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Original poster

To think WFH means I am WORKING

108 replies

Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 13:24

I got a fully remote job about 7 months ago. It's amazing - I love it. They are really flexible and I use my breaks to do drop off/pick up for DD who is 2 and all in all it's working well. She has had the odd day sick where I've been able to work because she's just laid on the sofa all day.

BUT, my DH thinks I am sat here dossing around all day. He gets pissy when I haven't put a wash on in the day because I've been too busy (some days are really full on and I get 10 min to eat my lunch, others are quieter and I use 10 min to tidy up round the house).

Today is his day off with DD and he woke up feeling 'really really unwell', which means he's been bed ridden all morning. I had to beg him to just watch her for half hour this morning whilst I had a 1:1 with my manager, and then he asked if I could take her out for the morning so he could rest and just 'work from my mobile'. It's driving me insane. Why does he think my job is any less busy or important because I WFH now and how do I get it into his head that I'm not here twiddling my thumbs.

OP posts:
Cryingatthegym · 05/12/2024 14:45

My ex used to do this to me on his day off with the kids while I was WFH. Constantly interrupting me during meetings, asking me to watch them for half an hour while he went for a poo Hmm , accusing me of not caring about my children when I tried to put my foot down and work elsewhere. I couldn't do the same back to him because he was office based.

In my case it was indicative of a wider lack of respect for me and my boundaries and autonomy. In his eyes I was only functioning correctly when I was in 'obedient wife' mode. One of many reasons why I left him.

bigkidatheart · 05/12/2024 14:43

I was working 10.5hrs a day on phones in my bedroom for telecomms firm, had 2 x 10 min breaks and 30 mins for lunch. But,,,,,because i was 'at home', there was a very big expectation on me to have washing done, cleaning, get anyone's parcel's coming to the door, tea on or at least in the slow cooker, look after sick kids if they were off school, it drove me absolutely insane. He then used to come in from work, into the bedroom I was working in and get undressed, showered, opening and closing wardrobes and doors and gets changed and try to talk to me in the process.

I was more stressed by the expectation of well you are at home so,,,,,

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 05/12/2024 14:39

It's 2.30 - what time does the library close?

BoogieBoogieWoogie · 05/12/2024 14:33

JFDIYOLO · 05/12/2024 13:53

Your husband is sick.

You say you love your job and it's really flexible?

So test it. Take the day off and look after your own child.

So many threads here where husbands expect sick wives to carry all the childcare. It's equally wrong the other way round.

And for other days, I'd agree with suggestions to find a co working space where you're not considered default parent and can't be dumped on at short notice.

Edited

I agree with this. If he's bed ridden as you say, then you need to use a family leave day and look after your child

LostittoBostik · 05/12/2024 14:30

NotTerfNorCis · 05/12/2024 13:35

There's a big campaign against WFH in the right wing press. It encourages people to believe that working from home means not working. Ironically, the journalists churning out these articles almost certainly work from home.

Actually they mostly don't. The RW titles have all called their staff fully back to the office. And most of them are fuming about it.

The columnists who write one piece a week aren't staff, of course.

ThatTealViewer · 05/12/2024 14:28

Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 14:15

Honestly I don't know @ThatTealViewer. I was great at making sure everything was equal previously. I think when I started in this job it was more DH saying he was working late/starting early and I'd say oh I don't mind doing it today, and then we found ourselves here with me just doing it all. It's not on, I know that.

You’re a kind and loving person in a relationship, who approaches things as a partner should - you want to lighten his load and help when and where you can. He clearly isn’t approaching things in the same manner. So, unfortunately, you need to assert yourself, state boundaries and refuse to accept this nonsense anymore. The situation isn’t going to naturally resolve itself.

Original poster
Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 14:15

Honestly I don't know @ThatTealViewer. I was great at making sure everything was equal previously. I think when I started in this job it was more DH saying he was working late/starting early and I'd say oh I don't mind doing it today, and then we found ourselves here with me just doing it all. It's not on, I know that.

OP posts:
boulevardofbrokendreamss · 05/12/2024 14:15

You need to stamp this out. Mum mum was like then when I first started WFH which was years before Covid. She ring the doorbell and want to come in for a coffee and a chat or she'd call me to go and met her at the coffee shop. Drove me mad. She finally got the message.

Cakeandusername · 05/12/2024 14:11

He sounds like he’s trying to sabotage you - of all the times not to have a toddler there it’s during 1-1 with manager. Library is a good shout.
Definitely look at what you do v him. Eg if he was doing some drop offs you could presumably put washing on in that 8-9 slot etc.

cooldarkroom · 05/12/2024 14:09

What if you said, Its like you telling him taking DC to work? Its an obvious big No.

