Smelly and toxic

Exactly this.

I very much doubt what he says is true,it's his way of trying to control you and shatter any confidence you have left it's a classic sign of a narcissist bully.

Hope you can get out of this situation you deserve so much better.

@ByBusyTiger The bad hygiene isn't caused by the partner or the situation. It is caused by the OP not wanting to wash because of his autism/sensory issues. He's not going to start washing more if he leaves his partner. It will be the opposite. He only washes as much as he does now because he's being coerced into it. You aren't doing him any favours by telling him that his bad hygiene is not his fault. Their son is following in his father's footsteps. His mother likely faces a daily battle to try get him to wash. Can you imagine how exasperating and frustrating it must be to face that with no support from your partner because he is exactly the same? I'm sure there are many reasons why she hasn't left. A big one will be the child with significant needs.

Yes, it has become abusive but that doesn't mean it always was or that that is the underlying reason for the problem.

The hygiene issue has always been there. It predated the partner. He said he's always been the same.

He's autistic. It will always be there.

He didn't say he missed a shower every other day. People don't smell from showering every other day under normal circumstances.

My son showered every few days at home but didn't do it properly, so he still wasn't clean and still smelt. He would brush his teeth but they were still dirty. I still had to go in the bathroom and wash his hair for him when he was 13 because he couldn't actually do it himself. I don't know how he managed it but he'd come out and his hair would be wet, he still had shampoo in parts of it, and it still smelt greasy. The only way he could brush his teeth properly was to use disclosing tablets every time he brushed and brush until the purple had all gone. The OP could shower every day, and still not be clean if it's not done properly.

Of course there is no excuse for unkindness and cruelty but telling him he doesn't smell, and offering meanngless platitudes and empty reassurances won't help either.

Don’t agree. Yes it’s normal for a partner to need hygiene but this is abusive. If it’s such a problem, you leave, you don’t wear someone’s self esteem down to the point that they are obsessing about it and don’t even know whether they smell!

Tell me, does the child deserve it too?

Missing brushing their teeth and a shower every other day (which is what I picked up from it) would never equal someone smelling so bad that a person is allowed to abuse them and their child.

Even if a person was in such a sorry state (homeless, no bathing) it still would never excuse cruelty. I don’t know how bad it is, but the partner is sick. I want OP to know it’s very normal to suffer depression whilst being abused. If there is an issue, it can be fixed when the real hygiene problem (the partner) is removed

The OP is male. The OH is female.

You will find your hygiene improve naturally when you aren’t being abused. It sounds like depression (very normal)

In ND people, it's usually a sensory issue or an executive function issue.

He says he's always had an issue with personal hygiene. His partner should be more supportive but pretending that he doesn't have an issue or that dumping his wife will miraculously cure the executive function/sensory issues is a bit far fetched.

It's also natural to be put off by some else's poor personal hygiene. It's primal.

This has been going on for a long time. I agree the relationship has broken down but I don't think it's because one person is an abuser. I think a series of events and circumstances has led them to where they are now.

The natural conclusion of him being repulsed by you is seeking sexual gratification elsewhere!

Why are you staying with someone who cares not one bit about you and is putting the boot in and abusing you?

Your child will quickly learn to do the same and over time you will become a nervous wreck.

Stand tall and tell this nasty little man that you are ending the relationship as you don't want to be with anyone who is repulsed by you.

He watch him squirm as he's obviously staying with you for a reason even if it's just some sick and twisted reason that he feels an element of power by bullying you.

The OP has said he doesn't shower or wash regularly. I have an ND child (now adult) and personal hygiene/self care can he really difficult and easy to just completely forget. He also smelt badly. He's a lot better now but I do still, on occasion, have to remind him when he visits.

I can understand you want to be compassionate but why would you tell him that he doesn't smell when the conditions and behaviours he describes almost certainly mean that he does?

