Smelly and toxic

The fact that you're a man and your wife is the one complaining about your hygiene makes no difference - or shouldn't.

I appreciate you struggle with this issue due to your autism, but it really is revolting to be around someone with such poor personal hygiene as you have described. Your son struggles with it too so she gets a double whammy looking after him as well.

YOU are responsible for your hygiene and you ought to be helping your son with his too, as well as your wife.

If you cannot get to grips with this she may prefer to live away from you. Doesn't that prospect spur you into tackling this and making yourself clean every single day? She may still not want intimacy if her feelings have changed, but she may not then leave you.

Or would you rather live alone?

OP is male

Try this on for size. You do not smell. Your husband says you smell because he wants you to be unhappy and on edge. He doesn't want you making friends or acquaintances because that might lessen his influence over you. He wants you miserable, with a tiny life which is centred on him. He is lying about your smell. This is a very common tactic indeed ~ look it up. All the best to you and your son.

I'd say that the thing that smells, or rather stinks, is your partners attitude. They don't sound un the least bit helpful, kind or considerate. If you 'repulse' them so much, why have they stayed?

Regarding hygiene, there may or may not be things you are not doing but if there are sensory issues, it's going to be more difficult. I sometimes gag when cleaning my teeth and it can take a bit of mental strength to carry on.
I wonder if you could use the chewable toothpaste tablets and maybe a waterpik?
The bladder issues are more complex- I don't know if there is any medication that could help, but incontinence pads sound useful.

Why are you together?
A partner is supposed to enjoy your company and be your biggest supporter in life surely? Not to make you feel disgusting!

If you felt happier then from what you are saying you would have better hygiene as your self esteem would be better?

If you don't shower regularly then you smell. There is no 'I'm not sure if I smell' about it. As you use incontinence pads, you probably smell really badly, since you don't shower regularly. If you don't brush your teeth, your breath will smell terrible.

Your partner may be abusive, or may just be at the end of their tether with your awful hygiene. I would find it horrendous and could not be in a relationship or share a space at all with someone who smells like you absolutely must do. If I worked with you, I would complain about you and wouldn't be in the same room as you. I'm not trying to be mean. A lot of posters are criticising your partner, but it took you a while to actually acknowledge that you don't shower or brush your teeth and you still haven't said how often you shower or bathe. It will be affecting all of your relationships. I'm being straight with you because it's not right just to blame your partner and have all of these posters saying you probably don't smell that bad. You do. You have a problem.

There's 2 issues here. Your partner is being abusive, or at very best, unkind. You also have hygiene problems.

With regards to your partner, you should consider whether leaving her would make your life (and hygiene) better.

With regards to the hygiene, you absolutely need to do better. I understand you have sensory problems but you really need to shower daily and brush your teeth twice a day. If you have incontinence problems and aren't showering daily, I think that your smell must be quite bad. Bad breath is also extremely unpleasant.

I know you don't like doing it but you need to understand that the smells you may be inflicting on other people are likely to be very unpleasant. I don't just mean your partner but anyone who comes in contact with you at work, in a shop, on public transport etc.

When you bathe, are you just sitting in the bath/showe getting wet or are you cleaning yourself properly?

You should look into different types/flavours of toothpaste and try and find something that upsets you the least.

You need to address your hygiene regardless of if you decide to stay with your partner. You also need to work hard and making sure your child's hygiene is looked after too.

I hope things get better for you.

I think op I would ask a trusted friend who you know will tell you honestly and who you think has pretty good standards for themselves in terms of hygiene. That's one issue.

The other is the way your wife is speaking to you. It's abusive and unacceptable to use derogatory names and insults towards you. She may get frustrated with a difference in levels of cleaning or self care but that doesn't give the excuse to abuse.

Do you feel happy in your relationship? Is it a relationship that you want to continue?

OP without doubt the toxic person here is your partner, and they reek of bully, too. I don't know if you are in fact smelly, but I could easily imagine that you aren't at all and they use your insecurities against you.

To me this sounds like an LTB situation. I wouldn't talk like your partner talks to you to the doctor who fouled up my child's treatment. Your 'partner' isn't on your side, but that's a minimum requirement for a partner.

It may be she has reached the end of her tether with it and with your lack of response to what she's been trying to tell you subtly for some time.

