To baby my teenage sons?

I remember chatting to our vet once about training our puppy to be okay staying home, and she said she had endless amounts of conversations with people who said 'but the puppy gets so distressed when I leave them' and 'well I'm always home so it doesn't matter' and the vet has to explain that it does matter, because if the puppy ever has to go to the vets for a prolonged period, or the owner themselves is ever taken away for whatever reason, puppy is then MORE distressed because they then have to deal with an unsettling situation and ALSO separation anxiety as they never learnt the coping skills, so it's actually crueller to the dog and much more likely that 3 days separation due to a hospital stay would cause long lasting upset to the dog.
You need to give them the tools they need.

Growing up, there was a man down the road from me and his Mum did everything for him. He didn't ever have to lift a finger and didn't know how to, he never moved out because no girlfriend wanted to become his mummy. When his Mum died he was stuffed, he didn't know how to do anything. People tried to help but in the end he just couldn't cope with it all and ended his life.

That's not what I am saying is going to happen to your boys but you aren't doing them any favours. They've told you this, they've also said that you worry too much. They are gently telling you to back off, stop worrying and let them do things.

I think they are trying not to hurt your feelings.

I think you might need to get a life.

You are not preparing them for standing on their own two feet as adults, and doing them no favours long term. Teenagers (whatever sex) need to be able to contribute effort to chores, cooking, and look after their own clothes as they learn to fledge, "adult" and eventually leave the nest.
My MIL was a single mum working shifts and who raised 3 sons to cook, iron etc (in fact DH is better at both than me). One DBiL is a lazy selfish git with no sense of personal responsibility and has had a series of GFs mugs to wait on him hand and foot, but DH and DBiL2 are both practical hands on dads and husbands and are bringing their own DC up the same way. I know which I prefer!

I’m a psychotherapist and work in a university. Please please stop doing everything for your children. I know it’s incredibly hard to see them struggle or suffer but I can’t tell you how many people I support who have had breakdowns or made suicide attempts because the university life is way too overwhelming for them as they can’t look after themselves or cope with any difficulty. You can’t protect them forever and you are setting them up for a fall as you aren’t building resilience or independence in them.

you are also ignoring their emotional needs by dismissing what they are asking you to do and saying I know better which is psychologically damaging. Your needs are being put before theirs and you are ignoring their needs.

you will also be creating children with incredibly anxious attachment styles by telling them through your actions that they can’t cope without you in the world. You are not giving them space to learn they can do things without you. As adults they could then become very needy and clingy which will impact their adult relationships.

sorry to sound harsh and I don’t want to worry you but feel you need to recognise the impact of your behaviour. Of course it’s coming from a place of love but there is no getting away from the fact that I see how much damage this parental hour can do every day.

All I can say I'm happy to be old enough not to ever marry one of your sons.
Otherwise, everyone to their own.

5 year olds can take their plates to the dish washer.
Why do you want to be needed? My teen DS doesn't need me at all except for a bit of emotional support.
It's great! I am getting on with hobbies, friends, travel.

Always think of their future partners. People I know with husbands or boyfriends who expect things to be done for them become very hostile towards their MILs, this will affect your relationship with them as adults and possibly your grandchildren too.

The most incredulous post I ever read on here was from a Mum who did 100% of all her sons chores; washing, cleaning, ironing, cooking etc, they didn't lift a finger. However she was convinced they would start to do all of this this when they moved in on their own or with a girlfriend. They won't. They are used to being looked after and will expect that in the future.

@IamFineIamFINE when I was in uni I had a boyfriend who lived at home. Lovely guy, lovely family. He had a brother and his mum ran around him, brother (also over 18 at this stage) and dad like a blue arsed fly, all while working full time.

