Find it really hard to show an interest in DDs hobbies

Yes, she’s opening presents at home with me and her dad and then we are going to nan and grandads where I will have “forgotten” to pick up a present as some of them have been delivered there. I’ve got her the full puma/Ferrari/ June Ambrose clothing setup and a pair of very fancy trainers she’s been lusting after, Along with a golden ticket presentation type thing. She’s had a very tough few years and came incredibly close to failing her GCSEs ( she totally failed her mocks) and was saved by a last minute ADHD diagnosis and medication. She did a total 180 and passed every GCSE so she really deserves this. I’m happy to engage and encourage her dreams 100%. I must be happy as I’ve got to spend 4-5 nights in a bell tent with my step dad now 🙀

@OnyourbarksGSG oh that is amazing!! I bet you can't wait to tell her and see her face! There will be happy tears no doubt, what a fabulous present. When are you telling her - christmas? I'd find it hard to keep a secret like that until next year!

I know!! She sounds fucking awesome and so many people would be so thankful to have such a talented, energetic, smart kid!

I wouldn't particularly feel the need to share interests and hobbies at 16. Your kids are moving into adulthood; it's different from when they were little and you would learn together if they started a new hobby that you didn't know much about. My parents don't know anything about my hobbies nor I theirs, we are able to have perfectly good relationships and conversations without them having knowledge of how I spend my time.

What you ask and talk about are the non-hobby-specific things - how are you feeling about the game, was your coach in a good mood again like last week, how's that issue with the girl who did X, how's your wrist after that injury.
Similarly with A levels - are you managing with workload, what do you think of your teacher ...
I never talk to mine about their actual subjects, I think that expectation is a bit odd. I'd offer DD a party at home so you can get to know her friends and see and understand the dynamics, if you don't already.

Be careful of pigeon holing and stereotyping. Your DC are as you describe right now, for now. DS needs to know he can sack off the art gallery and go on a sports sabbatical, DD needs to know she's a whole person with lots of dimensions and her identity isn't only extreme sports. Especially be careful of identifying your kids as 'like me' or 'like their dad' . They're complex, multi dimensional individuals who are changing and will continue to change a lot, and they need room to do that without feeling that it would change their relationship with or opinion of their parent.
If you're on good terms with their dad, can you talk to him to say you sense a bit of unbalance and can you tackle that together in 2025 by making sure he does stuff with DS and you with DD?

My ds as a teen spent a lot of time with his dad doing hobbies etc. although ds hated football much to exs disappointment as he played for a local town team in his youth. They went and did water sports, motorsports etc.

he was also into gaming which I hated tbh although I did try.

but we bonded over other things, talked a lot about the most random shit, laughed at really daft things and one night after a particularly rough time in his early teens (he was a troubled teen) it snowed thick and fast so at midnight we cracked out the sledges and spent a very happy hour sledging very fast down our steep hill just me and him. It’s one of my most happiest memories and his.

you do have to make the effort and step out of your comfort zone even if it really isn’t your thing.

standing on a freezing cold pitch in the depths of winter watching my dd3 play football isn’t my idea of fun and is tbh out of comfort zone but I’ve done it every week for the past six years. I haven’t got a clue about football but I do try

I don’t think this is about your dd at all- I think it’s about your ex. Your dd is just collateral damage in the unresolved frustration you feel towards her dad.

There’s no reason otherwise that you’d be so passive and literal about the situation otherwise- no one solely bonds with their child over their interests and a-levels.

I don't think you have to know much, just to show up

My hobby was horses. Nobody else in the family is horsey, there was lots of mutterings about "no idea where it came from"

My parents didn't have a clue but they took me to lessons, asked how it went, listened to me going on, bought me horse magazines, took me to various performances of stuff and put up with me hogging the TV for stuff. Dad got quite into cross country on TV!
If we went on holiday they would always arrange something horse related for me

My dad has learned enough to put a rug on, lead a horse, be instructed to "hold this" but I found he was happy being involved fixing things so even now I will ask him to fix something and then say "come give horse an apple while you're here"

I had this with my DS a few years ago. He got very into a sport (watching and playing) that I knew nothing about. For a while we muddled along with other interests in common and then I remember realising that if I didn’t make an effort we would not have very much to talk about as this sport became a bigger and bigger part of his life. So I did start to listen more, found out about the (complicated!) rules of said sport, went to matches etc etc. I now quite enjoy it. I guess it depends how much you feel this matters to DD - if it is going to be an enduring or significant part of her life it’s worth making the effort in my view.

