Page 2 | To want to have one meal over Christmas as a family?

Oneblindmouse · 2024-12-04T23:58:25+00:00

Bear with me, this may be complicated. We are a very small family. There is DD, DS and I. DD and DS have partners. We live in 3 separate small houses. The arrangement this Christmas was for DD and I to go to DS's house for Christmas Day with DS and his partner. DD's partner is working Christmas Day but DD and her partner will go to his parents house on Boxing Day. DS and his partner were going to his partner's parents on Boxing Day. There was a possibility that DS may have to work on Christmas Day and today he confirmed that was the case. We had agreed that if that happened we would move our family meal to Boxing Day. DS's partner will go to their parent's house for Christmas Day, which is fine. However DS today announced that our family meal at his house on Boxing Day will now include his partner's parents. Meaning there will be 6 of us. That sounds OK but really isn't, as DS's house is very small. The kitchen table seats 4 at a a squeeze and the living room only seats 4 people on a sofa and one armchair. It will be a nightmare especially as 3 of us are disabled. So AIBU to want some time for just our immediate family to relax, exchange gifts and have a meal together on one day over Christmas? DD has suggested that she and I have Christmas Day at my house but I would really like to see DS as well. I have gifts for him and his partner and was really looking forward to it. DD and I don't really know DS's partner's parents, have only met them once.

Original poster

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:49

DoreenonTill8 · 05/12/2024 07:45

does ds' dp have siblings? Who's the extra taking you to 6 on boxing day? You, ds, dp, dpdm, dpdd =5 ?* *
And looks like you and dd will be together Christmas day?

Sorry it will be only 5 on Boxing Day. DS partner has no siblings.
My mistake. Yes I will be with DD on Christmas Day.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2024 07:47

Your son is being considerate and trying to include everyone. Sounds like he’s a hard worker, too.

Just be pleased that you raised a good man and enjoy the meal for 6.

Behindthethymes · 05/12/2024 07:47

It seems unreasonable to me that your back up plan was Boxing Day despite knowing both dc had plans for those days.

I have 2 siblings, as does dh and my sil and a complicated pattern of whose turn it is to host which dps to ensure no one is left out. 2 of the families have a separate Christmas family get together in the two weeks either side of the 25th, the third is obsessed with the day itself and always generates unnecessary drama and bad feeling.

Whaleandsnail6 · 05/12/2024 07:46

I think you need to go with the flow. Either you and dd go to the meal with ds partners parents

or

let ds and dd coordinate a day when they can both have a meal together with you, even if this is before or after the Christmas period.

I think complaining about how things have turned out may make him just not eant to bother...in his eyes he has come up with a good plan (having all relatives round together) and you arent happy with it

Original poster

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:45

Womblewife · 05/12/2024 07:37

Could you offer to give DS the monet he would have earned doing Christmas Day? Then you could just carry on with the plan as usual.

As mentioned above it's not about the money. I do feel for DD though as she has contributed to Christmas dinner at DS house and now it's not happening. She and I now have to plan and shop for our dinner instead. She will also have to prepare most of it due to my disabilities. At least I will get two Christmas dinners 🙂.

OP posts:

DoreenonTill8 · 05/12/2024 07:45

does ds' dp have siblings? Who's the extra taking you to 6 on boxing day? You, ds, dp, dpdm, dpdd =5 ?* *
And looks like you and dd will be together Christmas day?

scotstars · 05/12/2024 07:41

People make it work for 1 day. I have a small living/dining area if it's only for duration of a meal you should manage. It sounds like the original plan was 4 adults and now is 5 -1 more shouldn't make the difference

Original poster

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:39

PerditaLaChien · 05/12/2024 07:35

If he doesn't mind working christmas day maybe he's just a really decent guy who's offered that knowing he has co-workers who really don't want to?

My family struggle to all be together on christmas day for various reasons but we get together on a different day, often a week or two before etc. Could you maybe have a nice lunch together on christmas eve or that weekend before? Or new years day perhaps.

Sadly DD and DS will not have a day off on the same day until after New Year. He is a nice guy but struggles with the word "no".

OP posts:

Womblewife · 05/12/2024 07:37

Could you offer to give DS the monet he would have earned doing Christmas Day? Then you could just carry on with the plan as usual.

Original poster

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:37

tearsandtiaras · 05/12/2024 06:47

Its just a day you sound nuts. Spend time together before or after.

Does he get paid more for working xmas day?

Maybe he is saving up to get out of the teeny tiny house

He doesn't get paid more for Christmas Day and doesn't want to move house.
He simply can't say no when asked if he will do the shift (ASD).

OP posts:

PerditaLaChien · 05/12/2024 07:35

If he doesn't mind working christmas day maybe he's just a really decent guy who's offered that knowing he has co-workers who really don't want to?

My family struggle to all be together on christmas day for various reasons but we get together on a different day, often a week or two before etc. Could you maybe have a nice lunch together on christmas eve or that weekend before? Or new years day perhaps.

FrenchandSaunders · 05/12/2024 07:33

Things change with adult children, just go with the flow. At least they’re including you, don’t make it difficult for them.

Original poster

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 07:32

RedHelenB · 05/12/2024 07:25

This.

Show quote history

Sorry if I wasn't clear.

DS is working on Christmas Day. DD is going with her partner to his parents on Boxing Day.

Neither of them have a day off on the same day this side of New Year.
I will see DD on Christmas day and DS on Boxing Day. DD and DS won't see each other at all.

OP posts:

MiddleParking · 05/12/2024 07:30

coffeesaveslives · 05/12/2024 07:20

I think you're being a bit silly.