The first weekend I stayed over his mum made us some lunch and we ate it in the sitting room watching TV. After he finished his food, he went to put his plate on the floor for his mum to collect 😱😱 I hissed/whisper shouted to pick it up and put it in the dishwasher. He looked at me like I was insane. This 20 year old man seemed shocked that I thought it was wrong for his mother to be tidying up around him. So he tidied his plate. I had another go at him when he tried to laugh about me making a fuss and I could see the cogs start to turn a bit....

We didn't stay together, as with most uni couples. But we remained friends and he always thanked me for pulling him up on how he (and bro and dad) treated his mum, and really started taking initiative around the house. He loved her dearly, but as she never taught him that chores were his responsibility he just didn't think about it much at all.

Please don't put it on another woman to make your sons understand how life works!

I mean this kindly - you are failing your sons. As adults, we want to be the type of parents we needed (especially when our parents were neglectful, which I have also experienced so I can truly empathise), however our children are not us. We need to be the parents they need and in this case it's a parent who will love on them but that love will be providing for them and balancing that with setting them up to succeed in the world. They deserve to know how to wash their clothes, how to cook, etc..
It is a balance but it's very reasonable to expect them to help with the chores whilst living at home so they have the skills when they eventually move out.

Yes to the laziness with a mum wife.

“Well my mum managed to raise me as a single mum and she still ironed everything and had dinner ready every night with no help. “

Also just remember too if he has children, if he has never had to do anything your invites might be very lacking from him to come round and nill from from the dil for being an overbearing boundary stomper when you are there who she tolerates and rolls her eyes on your kind advice when you do actually get invites. Threads popping up about how her mil still butts in and folds his pants when she calls in uninvited.

If you want to alleviate some of the stress of adulthood then you need to train and support them as they learn, not do things for them. That is only going to cause additional stress.

By way of analogy would you rather a job where you were trained slowly and were shown by someone senior step by step what to do, or landed in it with no experience and dealing with peers criticising you for your lack of competence. Which scenario do you think would be more stressful and affect your self esteem more?

How would you feel in years to come when your “baby boys” come running home because their wives are divorcing their lazy arses because you did everything for them and they are now expecting her to do it all. Because however much you say that they won’t expect a partner to look after them like you do…THEY WILL!
You are NOT helping them you are actually doing damage to their future! So LISTEN to them and stop doing everything. It’s actual selfish to set them up to fail because YOU want to still treat them as babies, they are now grown up and need to learn to stand on their own two feet. There is nothing wrong with helping them, being supportive ect but it is a problem when they can’t/don’t do any domestic chores because that behaviour will continue when they look to move out.

How will you cope when they leave home?

YABU.

You should've seen the show my ex-MIL used to put on for my ex. She washed his clothes, made his food, got him drinks and never expected him to lift a finger. Even if he asked her not to do something, she would do it.

He was the laziest man I've ever met. In the years we were together he never once took it upon himself to do ANYTHING unprompted. If I went away for work he wouldn't eat for days, I'm being serious.

You need to stop doing this.

I still have the major ick from seeing how my 18 yo boyfriend was mollycoddled by his mum, about 35 years ago. She bought his underwear for him in the same style I think she chose when he was a toddler. 🤣

Regularly entered his bedroom to pick laundry and wash it, returning it ironed. Bought him all sorts of bizarre toiletries and products. Him and his younger brother were so pampered they basically got whatever they asked for.
The mum would serve them tinned spaghetti hoops (on it's own) at the dining table as if it was condon bleu cuisine. While I was offered nothing? They weren't poor, far from it.

I had been self sufficient since 14, cooking all my own meals and my mum gave me a budget for the week. We were bereaved and she was working so I had to step up. I guess it toughened me up a little bit. Not that I'd wish losing a parent at 13 on anyone.

Obviously this boy didn't know his arse from his elbow sex/relationship wise. When we moved in together he didn't clean the bathroom or kitchen once. He also ran away when a load of violent thugs started on us, leaving me to be punched in the face. A 6'2 18 year old. I was 15. 🙁

He was actually a nice enough guy really. But I thought his mum did him zero favours.