Def go to the library next week.
Tell him as he finds it acceptable to pass you the child care even though you are working a full time job, you have unfortunately got to remove yourself from the house, to be able to meet their requirements.

ThatTealViewer · 05/12/2024 14:08

Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 14:07

I have thought about going back to the office. The bug bear is when we both worked in offices, we split everything 50/50 - drop offs, pick ups, sick days and it felt really equal, then it started to all fall to me when I got the new job. Maybe I need to push back on that now I'm settled into the role and get him to pick up his end again.

Of course you need to push back.

I never really understand threads like this. Your DH is being hugely unreasonable, and you’re fully aware of it. Yet, you just seem to be tolerating it, as opposed to categorically stating to him what you’ve said here. Why is that?

Original poster
Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 14:07

I have thought about going back to the office. The bug bear is when we both worked in offices, we split everything 50/50 - drop offs, pick ups, sick days and it felt really equal, then it started to all fall to me when I got the new job. Maybe I need to push back on that now I'm settled into the role and get him to pick up his end again.

OP posts:
TequilaNights · 05/12/2024 14:02

Tell him because of his attitude to you working from home you have no choice but to return to the office, and start getting quotes from nursery's/childminders

Brefugee · 05/12/2024 14:00

Sometimes I have debated going to the library on a Thursday just so I'm not available..

I'd do that, tbh

Original poster
Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 13:58

@JFDIYOLO - I do plenty of childcare. All drops offs/pick ups and when DD is sick. (Once when I also had norovirus and DH couldn't take the day off). Trust me when I say he is not that poorly and I certainly don't expect him to carry the childcare 😂just to at least lay on the sofa in the same room as her whilst she watches cbeebies if necessary whilst I do my 1:1.

OP posts:
MrRobinsonsQuango · 05/12/2024 13:55

JFDIYOLO · 05/12/2024 13:53

Your husband is sick.

You say you love your job and it's really flexible?

So test it. Take the day off and look after your own child.

So many threads here where husbands expect sick wives to carry all the childcare. It's equally wrong the other way round.

And for other days, I'd agree with suggestions to find a co working space where you're not considered default parent and can't be dumped on at short notice.

Edited

She said everyone is as sick as each other so why would she be the one doing the childcare?!

JFDIYOLO · 05/12/2024 13:53

Your husband is sick.

You say you love your job and it's really flexible?

So test it. Take the day off and look after your own child.

So many threads here where husbands expect sick wives to carry all the childcare. It's equally wrong the other way round.

And for other days, I'd agree with suggestions to find a co working space where you're not considered default parent and can't be dumped on at short notice.

Delorian · 05/12/2024 13:52

Yes get out of the house if you can. If not, loop earplugs in, door locked and say you're on calls all day.

Original poster
Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 13:50

I used to work a 45 min commute away and was out of the house from 7am - 6pm when he watched DD alone. I honestly don't know how he managed it looking back. Next week I'm going to go to the library and have a nice quiet lunch alone..

OP posts:
Echobelly · 05/12/2024 13:49

NotTerfNorCis · 05/12/2024 13:35

There's a big campaign against WFH in the right wing press. It encourages people to believe that working from home means not working. Ironically, the journalists churning out these articles almost certainly work from home.

Yes, honestly those articles sound like a bunch of red-faced old men grumbling that no one wears a suit and tie anymore, which is equally irrelevant as to how hard people are working.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 05/12/2024 13:47

Take yourself off to the Cafe or Library but make it very clear to him its because he is being an arse while you are trying to work.

Jagoda · 05/12/2024 13:46

Cross post. Do it. Go to the library on Thursdays.

Jagoda · 05/12/2024 13:45

I would have told him if he was too sick to undertake scheduled childcare, he should arrange an alternative.

Or taken myself off to a cafe with WiFi and left him to it.

Original poster
Bounty9 · 05/12/2024 13:44

Thank you - I do have a home office, so I do try and lock myself away in there on Thursday's when he's off with her as he will inevitably say 'oh can you watch her for half hour whilst I do XYZ...' - a few weeks ago he said 'oh shall I book my car in for it's service on Thurs, would you mind watching her for the morning whilst I took it in?' which I think is why today pushed me over the edge. He's poorly but we all are at the moment, and I don't think he's any worse than the rest of us.

I think because I'm not sat on back to back calls he thinks I'm not doing anything. He works in retail and obviously it's completely different to my role, so I just don't think he understands. Sometimes I have debated going to the library on a Thursday just so I'm not available..

OP posts:
khaitai · 05/12/2024 13:44

YANBU but I was shocked reading a thread on here recently about WFH. The things people said they were doing during the day included making pies, going for an afternoon swim and "watching daytime TV in the background"!