Or is this Santa post unreasonable?

Having your Christmas ruined by your child’s friend telling the truth about Santa probably means that your Christmas wasn’t that good to start with. There’s many reasons that children don’t believe in Father Christmas.

Yeah I only have good memories of figuring it out.

I came from a big family with a ton of cousins while being one of the youngest by almost a decade so all the aunts/uncles and adult cousins would get me a little gift each. I'd spend the day at home with my parents opening gifts "from santa" then boxing day visiting family and getting lots of extra gifts all through the day.

One year I asked my parents why everyone in the family got me presents for xmas and we bought them gifts, but my parents never got me anything.

The next year half the presents under the tree were labeled "from mum and dad" and half "from santa". Little me looked at the pile for a while and asked "mummy - why do you and santa have the same handwriting"

I think if Sarah believes the trust her children have in her will be damaged by the participation in a centuries old tradition in which much of the world joins in in one form or another, she probably needs to reflect on why that trust is so fragile in the first place. But no. Instead let's use the most emotive language we can find 'lies' and 'betrayal' to veil the fact that this is just another opinion with no substantiating evidence dressed up as 'science'.

OP when they ask you don't need to lie or reveal all. Ask them what they think and why, then ask their reasoning/explanation eg "So how do you think the stocking gets filled?" or "what happened to the mince pie and carrot then?". I admit I did throw DD1 off the scent for a while when she declared the answers to both examples were me: I said that the stocking was empty when I came to bed and reminded her that I don't like mince pies (both true! These jobs fall to DH who goes to bed later)... But she worked it out in the end and felt very pleased with herself for doing so. 8yo DD2 is a hard believer still, I suspect partly from choice of not wanting to think anything else going on as she loves of all things fantastical, but she'll get there when she's ready.

I think like most things, extremes never tend to be the answer, so neither the approach of Santa always openly being discussed as made up or all out with fake dropped driving licences and photoshopped photos is the way to go IMO. I felt uncomfortable lying about it too but equally didn't want to rob DCs of a bit of fun and magic and I don't feel harmed by experiencing it myself.
As a result, it has always been a small part of Christmas for us: FC brings small stockings only, we never made a big deal out of explaining it (society did that for us!), it just 'is', and on the very rare occasion we've done a FC visit (3-odd times to the one at the school fair), we've always been clear they are seeing a man playing a part. They don't/won't stop getting a stocking once they've worked it out either, so what's there to be disappointed about?

A friend's little girl was utterly traumatised by the lie..... And gave her parents a really tough time about it!
That was 20+ years ago. She has just told her own three year old that Santa is "just a story". Hoping the kid doesn't ruin all her little friends' parents' Christmases.

I think a bit of 'magic' is fine, my Dad told us all kinds of stories that were part of our cultural heritage and we loved them, even though I have no memory of ever believing them.

I think some adults want children to keep believing longer than they actually do and put a lot of effort into maintaining the myth and that's problematic. It's easy enough to not lie to them beyond 'lets put out stockings for Santa to fill with presents' and let the rest of the world do all the myth building at Christmas. And if they ask say 'what do you think?' and let them work it out for themselves. No trauma involved.

I remember by 5 I didn’t “believe” in Santa but I definitely believed in fairies at the bottom of my garden

I didn't believe in Santa from 4 or 5 (I don't actually remember ever really believing, though my parents did "do" Santa), but I believed King Authur was asleep in a cave and would wake up and come back one day until I was about 9 or 10!

I find SOS seems to have a bizarre mix of saying that you mustn't expect too much of children (she's always on about lowering expectations) but then also almost treating them as adults in other ways (e.g. this, or expecting them to self regulate with food).

Personally I'll talk about Santa but stop short of actually saying he's real. But I don't think it's wrong if you do go down that road - most people do and their kids seem well adjusted!

but I find it over the top for a parenting expert to suggest we should go out of our way to tell children he’s not real.

But children only think he is real because their parents tell them he is. They aren't born believing in Santa or Jesus or the Easter Bunny. At some point they will find out it was all a lie.

Anyway, you don't have to agree with her. It's just her opinion.

Totally agree every family should do what feels right to them. When the kids were young DH and I did the Santa visit, writing the letter, leaving out carrots and pies, etc and I figured we'd do that for years and years, but actually the kids were quite young when they started asking all the questions and it did feel really wrong to tie myself up in knots lying to them. So I never really confirmed or denied and they just stopped believing.

I have zero problems if parents want to lie to their kids about Santa but I do find it a bit uncomfortable when parents at this time of year talk about 'if you don't believe then you won't get any presents', 'if you're not good Santa won't come' and all that sort of thing. It just doesn't sit right with me. I remember a Mum at the school gates saying she didn't want her kids to find out about Santa because otherwise there was no way to get them to behave in December... that's not really about childhood magic, is it?!

I know everyone loves Sarah Ockwell Smith but she's never made much sense to me tbh.

Santa is brilliant. Magic is brilliant.

Why do you think it’s poor advice to tell children that someone who doesn’t exist doesn’t exist? I don’t think it’s damaging to most children, though some are upset about being lied to or on finding the truth, but it’s not a bad thing to not go along with it either and tell your children from the start that it’s all pretend.

No, that was one of his many helpers who dress up as him and do shop appearance. They ease his burden. They're specially picked by him though. If one gets drunk or swears they're taken off duty and given other tasks.

Santa doesn't have to be part of life.
It also doesn't mean they don't still enjoy christmas.

People have lied to their children about folklore since time immemorial. I think they'll survive.

He does exist, I saw him in a shop the other day.

L8f3 is hard enough flip sake let kids be kids santa is part n parcel of childhood parents drag their kids to church to talk to an imaginary friend up in the sky so why not let them believe in santa also

Is she the never-let-your-baby-cry "guru"?

I don't really think Santa is as big a deal as a lot of parents seem to. In this house he just fills a stocking full of tiny bits. There's no big fuss over it, no trips to "see Santa", no elaborate pretence with letters and footprints etc. He didn't bring all the presents or even any of the big presents, just things that fit in a literal sticking.

Once the kids got old enough to wonder if he was real, or how he did it, I just said they didn't have to put a stocking out anymore if they didn't want to. They all chose to anyway, just to be on the safe side and still do as young adults!

No idea about Sarah Ockwell Smith’s views, but I think the difference between organised religion and Santa is that parents who teach their children their religious beliefs genuinely think they’re teaching their children the truth about how the world works. I assume no parent believes a fat man in a red suit travels to their house by reindeer to give their children presents.

I'm more upset that hardly anyone calls him Father Christmas any more. Happy bloomin' Christmas!

Hopefully we're all teaching that the bible is just stories. 👀

Yeah it didn't sit right with me to lie to them for a decade but we still have a lovely time they get gifts off us and I don't judge what anyone else does

Does Sarah Ockwell Smith express a similar view on the bible, in her books?

We never did the santa thing with our children. I am one of the rare people who did feel somewhat humiliated when I realised my excitement as a child was based on a lie, but I understand that I'm likely in the minority and that it is probably linked to be autistic and having a strong but b&w/narrow sense of right a wrong. For those same reasons I decided I wouldn't lie to mine. They didn't miss out on anything. They weren't any less excited about getting gifts. They still woke us up at 6am wanting to open presents. 😩

I never once felt like I’d been lied to and no one I know feels like that. DD1 is 11 in January and still believes. I’m enjoying this last year of it but will be telling her before she goes to secondary next year. She will love being part of the magic for DD2 (will be 5 by then) and DS (will be 1yr 9mo) though because she’s an amazing big sister.