I have strong views about this as I grew up with parents who had a very particular view about what activities were worthwhile - mine were not. I really wanted not to be as snobby about DS’s interests as they were about mine. I appreciate that is not you’re saying here - but the end result is similar, having different interests that neither of you can really engage with.

Did you see that ludicrous display last night?

when i first started watching F1 in the 90s, my folks would read snippets from the newspapers so they could have a surface level conversation about it with me

maybe you should do the same for the start of next season have a basic knowledge at least so you can fake an interest

Maybe you could watch the IT Crowd football episode together. Embrace your ignorance, bond, then ask if she saw that ludicrous display last night when stuck for words

Just tell her you really like having a daughter with completely different interests to you. My daughter turned out to be surprisingly good at maths, a subject i always hated. I told her how pleased I was that she was good at things I had struggled with. She’s also an extrovert and will turn up to any event and mingle, so I tell her how that’s the opposite of me and I’m thrilled that she is so social. You don’t have to share your daughters interests, just be excited for her enthusiasm and get up and go attitude

What everyone else said. But also, re: the school subjects, it's perfectly normal for parents not to have been good at the same subjects their dc are doing at A Level! This should not be any kind of cause for distance between you and your dd. It sounds like you are creating the distance by acting almost deliberately cluelessly!

Aw, this just made me tear up a bit, as someone who also gets up at 4am for races. Lucky girl!

I didn't get that from the OP.

But I'm happy to agree to disagree.

Inference?

What I love about my son's obsessions is how knowledgeable and enthusiastic he is about them. He might as well be speaking in a foreign language but I love him getting all enthused when he's explaining something to me that's so technical that I'd never have a hope of understanding it.

One of my dc does a sport I don't (or didn't) know anything about.
I didn't understand the rules and I know nothing about the tactics and nothing about people who play it professionally.

So, I took her to the games. I did a bit of research into the rules. I asked her about the tactics. I asked her about why this was a penalty or why that was ruled out when I didn't understand. If I can't go, I ask her to talk me through the game.

Would I be interested in the sport if she weren't ? No
Do I love my dd, and therefore, by default, want to be interested in things that are important to her ? Undoubtedly.

Have I (and no doubt millions of other parents through time) sat through boring concerts where people just beginning to learn their instruments all play their first concert, and winced at the lack of tunefulness ? Yes, of course I have. Because that's what parents do - encourage their dcs' interests, even if they aren't something they would be interested in themselves.

This.

It's not her job to only be interested in the things that you are interested in, it is your job to take an interest in what she is doing.

Exactly.

I think she sounds impressive too and I'd put money on the fact that her Mum, desperate to connect with her, finds her pretty damn impressive too.

What football team does she support? I'll come up with some questions you could ask about them.

Did she write somewhere that she is impressed by her DD?
I must have missed it. I'm sorry.

But you are right, of course. The post was about bonding, not skills. I just thought the daughter sounded very impressive.

Sorry again.

That word carbon copy... I feel a bit concerned that each of these kids has seemingly done this. The son is very similar to the mum, the daughter similar to the dad.

It seems a bit odd.

Do both kids have underlying people pleasing tendencies and/or looking for their parents validation.

Has the daughter feel left out by the Mum, has the son feel left out by the dad?

I agree you definitely can take an interest even if you you've no personal experience with the activity yourself.

If its important to your child, it's important to you.

I have basic understanding of an instrument that is being learned, which DH already plays and I show great enthusiasm as they show me current songs being learned, but I don't know how to play and I can't really read music.

I've shown interest in different activities/kids over the years. I've even learned how to navigate roblox and fortnite to join in occasional game.

Are these my things, well no, but they're my kids things, they're of importance/enjoyment to my kids and I try to show my interest and support where I can.

They are their own people and I'd be a bit concerned if their interests were becoming a mirror image of my own, I find that a bit strange, a bit enmeshed maybe. Just from what's been described in the post.