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AIBU?

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Original poster

Find it really hard to show an interest in DDs hobbies

85 replies

BrazyTwinsMA · 05/12/2024 11:27

I have 2 DC, twins who are 16. DS and I are very similar, homebodies, love to cook, garden, read. DS loves music, plays piano and he's really into history and so am I.
DD is the polar opposite, she loves sports, F1 , Tennis, Football, Snowsports, Athletics. Hates being at home, loves trying new things, she plays a little piano but gave up to learn the drums. I'm very risk averse while my Ex partner and kids dad has taken DD to do all sorts, wake surfing, actual surfing what have you. DD has broke more bones and had more injuries than I can count. Shes good at maths and languages but history is nightmare to her.
Now I love both my children equally but I do not know what to talk to DD about anymore. School is always fine, her sports are always fine. She prefers her dad taking her to meets or completions as "he knows what he's looking at",
DS and I discuss recipes, in the summer I took DS on holiday and my ex took DD as DD wanted to go wake surfing on lake Geneva and to the olympics. DS and I had a very chill week all inclusive then went to Rome for a few days and did museums and galleries. While we were lounging by the pool DD was sending videos of her doing random tricks on boards designed for the water of some sort.
The kids are meant to stay with us 1 week off and 1 week on, Sunday-Sunday. Sunday just gone DD came late as she wanted to watch F1 with her dad and when she arrived I felt like she was talking another language, with "stupid penalty this and Pierre underrated that". Last night she went to her dads as her team were playing in football and she wanted to watch with him. I told her to stay and I'd watch with her but she joked I'd have no idea what I was watching so no point.
Her A-Levels are Maths, Biology, French and PE and tbh I'm useless at them all so can't help. DS is doing Classics, History, English Lit and Music so I feel like we can talk more about his studies.

How do I bond with DD? I feel like she's slipping away. We don't like the same music, no common interests and she just closes me out. She no longer even tells me if she has a tennis competition or whatever it's breaking my heart. Equally when she starts talking about how this tennis player has unreliable first serve but when it's in has one of the highest points behind first serve of any player (yep had to check my messages to get that right) I feel like she may as well be talking in French!

AIBU to find it hard to take an interest in these things? What do I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
BrazyTwinsMA · 05/12/2024 11:48

Thanks I know what everyone means about learning. I have tried and I get the basics of F1/Tennis/Football, I can watch and vaguely know what's going on. My ex wasn't massively into any of these pre-DD (he's a rugby man and frankly hated football until DD took an interest). It just seems to come more naturally to him. When they were younger we split it so he'd take her to tennis and I'd take DS to rehearsals or piano lessons etc. It just seems to have stuck. Maybe I need to get a "dummy's guide to" so I can engage a bit more!

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 05/12/2024 11:47

What sticks out to me is that you feel you can only communicate about hobbies and interests. What about funny things that happened day to day, what’s going on in the news, chatting about plans for the future, talking about things you were doing while she was gone, laughing about people that were rude in the supermarket, weird things the cat did, etc. Just chat.

MagpiePi · 05/12/2024 11:47

Are you as worried that your son has an equally difficult relationship with his dad?

MsAnnFrope · 05/12/2024 11:45

DH has never stepped on a gym mat in his life. But has he learned the names of the moves and the scoring and supported DD with her comps and training in gymnastics. Absolutely.
Do I follow football. No. Do I watch DSC and join in with family games and fantasy league. Again absolutely.
because we aren’t raising carbon copies of us. We have children who’s interests and passions we encourage and follow even if they are worlds away from ours.

Anotherworrier · 05/12/2024 11:44

I think you’re all being a little harsh here she clearly lives her daughter but this is an issue that’s been built up over time.

There must be something you can enjoy together? But if there really isn’t then I agree you need to ask her to teach you about something. The amount I have to listen to about football I’m surprised I’m not married to Messi, I hate it but I do it and feign interest because I love my son.

TickingAlongNicely · 05/12/2024 11:42

Let her know that you may not know all the technicalities, but you still enjoy watching her play tennis. And enjoy seeing the videos of the wakeboarding etc (even if they actually terrify you!). Or the football... ask if the team did well, or whether it was a good match to watch.

Dery · 05/12/2024 11:40

@BrazyTwinsMA - you’re not unreasonable in finding it hard to take an interest but I think you need to take an interest regardless. The fact these things are important to your DD makes them important. The fact that you have natural shared interests with your other child is going to make her feel excluded - it sounds like it already has and this is why she’s shutting you out. Learn a bit about football and/or tennis. The comments she made are not particularly technical or hard to understand. Perhaps you could ask her to explain them to you or at least show that you’re trying to educate yourself.

You like music and English lit - that suggests you like drama. Well, sport is a form of drama - that’s why sports fans get so engaged. It’s not just the technical skill. It’s the drama and excitement of the contest. Things that seem fair. Things that seem unfair. Good luck and bad luck. There’s so much to any sport. Throw yourself into it.

Frozensnowflake · 05/12/2024 11:38

Yes YABU

what you need to do is try harder with her

Ablondiebutagoody · 05/12/2024 11:36

If she's 16 and been doing these kind of activities for years, I don't really understand how you can be so clueless about them.

How's your relationship with her Dad? Can you go to competitions together to support her? Me and ex do this for DS's sports. He loves it.

WarmFrogPond · 05/12/2024 11:33

You seem to have a very entrenched view of yourself as ‘rubbish at X’ or ‘ignorant about Y’, which seems to be rubbing off on your DD, who has designated her other parent as the knowledgeable one about ‘her stuff’. You can learn tennis and tennis language just as you can learn French. Make an effort! Ask her to explain a tennis match. Read a French novel from her course in translation.