Smelly and toxic

I don’t know if it will help, or whether you have already considered this, but a friend’s son hates the foaming sensation of toothpaste so they have bought something for him that doesn’t foam so much (or at all?) and doesn’t have a strong mint taste. It made a massive difference.

Are you washing your clothes regularly? That can make a big difference too.

I’m autistic and one of the things I can’t stand is bad smelling people (and bad smells in general). I have a visceral reaction to it and can’t be around smelly people as a result. I am always clean and cannot stand to be dirty.

I really think you need to focus more on your personal hygiene.

I'd get rid of the husband, for sure.
However please could I make the point that many people with autism are actually fastidious in matters of hygiene. My son spends ages showering, cleaning his teeth etc. He can't bear sweat, the smell of sweat or bodily fluids. He seems to be like a bloodhound when it comes to odours.

OP have you tried different tooth pastes? Oranurse doesn’t have a flavour and doesn’t foam.

Leave.

I doubt you are as smelly as they say. Take more regular showers and make sure you are wearing clean clothes and have fresh bedding/towels.

This .

have steps to improve yourself, one of which is to get rid of the nasty partner.

you need some objective advice. Make an appointment with your GP practice or your consultant at the hospital be open and honest about the problem they will have seen it before and they will be able to give you advice and strategies.

OP there are two separate issues here, and you need to think of them separately. You have acknowledged that your hygiene is not what it should be. It doesn't matter if your partner acknowledges the changes or not, you need to do something about it for your own sake and your son. Find out if there is help or support available for this. The second issue is your husband - he is emotionally abusive, you deserve better and so does your son.

Your partner is rude and I suspect that maybe if you get rid of them and their toxic comments your mental health might improve and your personal hygiene would also improve.

Try not to use your autism as a reason not to wash regularly and brush your teeth-because tooth ache hurts like hell. I have 2 autistic children and getting one of them to shower was difficult until I learned he liked it hotter than our shower was set at-I’m not saying that would help you but maybe play with the settings on your shower.

Get rid of the OH though-they don’t sound good for you. Work on yourself.

You have 2 issues. Both you can fix.

First get rid of the abusive partner (if they did say what you say they did in the manner you report).
Second get a daily hygiene routine going. Shower or bath daily, brush your teeth twice a day, use deodorant, keep your facial hair tidy or clean shaven.

It is horrible living with a partner with no mind for their personal hygiene but that doesn't excuse them being abusive to you.

I'm autistic,I've always struggled with showering...I like the actual shower and warm water .it's the getting out wet and dripping,that I don't like and I can never get dry enough and then feel cold and damp all day .
Anyway I got round it ,by killing two birds with one stone
I go swimming every morning for exercise and obviously then need a shower and hair wash to get rid of the chlorine..
My eldest son ,has one shower a year if we are lucky ,I change his clothes when I can get to them , bizarrely he doesn't smell
I suspect your husband is gaslighting you into thinking you smell when you don't

Your partner should never call you names. That is abusive and not okay.

But, I am repulsed by poor hygiene and would not go anywhere near my DH if he isn't showering and having proper hygiene.

My DH is neurodiverse and struggles with self care and often needs to be reminded to do things... But he responds with humility and jumps in the shower because he prioritises our relationship and understands smelling bad is unpleasant to be around.

You need to start a routine and stick to it, regardless of whether you stay with your partner. Be a good example for your child and show him that even though it is hard, it needs to be done.

They also do great incontinence supplies for men now, that will greatly help any smells.

Edit, sorry OP I didn't see your update. You answered some of the things I said.

I will say, I am repulsed by the knowledge someone may not be clean... It isn't just about smell. It is about good hygiene. You can be dirty and not smell. Also maybe past partners were being kind... Maybe it has got worse as you have aged. You need to want to do this for yourself and your child.

It sounds like you’re being emotionally abused. No one should be calling you names. I’m worried about your son too, is it his mother saying these things? Does she call him names as well?

OP, your partner is abusive. Regardless of the circumstances, you and your child do not deserve to be spoken to like that. Please leave this person.

However, you have been asked multiple times if you and DC are showering, brushing your teeth and wearing clean clothes daily. As you’re choosing not to answer, I’m assuming the answer is no? If so, there really isn’t any point asking your friends for their opinions on your hygiene - you know it’s bad. If you’d like resources to help you with it, I’m sure there are commenters who can help.

Your partner sounds abusive and awful. Even if they think you have an issue with aspects of personal hygeine the way they are expressing themselves is totally unacceptable.

Do you or can you shower daily?

Do you or can you change your clothes daily?

Do you or can you brush your teeth twice a day?

Can you wear incontinence protection?

Can you ensure the same for your child?
How old is your child?

So easy for non ND/MH issue people to say.

No body is the way they are from laziness or stupidness, we need to get away from the idea that disabled people should 'just' conform to the able lifestyle as if its just so 'easy' and why haven't they bothered to think of that.

For the record nobody need to shower daily, in fact with some medical issues it can worsen them.

I do agree with dumping the partner though.

Your OH is abusing you horribly..you are not toxic they are! I'm sorry you are in this situation and it seems divorce is a good idea

Your OH is abusing you horribly..you are not toxic they are! I'm sorry you are in this situation and it seems divorce is a good idea

Have you any friends or anyone else you could ask if they've noticed any issues with your personal hygiene? Has your ds school raised any issues with you about his personal hygiene?

You say you both have issues around self care but can you elaborate a little on this to help us to understand what you mean by that? For example, how often do you shower or use deodorant or brush your teeth?

I wash my armpits and groin every single morning in the shower with warm water and soap and put deodorant on every morning. I wash my hair twice a week and I brush my teeth morning and night every day. As long as you are doing that, then your self care is fine.

The issues around incontinence I think would warrant speaking to your gp about to see if there's anything more that can be done to help resolve that. I'd wear an incontinence pad and change it every few hours or as you need to and bring some wet wipes out in your bag with you so you can give your bits a quick freshen up when you change your pad. I would wear fresh underwear and socks every day, tops and jumpers twice as long as they don't look or smell dirty and jeans for a week or two as long as I've not spilled on them. I change my pyjamas every 3/4 days.

I also would ask your son to have similar standards for his hygiene.

I would also leave your husband. He sounds abusive. Calling you a 'disgusting pig' is emotional abuse. And the reason why I'm suggesting that you ask someone else about your personal hygiene is that he could possibly be gaslighting you. Sometimes when we've grown up with abusive adults, our standards of what's acceptable can get a little skewed. Maybe your husband is better than your Step father, but that doesn't mean he's not still abusive. He also doesn't have a right to how you process your feelings or what you choose to share online.

You've been through so much, OP, you deserve happiness now.

Your partner sounds like an abusive bully and there's no excuse for such cruelty to you let alone your son so the only advice on managing that is kick the miserable fucker out.

With regards your personal hygiene , it honestly could just be a way to control & abuse you and you might not smell at all (if they say you smell after a bath this is quite likely!) but do consider your routine. Are you & your son:
Washing with soap daily fully cleaning underarms, feet, groin area
Wearing clean clothes
Cleaning your teeth
for leakage, wearing incontinence pads & changing regularly throughout the day.

Do you have anyone else you could discreetly ask for an honest opinion? If your son smells as bad as your partner suggests, I'd be amazed if school haven't flagged as a safeguarding issue.

Also what's your diet like as a bad diet can contribute to odour and if your overweight you may sweat more than agárrate which also contributes