Book a family meal for just the three of you somewhere if that's what's so important to you, but you can't expect your adult children to exclude their in-laws on Christmas Day or Boxing Day etc. just to suit you!

It sounds like that is indeed OP’s expectation of both of them which DD has met (hence cancelling the invitation she’d accepted to her partner’s parents’ house for Boxing Day), and OP is annoyed that DS won’t similarly fall in line.

IrritableVowel · 05/12/2024 07:25

OP it is OK to be disappointed. Your son could have said no to the extra shift. He has moved everything and everyone around now to accommodate himself. It's annoying.

Do you all live nearby each other? Could you meet up one night after work (eg 23rd or 27th) just the 3 of you, and have a meal. It might be nice tk set a day/ night as your own immediate family tradition

RedHelenB · 05/12/2024 07:25

MasterBeth · 05/12/2024 00:18

DD. and I will not get to see DS at all over Christmas to exchange gifts and have a meal together.

But you will. On Boxing Day.

This.

Saturdayssandwichsociety · 05/12/2024 07:23

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 05:29

OK it seems I am being unreasonable. 🙂 It is good to hear different points of view. Thanks everyone for your input. To answer a few questions, my adult DC left home over 5 years ago, two years apart.
DD works Monday to Friday and has bank holidays off.
DS can choose which days he works (sort of like agency work). Until this week he said he wasn't going to work on Christmas Day. He has chosen to do so.
He hardly ever has a Saturday or Sunday off which means he rarely sees DD. That is why it was going to be lovely to see them both together for once. He won't say no when asked to work extra shifts and would not be penalised for doing so.
Also he has not volunteered to work for financial reasons.
It would have been lovely for us to have a few hours together over the festive period but it is not to be unfortunately. That isn't going to be possible now until after New Year.

I really do not resent them having partners and new families. I am glad they are settled and happy in their lives.
It is just a disappointment that DS has involved me in shopping and planning for a lovely day when we could all be together; then suddenly volunteering to work.
Edit to add: DD is just as frustrated with DS as I am for this.

Edited

You still all can be together OP? On boxing day? A couple of extra people round the table doesn't mean you arent all together.
You sound resentful that your son and his partner don't want to separate for what is their main christmas day together - they are making a statement that they see their families as all 'their' family now, not 'his' and 'hers' and that's very positive. If you are awkward about it you may find in future when things progress and there are maybe grandchildren her family are prioritised over you.

itsjustbiology · 05/12/2024 07:22

op for the sake of everyone please let this go and dont hold on to your resentment

coffeesaveslives · 05/12/2024 07:20

I think you're being a bit silly.

Book a family meal for just the three of you somewhere if that's what's so important to you, but you can't expect your adult children to exclude their in-laws on Christmas Day or Boxing Day etc. just to suit you!

Eenameenadeeka · 05/12/2024 07:19

If you want to have a meal with them, invite them for dinner? On a day that works for all of you even if it's a week or so out. But I do think you're being unreasonable, they are both planning to see you but they have partners families to consider as well.

Hobbesmanc · 05/12/2024 07:16

You don't really know why your son is now working Christmas Day. You say he's chosen to but you have no idea of the dynamics of his work. Maybe he's saving up for something special and the money is too good, maybe he's looking for a promotion and this will impress his boss, maybe he owes a big favour.

You're still all seeing each other, plenty have to make compromise.

Completelyjo · 05/12/2024 07:13

So AIBU to want some time for just our immediate family to relax, exchange gifts and have a meal together on one day over Christmas?

Yes. Your children are adults living with partners, you don’t get to dictate that it’s just immediate family particularly when you aren’t hosting.
It’s totally reasonable for your DS to have extended the invite to his in-laws. If you don’t want to go then don’t but don’t moan about it or dictate anything.

Cornflakes44 · 05/12/2024 07:10

Oneblindmouse · 05/12/2024 05:29

OK it seems I am being unreasonable. 🙂 It is good to hear different points of view. Thanks everyone for your input. To answer a few questions, my adult DC left home over 5 years ago, two years apart.
DD works Monday to Friday and has bank holidays off.
DS can choose which days he works (sort of like agency work). Until this week he said he wasn't going to work on Christmas Day. He has chosen to do so.
He hardly ever has a Saturday or Sunday off which means he rarely sees DD. That is why it was going to be lovely to see them both together for once. He won't say no when asked to work extra shifts and would not be penalised for doing so.
Also he has not volunteered to work for financial reasons.
It would have been lovely for us to have a few hours together over the festive period but it is not to be unfortunately. That isn't going to be possible now until after New Year.

I really do not resent them having partners and new families. I am glad they are settled and happy in their lives.
It is just a disappointment that DS has involved me in shopping and planning for a lovely day when we could all be together; then suddenly volunteering to work.
Edit to add: DD is just as frustrated with DS as I am for this.

Edited

This would annoy me too. If there's no reason to work why ruin the plans everyone was looking forward to. If he had to work it would be a different story. Hopefully you can find some time in the run up to be together.

DoreenonTill8 · 05/12/2024 07:09

tearsandtiaras · 05/12/2024 06:47

Its just a day you sound nuts. Spend time together before or after.

Does he get paid more for working xmas day?

Maybe he is saving up to get out of the teeny tiny house

This and He hardly ever has a Saturday or Sunday off which means he rarely sees DD.

Surely as adults if they want to see each other then they will organise it?

MiddleParking · 05/12/2024 07:03

Also, it sounds like DD’s partner and his parents have had their offered Boxing Day hospitality rejected because of factors that are nothing to do with them, and have the most to complain about in this situation.