Friend Ghosted me for a year and suddenly wants to meet up....I don't

If it’s the case that she ignored your attempts to stay in contact and has now reappeared a year later without addressing that, I’m afraid I’d have no interest in restarting the friendship.

@EmeraldRoulette you make a good point. And telling the truth about your feelings isn’t, of itself, creating drama.

I was trying to condense things because I didn’t want to write an overlong post. OP said she’d never got involved in any kind of drama in her friendships. But one of her two options was telling the friend she didn’t want to meet up because she hadn’t heard from her for a year. To me, this would raise the temperature and could potentially spark a difficult conversation, hurt feelings, angry feelings- in a word, drama. Which OP had said she didn’t want.

I dunno. I have friends I don't speak to for a year at a time. Then we meet up. I don't consider that ghosting, that's just friends who will probably always be friends regardless if we're not in regular contact. Sometimes other things take priority but we remain friends. Maybe it's like that for her, but not you, then you have to decide if that type of friendship is for you.

Personally I'm not good with people who disappear from my life and then reappear after a long while like nothings happened. I don't blame you for not being eager to meet up, focus on people who can be bothered with you instead. I definitely agree that even if you do meet up she'll probably disappear again.

@Keepingongoing " If you tell her that you don’t feel like meeting up after a long time with no news from her, it could be said that you’re the one who’s creating drama."

it's telling the truth about OP feelings though. Why is that "creating drama"?

@Louve sorry she ignored your messages for so long. I'd be inclined to tell the truth and see how she responds or just don't bother if you think she's going to ghost again

pp mentioned it being easy to make friends. I don't think it is but I've learned it's not worth giving time and headspace to people who just see friends as casual acquaintances.

I've got a friend who moved abroad to work and comes back to the UK maybe once a year. She messages me at the last minute and asks if we can meet up, and I always say yes, because I want to see her and catch up. We always have a laugh and I never regret it.

We have diff lives, I have a mortgage, husband and kids, she is single and loves living abroad.

I guess, if you don't like her company and don't think of her as a friend, don't see her. But I wouldn't say she's "ghosting" you or not a friend just because she lives a different kind of life than you.

Getting distracted with other stuff in life isn’t the same as ghosting. You sound like a high maintenance friend if you take offence at this to the point of wanting to end the friendship.

That said, it does depend on the kind of friendship - if it went suddenly from talking daily, sharing everything, to radio silence for weeks or months at a time then yeah I’d be pissed off. If it’s someone medium close that I usually talk to every few weeks and it stretched out to several months that’s just life. And it depends if she’s properly ignored you or just been slow to reply / not taking the initiative.

If you’re done with the friendship you don’t have to continue but I don’t think it’s fair to blame it all on her ‘ghosting’.

Gosh it seems quite a harsh way to view the friendship. Sometimes time passes quickly without people realising. I would definitely go along and meet an old friend who had reached out to me looking to meet up. Unless you don’t like her for some reason.

It reads to me, she is reaching out because she would like to see you. You say she ‘ghosted’ you for no reason - of course there’ll be a reason for not being in contact and I am sure you’ll find out if you choose to meet up. A 10 year friendship is some length but you don’t seem to be particularly invested in the relationship or even keen on your friend by the tone of your post, the mention of her not having kids doesn’t feel relevant and reads as a bit unpleasant.

I have friends I haven't heard from in a year. They're still my friend!

I wouldn’t bother. Real friends keep in touch.

I would probably go and catch up for an evening. Nothing may come of it, but it might turn out to be a refresh of your friendship.

Just ignore it. I'd put money on her meeting up with you once and then not hearing from her again for a year. Or she'll arrange, cancel, and then you won't hear from her again. One of those.

I think it depends on the relationship before hand.
i have friends who I might not speak to for a few months but then one or other of us gets in touch which then might result in a meet up. when we get together it’s lovely but that’s our norm pattern.there is not hurt on either side because that’s how our friendships work for various reasons busy lives chronically illnesses etc.

if on the other hand she just stopped responding even after you sent a few messages trying to get hold of her. Did you try to contact her and get ignored (which feels more like a snub) or did you both just drift off from each other for a while?

either way you need to decide if you want to rekindle the friendship and if you do then you need to have a conversation with her that for you it does feel ok when she just disappears.

from what you wrote though you seem to have different lives and you don’t seem to want her In your life from the way you describe her which is fine if that is the case.

Now if I heard from a friend after a year I'd be delighted they'd reached out after so long.

Unless you have so many friends you can't cope with any more, or there's some backstory about what a bitch she was to you, or, you actively tried to contact her & she ignored you (which is what ghosting is) then I don't see the problem: your lives drifted apart for a while as is very common and now she wants to reconnect.

If you don't fine but no need to be sanctimonious about your life vs hers

As I get older the less tolerant I am towards people who want to float in and out of my life so I would ignore the message.

If you don't want to meet up then say so and don't.

I was contacted last week by someone who ditched our whole friendship group ten years ago. I was polite but had zero interest in meeting up.

just explain you are too busy?

What is a chamanic career change?

Are you sure she's ghosted you? Sounds like maybe she just hasn't been in touch. Have you been in touch with her? Have you asked to go out for drinks now etc.. and she's said no?

Very much of the same view as @AlbertCamusflage . You have said in your OP that your friend is quite unstable and this pattern of contact may well be normal for her, especially as she’s had some major life changes in the last year. From the outside, and of course not knowing the full history of your friendship, it sounds like she’s been on another planet over the last year and your friendship has been on the back burner.

If this pattern doesn’t work for you (and it sounds like it doesn’t) then fine, don’t reply to her message, or reply saying you’re too busy to meet up. If you tell her that you don’t feel like meeting up after a long time with no news from her, it could be said that you’re the one who’s creating drama.

This happened to me. She never addressed it either, just brushed over it. We are in touch but I just downgraded her to acquaintance. I do not accept most of her invitations, if it suits me I will go, I just don’t care either way. It has not fizzled out but I don’t care if it does. I cared when it happened because it was so out of character. Tbh friends are a dime a dozen, you can get more…