They are telling you to stop and you’re not listening.

This doesn’t bode well for the future and especially you as a future MIL. You’re stomping on their boundaries and you claim they will make you stop if they really wanted you to stop but the words are stop they have asked.

They need to be able to cook food and put the washing on and away and all those things they don’t need to be 24 first home and fucking up the washing and ironing holes into work shirts because they never made the mistakes and learnt as children.

OP, you've had loads of responses saying that you're doing your boys no favours but both of your updates say you will carry on. Why bother asking if you aren't interested in the replies?

I certainly wouldn't expect any partner to do it and would definitely give them a dressing down if they tried to shirk their responsibilities in a relationship.

If I tell them (as I am) that a relationship is equal and chores are to be split individually, then is it ok for me still to look after them while I can?

You’re telling them one thing and doing another. They aren’t going to magically change from doing nothing to pulling their weight on the day they move in with a partner. You are modelling a set up where the woman is performing ALL the domestic duties and the males of the house do nothing. It doesn’t matter a jot what you tell them, they will be living the very opposite day in, day out and that is what will be taking up camp in their subconscious.

My DS knew how to cook, clean, use the washing machine etc by the time he was 15/16. I’d still do nice things for him like cook his favourite meal on occasions or pick up treats from the supermarket. You don’t have to go from skivvying martyr to an ice queen, there is a middle ground.

If they’re telling you that they want independence then listen, or you’ll just come across as suffocating and overbearing. And teenage lads are usually lazy little toads, so if they’re offering to do chores then let them!

Ugh, no.

Your ADULT sons are almost literally begging you to stop, almost every response on this thread is telling you stop and you still think this is okay?!

Clearly you have significant trauma that needs to be addressed: please do this before you arrest your children's development and/or get in the way of their possible future relationships.

'Still doing their laundry in their 40s' - FFS.

Took his plate through for him from where?? Are you saying this lad doesn't serve himself his own food...or bring his own plate to the sink?! Lord above 🤦🏻‍♀️

You've reminded me of the repeat of Four in a bed that I was watching earlier today. One man marked a self-catering place down for facilities because he couldn't use a toaster or cook an egg. The equipment was there but it was no good to him because "I'm not a chef" and he had no idea what to do with the bread and eggs that had been provided for him. The fault was not with the facilities. He said that his wife does everything for him including making him coffee and toast. That is not a fully functioning adult. In fact, it's absolutely pathetic.

I’ll give you the feedback that both my husband & his brother have given over the years. They absolutely regret the way their mother babies them over the years, she didn’t expect them to do anything & loved doing it all for them. It’s caused major major issues for them both since they left home. Firstly his mum had a breakdown over her empty nest syndrome then she tried to insert herself into our lives so much so we had to take our spare keys off her because ‘she needed to feel needed’ & ‘wanted to help us out’ so she’d let herself in & do things in our homes which caused major arguments.

both boys didn’t have a clue what they needed to do to run a house & it fell into us women. It caused massive issues as we had to constantly tell them to do x & z etc because they’d never done it before we had to teach them. His brother & SIL never had kids because his brother (even though older is still too much hardwork for SIL, he can’t do anything without a list & step by step instructions). My husband is incredible now & more than pulls his weight but we nearly split up over it because I didn’t want to become his mum & teach him how to be an adult.

you’re not doing them any favours & both my husband & his brother wishes they were raised differently & how much easier it would have been if they were. We have two boys & my husband was determined that they were not going to be raised the way he was & we’ve made sure they know how to do everything around the house & make sure they do it

It’s a parents job to prepare their children for adulthood, which includes teaching them how to do their own laundry, cooking, clean etc. you’re doing them no favours.
I wouldn’t pursue a relationship with a man who had none of these skills, and yes, I would consider him to be a ‘ mummy’s boy ‘.