be a disaster especially once children have arrived, and cause resentment from DILs.

I have a friend who is like you, worries about everything and does everything for her kids. The eldest has now gone to uni and is struggling to cook, wash dishes, their room is upside down and they can’t book their own train tickets to get home. Do you really want that for your kids?

omg! My mum was like this with my brothers and as a result their wives have struggled alone with husbands who don’t see the tasks or opt not to do them.

This post is all about you and how you feel and what you get out of looking after them. This is your way of showing them love BUT it is disempowering and fails to facilitate knowledge about every day living skills. Parents have a duty to build their children’s home/community skills. From personal experience I can say it’s a nightmare living away from home for the first time with little know how.

Not necessarily (future hellish mil). You sound very like me to be honest. I did everything (willingly) for my boys. I have two boys and am a single parent and have definitely been a ‘smother’ at times. Luckily my eldest (22) is naturally capable at doing his laundry and cooking etc (lived on campus for 3 years) and my younger is now doing his own laundry etc as he is currently living on campus. I think the key is to make sure they’re not rude, spoilt lazy brats and show willing in some areas (like helping with the shopping etc, which mine would do).

I never did my own cooking or laundry when I lived at home but I just got on with those things once I left.

I agree. BIL really struggles because PIL do so much for him.

DH mam still does all the family laundry... she INSISTS, makes them work lunches, insists on babysitting, insist on buying stuff for the kids (new school coats etc...).

Then she martyrs herself about how shes dying of old age and how she can't keep up anymore but won't stop doing shit no one asked her to do.

Honestly its all a bit tedious and grates on me. I'm thankful for help when we need help (rarely ever asked for and usually that when suddenly they can't do anything) but shes a victim of herself not us and I hate the passive aggressive 'blaming' for her own choices in life.

I've got a cousin in his late 50s who knows how to do bugger all and has never worked because he was overindulged by his late mother to a ridiculous extent. When his father dies it is going to be an utter nightmare to sort out for his poor sisters, who have had it hanging over them for decades.

So bloody wrong. 😡

You felt neglected by your DPs but you're making the same mistake they did, only in reverse. They're not babies, and no matter how much you think you're being kind, you're not. Your sons need to learn to be a good partner, not a spoilt man child who expects his wife or partner to pander to him. Do you want your DS's to be happy or do you want to tie them to you forever?

Why do you think it is right that their dad makes them do chores but you don’t have to?

If you had daughters would you have a different attitude @IamFineIamFINE

I want to try and alleviate some of the stress that comes with both teenage years and adulthood.

See op I used to think this but then I realised it was me putting them in my shoes- when I do stuff for them it’s because I’m thinking oh they’re so wrecked, they need a break, but they haven’t done the load I’ve done and actually will pick up whatever and do it in a second where I was picturing the exhausted trek because they’ve done the housework I’ve done! And they generally do it faster than me!

@IamFineIamFINE

what exactly are you doing for them Op?

Mil still likes to make a fuss over dh sometimes. He’s a responsible adult, who unrolls his socks before putting them in the laundry basket, and far more egalitarian than his df, so she did something right.

I think it’s more important than ever to teach our boys how to be good partners because there is no longer a religious, financial or social pressure to force women to remain in relationships that don’t improve their lives. And the financial and health costs of failure are significant. Relationship skills may prove to as valuable a commodity in determining life long wealth as exam grades.

It’s possible to nurture and cultivate skills at the same time. My mil managed it

Admittedly even they say at times I need to stop doing everything for them. but I want to.

Help that isn't wanted is a fine line into control, listen to them. You can talk about compromise and respect and pulling your weight until your blue in the face but if you aren't modelling it, you're wasting your breath.

They're teenagers, not children, and the relatiionship with offspring has to change over the course of it. They aren't your babies and they won't be in their 40s, steadfast babying is about what you want and need, not them.

I have a brother in his 20s who doesn’t know how to do laundry. Nuff said.

It really does sound like you're trying to keep them needing you as long as possible.

Could you use teaching them new skills as a way to build new connections with them. E.g. my oldest has always loved cooking with me and now he will make a special meal, he's proud of himself, I'm proud of him and we both get a beaut meal.

Would something like this be an option?

The jobs aren't divided because we are 'sexist'. I've explained already he does something I can't do, not because I'm a woman, simply because I don't have the skill set. He spends longer on that than I do on the chores. For illustrative purposes, imagine he was renovating the house for me in addition to working full time. Its not that, but something like that.

As a mum to two teenagers.... please stop!!!! Your sons will never learn how to be independent or look after themselves. You are doing them no favours at all

OP, stop it. You are doing neither them nor the world any favours. You are potentially/ quite possibly creating entitled, antisocial nightmares. At the very extreme end of the scale, if Putin's mother had stepped up instead of overindulging him, who knows how different the world would be? Reductio ad absurdum no doubt, but the point remains that how we bring up our children really matters.

There is a troubling whiff throughout your posts that if you had had daughters, you would have treated them differently. Is this the case? Have you ever thought about that? And if so, why?

The best thing you can do is teach them the things they need to know now rather than waiting until they move out. Teach them to cook a good meal, bake a cake, do laundry and other things to run a home. Make them self-sufficient and you will be doing them a huge favour.

I understand the impulse to take care of them and in know it comes from a good place but you’re really doing them no favours in the long run. God forbid if something were to happen to you and they suddenly had to learn to be adults on top of everything else.

You’ve fundamentally misunderstood the role of a parent - it’s not to make their life as stress-free as possible, it’s to make them ready to be able to live independently as a fully functioning adult. You’ve done your job wrong if you’re not setting them up for success! You’re doing them no favours OP.

You would still want to do their laundry into their 40s? That's not very attractive for future partners

Yes you're doing them no favours at all.

You won't listen though so just carry on teaching your sons no life skills.

GermanBite · Today 17:10 "The best thing you can do to set them up for adult life is teach them how to look after themselves,"

Exactly! That is your job as a parent, OP. You're not helping your sons by doing everything for them, you're failing them.