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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel uncomfortable with the way DS and his GF speak to each other

37 replies

Jusoema · 04/12/2024 15:50

DS is 26, his GF is 24. They've been together about 18 months, they are both accomplished, DS works in finance his GF is a solicitor.
This week I'm staying with DS, he lives in a house share but it has a tiny room with a single bed that they use as a spare room. His GF has been around a lot and I I've never noticed it before but they are so cruel in the way they talk to each other. 'Jokingly' calling each other "whore" "cunt" "bastard", plus saying things like Fuck Off or joking about being disloyal.
I know it's their relationship and they are free to do what they wish and they do also call each other sweet pet names like baby and babe and always seem to be saying to the other "I love you" "you're so beautiful".
But AIBU to find it quite discomforting being around a couple who use this language towards each other?

OP posts:
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5128gap · 25/04/2025 10:10

They sound like a couple of pre teens showing off some naughty words they've learned in front of an adult. I'd say "DS, it offends me to hear you call a woman a whore and to have to hear my son called a bastard. There's really no need to perform these aspects of your relationship in front of other people, so would you mind keeping it private?"

Gingernan · 25/04/2025 09:56

I'd hate that . My children are equally polite and would be outraged if I swore.
It's horrible!

ThePoliteLion · 04/12/2024 20:01

I wouldn’t like it one bit and think it’s weird. I’m not surprised it makes you uncomfortable. I wouldn’t ever want to be called a whore or a cunt by anyone. Yuck. Quiet, informal conversation with your son to check everything is OK? I’d tell him I don’t like the “bantz” BTW

arcticpandas · 04/12/2024 19:52

I would ask my DS about this. It's probably just "their language" but they should be made aware that other people might not like to hear them talking like that so they should only do it when alone.

MrsJoanDanvers · 04/12/2024 18:02

‘If they talk like this as the norm how on earth do they express themselves when they are annoyed with each other?’

Well if we fall out, we don’t insult each other that’s for sure. We say why we’re annoyed and try to sort it out. I’d be very upset if any of my family called me a bitch and mean it! But as a joke it’s fine. I’ve never understood why name calling is acceptable when angry-it’s not a joke anymore.

MrsJoanDanvers · 04/12/2024 17:59

I’m 60 and we call each other stupid cunt occasionally. I love my husband and he me and would never say it in a sincere way-it’s always a joke! It’s private to us-would never say it to a friend or colleague as they’d be horrified but he and I like banter. If they’re like that, I would t worry about it-it’s only if they’re genuinely speaking with contempt that it’s a problem. But mum-you have to butt out of your kid’s relationship!

Runmybathforme · 04/12/2024 17:18

This is how me an my DH communicate ( except for cunt, he’d never call me that ). We insult each other frequently which normally ends up with both of us giggling. However, we don’t do it in front of others and such language is never used when we’re arguing.
Your son and his girlfriend sound as though they have a healthy, balanced relationship, I wouldn’t worry.

Isthereanypointtoallthis · 04/12/2024 17:02

I wouldn't like to spend time in the company of any one who thought this was an acceptable way to talk to each other.

I know they can do what they like in their relationship in private but to have so little respect for people that they do it in the company of others would really disgust me.

Presumably they are intelligent and educated but they don't sound as though they have much grasp of how language should be used. Or much grasp of consideration for other people.

If they talk like this as the norm how on earth do they express themselves when they are annoyed with each other?

Feelingstrange2 · 04/12/2024 17:02

I think.its fine at the moment while.they obviously have a good relationship really. Although some of that language I don't like personally.

It's going to harder for them to navigate those tricky arguments when they have a potential to fall out as using words like that could end it like a guillotine!

LostTheMarble · 04/12/2024 16:58

I have no issue with swearing, but if I caught my son even jokingly calling his girlfriend a whore or cunt I’d hit the roof. Messing around is one thing, those words used towards women are weighted with misogyny.

Rosie8880 · 04/12/2024 16:53

they are so young and it’s just a phase - young people love to do that, shock and joke and be challenging. As long as they are happy I wouldn’t worry at all. If you find the language uncomfortable let them know - as the son’s mother think you are well within your rights to not wanna hear your son curse etc
.

Conniebygaslight · 04/12/2024 16:52

I’d suggest it’s toxic and one of them would prefer that the other doesn’t do it but daren’t say. Not healthy at all.

Terrribletwos · 04/12/2024 16:51

@Jusoema They flip back and fore between pet sweet names and calling each other vile names. It all sounds completely odd and disturbing. Not much you can do about it tho, just be there for the inevitable breakup, I suppose, because their relationship sounds very strange.

Changeyourfuckingcar · 04/12/2024 16:44

I’m another who finds it utterly bizarre that they speak to each other that way in front of you. Swearing, I don’t really care about, but this is a bit above and beyond that!
Wrt to the general name calling otherwise, my first thought was ‘how fucking weird’ but actually I’ve definitely called my husband a cunt before as a joke, and he has back, but we absolutely adore each other and would never speak to each other that way in anger. It’s a weird one.

ViciousCurrentBun · 04/12/2024 16:43

DH and I have a sweary relationship but agree it’s the meaning, I do love an olde English or obscure insult. We are in a house with lots of wordplay and it’s a game sometimes.

I always consider who is around as does he, when MIL is here for Christmas I’m like a Nun at evensong.

despairnow · 04/12/2024 16:42

Sorry wrong thread OP

despairnow · 04/12/2024 16:41

Doesn't sound like you approve of her or like her !

housemaus · 04/12/2024 16:33

YANBU to not like it as that's your prerogative, but it seems like they're perfectly happy? I don't think it's really appropriate given their age and the fact you're staying with him as a guest to try and either give relationship advice (when none has been sought and they seem happy) or to ask them to change how they speak to each other, if swearing in itself isn't a problem for you and he knows that.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/12/2024 16:32

I wouldn't like it at all. Language like that starts out as jokes but pretty soon become the go to in rows which only escalates things.

tolerable · 04/12/2024 16:28

How the speak to each other-is on them.
I'm swearing tolerant-cos guilty of it. -thankfully my boys do it-but never directly at me(seems to be a unwritten rule). Given they are both grown adults,in proffessional careers i think its pretty disresppectful to you to do this when your around.
Doubt id have fell at first hurdle-as is a continued practice-id go with "its lovely to see how well you two get on and your dynamic as a couple blossoming.however id prefer if you cut the foul mouthed jokey insults n banter cos its really unpleasant to be around.please.

despairnow · 04/12/2024 16:28

I mean it doesn't sound very nice.
Why not ask your ds about it.

Annabella92 · 04/12/2024 16:17

Or rather they should.

Jusoema · 04/12/2024 16:17

despairnow · 04/12/2024 16:16

It's weird
Also strange to swear so much in front of you!!

I don't mind the swearing on its own. It's the name calling directed at each other.
I also swear in front of them!

OP posts:
Annabella92 · 04/12/2024 16:17

Maddy70 · 04/12/2024 15:55

Nothing to do with you they are happy with them as terms of endearment. Even if you aren't

They probably want to keep it private though?

PassingStranger · 04/12/2024 16:17

What's older is they have no respect for you using it while your around.

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