And now because she may not be feeling at all heard, she's finally reached the blunt speaking stage - and you've only now noticed and are reacting to what she's been hinting at all along.

Time to change your attitude to personal hygiene.

This stuff matters.

There has been sensible practical advice here which will all help.

Time to do something about it.

Seek advice and help from child's school, your GP and dentist. Follow the hygiene advice. Check out the mattress etc as suggested before.

This is a hard one because it does seem from what you say, that the feedback about your hygiene could be valid even if said insensitively. And it might be that your child is picking up your habits and your wife is struggling to cope with that. It’s one thing if it’s just impacting you, it’s another if it’s impacting the kids too.

The thing is that it could be your clothes, hair, bedding etc that carries your smell as well. So unless you’re washing absolutely everything, the smell may be retained elsewhere even if you have just washed yourself. If you’re having bladder problems, your mattress could even be soaked previously and retaining the smell for example. So I don’t think she’s necessarily exaggerating.

Another aspect is if you don’t regularly brush your teeth, you can get tonsil stones, bleeding gums, general oral issues which may make your breath smell even on the days you did brush your teeth (which doesn’t seem often). You might need to visit the dentist.

Personally I do think this relationship has probably run its course. She’s likely not going to be able to move past this, and it seems neither will you. You both have fundamentally different ways of living.

I do think it’s in your best interests to improve your hygiene regardless of what happens though - it’s your own benefit as opposed to anyone else.

It sounds like your OH is chipping away at your self-esteem and self-worth, and has been doing for a long time.
Maybe talking through what you're experiencing would help. This is a fantastic charity:
https://mankind.org.uk/

I’ve now seen that comment.

If you’re not brushing your teeth and changing your clothes on a daily basis, and bathing at least every other day, then you probably do smell. There are steps you can take to make daily hygiene more manageable for yourself. I’d recommend starting a new thread asking for suggestions. People can be fantastically helpful with they sort of thing on MN. It really is a great resource (nest of vipers though we are).

Regardless of the above, your partner’s treatment of you is unacceptable and abusive.

@Jumell Why on earth would you quote the entire post? You were the first person to post and even if you weren’t there’s no need.

For your child - Please ask your child's school asap if they've noticed anything at all. I imagine they're very attuned to this sort of thing and are used to advising? If they say nothing is amiss, I'd believe them.

But if they say yes, take their advice. It will only be helpful to your child, making friends, etc.

For you - Am I right that you're both men? I can only say that for many women, a smell can be very off-putting socially, romantically, sexually. So it may well be for men too.

Your GP/dentist might be able to help for a general health checkup and some frank feedback. My dental hygienist tells it like it is if I need anything sorting. And as you've had bladder cancer, perhaps something might need investigating and treating? And again, if they say there's nothing - believe them.

And in both cases, I'd be wondering what was going on with your partner and the relationship for them to say this.

It may not be you that's the problem.

Re the family - try to access some therapy for survivors of abusive family history. This is definitely them, not you.

Once you're on top of all that - start looking outwards, hobbies, activities, friends.

Can you genuinely not see that your partner is abusive?

You really, really need to end this relationship.

Leave.

This sounds like utter hell.

Get out while you still can.

If you are having a good soapy and bath or shower daily, it's unlikely you smell.

Regardless of what you smell like, your OH is making you miserable and it’s not worth living the rest of your life unhappy.

So sorry that you are in a relationship with a full on abusive twat. It seems to me like he is using you as a verbal punch bag and is eroding your self esteem as he goes. If I was in your shoes I'd be filing for divorce asap because you deserve way better than this abusive arsehole 💐

I agree with this ! x

A caring partner would you down and say they were having difficulty with the smell and how could they help you solve it together? Not abusing you and shunning you.

I agree with pps who suggest asking someone else who you trust to be honest about it to properly assess how much of a problem it is, if indeed it is at all.

Your partner is horrible. But if you don't bathe on a daily basis at least once and brush teeth/floss twice then you probably will be smelly.
I'd say making sure you shower for at least 5 minutes, scrub well with a loofah, and wear decent deodorant you'll feel more confident.
But I'd say your relationship is beyond saving. You should probably split up. Keep yourself clean for you and your loved ones. Your partner is not a loved one. Not any more at least.
If you do have excessive sweating you can see the GP. There is also medicine that helps you not pee in the night. I hope things improve for you.