I’d imagine having autism, bladder cancer and a ‘partner’ who kicks them every moment relentlessly for years has something to do it. It’s now become an issue (what a cruel bastard that person is)

OP, get out of there. You will find your hygiene improve naturally when you aren’t being abused. It sounds like depression (very normal)

Your DP is highly abusive. You probably didn't notice at first as you had an abusive step father and so abusive relationships can seem normal. He is undermining your confidence. Have a quick shower every day. Apply deodorant. Change your clothes and wash them. You are fine. He is an abusive bastard. I hope you are in a position to leave him. I think your life would improve massively.

I bet you don’t even smell. First, you need to tell someone who cares about you what’s happening. Ask for their honest opinion on your hygiene, tell them why they need to be brutally honest.

You’ll see that this person you’re with is just bad. Evil narcissist or other personality disorder most likely.

The true tell is that they do it to both of you. Unless you never wash, that’s pure hatred, they’re projecting their own self hatred and resentment to you.

Male or female, the person you’re with is bad news. Even if you had depression and hygiene dropped (understandable from being with an abuser) it’s still not normal for your partner to do this to you. This will never be normal.

Your post makes me so sad. You don’t smell, you live with a toxic man who is the same as your stepfather. Look up daughters of narcissists, how they behave, the men they go for. Do not waste any more time. Dump this man and take everything you can from him.

Leave him today and start living. Even after bladder cancer the man keeps going. I’m not even going to say what I wish upon such a filth of a person

You’re being abused. Your son is being abused. If you have issues with self care it’s probably because you have a pig telling abusing you daily

It is also demoralising having to beg your partner to wash and brush their teeth. It is demoralising to know that your partner doesn't care how their stink affects you. It is demoralising to know that your friends and family probably talk about your partner smelling of stale piss. It's not just about the lack of respect you have for yourself, it is also the lack of respect you have for your partner. Your OH sounds completely fed up. They've probably been trying for years to get you to address this issue, but it's only getting worse now with the incontinence. And now your son is repeating the same pattern of behavior. Washing daily should be non-negotiable when you live with other people. Parents are responsible for teaching their children proper hygiene habits. This is impossible to do when one parent blatently does the opposite. You are failing your son here. Lead by example.

You seem to have associated being clean and smelling good with getting sex. And that if you aren't getting it why should you bother.

You have a wife, a child and a reputation. Friends, colleagues, people you casually interact with. And you have your self respect.

Switching on the shower, using shampoo, soap and a flannel, toothpaste and mouthwash and a deodorant is not that hard. Build the habits so it becomes second nature and stop blaming her for her reaction to your choices.

OH has really demoralised me and actually makes it much harder to be cleaner, since when I am clean it doesn't make any difference to them. So, I do make the effort, but could try harder, it’s just that making an effort doesn't make any difference to them. It has been more than five years now that they refuse any intimacy with me, whether I ham clean or not

It is completely unacceptable to expect sex when you know full well that you smell. I’m astonished you think she should tolerate that. Your poor wife.

I divorced my exh due to this issue. I would have to nag him into having a shower and when he did, he expected sex. Is that what you mean when you say it doesn’t make a difference to her?

It is not abusive to refuse sex with someone who stinks.

Who’s right or wrong is irrelevant.

What matters is that this relationship isn’t healthy and is making everyone in your house unhappy.

@largelyinnocent you do need to address your hygiene problems for your own health. We stay clean not just to please others, but also to avoid infections and illness.

Do the best thing for all of you and separate. ❤️

Sixpence39

You surely haven't read all the OP'S posts?

Your partner sounds awful! They should be supporting you to deal with trauma around your step father and should be helping you and child with hygiene needs if it is actually a problem. However it sounds like maybe your hygiene isn't so bad and they're using it to gaslight and control you. You deserve better! Please look after yourself and your child ❤️ that might mean leaving this cruel person.

Poor personal hygiene is a frequent topic of 'I've got the ick' threads here.

And the OP at their wits' end with their partner's attitude and unfortunate smell almost inevitably receives support and empathy.

The fact your child is also being criticised is odd.

Sort this out. School, GP, dentist, personal hygiene.

@Hoppinggreen

Yes op is male. Read my other posts ! Plus all I've said men can still use