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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be mildly irritated at this situation on Christmas Eve?

118 replies

FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore · 04/12/2024 14:34

I have two kids under 3. My family generally have a family get together on Christmas Eve, they live 90 minutes drive away. This year, instead of holding it at relative A’s (clean, spacious) home, they want it held at relative B’s home. Relative B is elderly, lives alone, has dementia, but absolutely could and would attend the get together at relative A’s house, were it held there. Relative B struggles hugely to manage a house and really frankly cannot really care for themselves and needs much more support. This has been much discussed within the family and I’ve mentioned this repeatedly with no action. I’m too far removed both physically and in terms of familial relationship to relative B to support
myself.

Relative A would like to host but the rest of the family are insisting it be at B’s house. There are two things that mean that taking my kids will be tricky: B’s house is filthy, like health hazard filthy, and the timing of the get together, late on Christmas Eve. It’s an awkward time for both kids, they’ll be tired and the oldest will be very excitable and probably a bit silly as 3 year olds are often on Christmas Eve, and baby will fuss for a nap. I have asked if the time could be moved to better accommodate the children, but no. B’s house is so dirty that I couldn’t even put baby down anywhere. I can see this event being nothing but stressful if I’m honest.

I’m feeling a little pressured as if I’m being the bad guy by saying we’ll do our own thing on Christmas Eve.

Two AIBUs really:

AIBU not to go?

AIBU to be a bit irritated at the rest of the family’s lack of flexibility in insisting it’s at B’s house?

OP posts:
Frazzled83 · 04/12/2024 17:04

If they want you there, they need to accommodate the needs of your two little children. If they don’t wish to offer any compromise, you’re well within your rights to tell them to poke it :) you’re not saying absolutely not and they are being very rigid about it, not you. You’re not at fault.

I’ve started to say no to unreasonable requests from older, child free relatives who expect me to cart two young kids, one with asd, around the county to accommodate their needs without any consideration to how to make things easier for us. It’s really liberating when you get into it! Highly recommend.

SpeculativeHoumous · 04/12/2024 17:04

ItGhoul · 04/12/2024 15:33

I can see why you don't want to go to Relative B's house. However, I think you're being unreasonable to think Relative A should host just because you don't want to go to Relative B's. You're not somehow entitled to Christmas Eve at Relative A's house just because you prefer it to Relative B's.

If you live 90 minutes away and have no intention of hosting anything yourself, then you can't reasonably kick off because Relative A doesn't fancy hosting this year. If you don't want to go to Relative B's, just say you think your small kids would struggle with it and explain that's why you're giving it a miss this year.

I agree

RampantIvy · 04/12/2024 16:59

Apart from the obvious reasons not to go, Christmas Eve is a weekday. The traffic will be horrific, so a three hour round trip would take much longer.

You have made the right decision @FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore

Dealingwithatrexrightnow · 04/12/2024 16:58

ClicketyClickPlusOne · 04/12/2024 14:37

However lovely B's house was I wouldn't be carting 2 toddlers on a 3 hour return trip on Christmas Eve.

This.

Dear all DH and I have made the decision now we have our own young family that we will be having Xmas eve, x day and Boxing Day in own family home on our own from this year on. We are happy to arrange to meet before or after Christmas either with you together or individually as we go forward. I’m sure you appreciate that we have to put the children and their bedtimes as well as excitement first. Merry Christmas xx

RB68 · 04/12/2024 16:57

I would be wrapping them all cleaning gifts as a hint - not PA at all lol

TheYearOfSmallThings · 04/12/2024 16:55

YANBU - it's fine to say "Have a great evening! We're going to miss it, as it is too far and too late for the kids on Christmas eve".

psuedocream3 · 04/12/2024 16:54

I would say it doesn't work for us, sorry, but we will have a seperate get together before/after Christmas so the kids can see their relatives and exchange gifts if that's what you do.

justasking111 · 04/12/2024 16:53

It might be a blessing that they go and realise how bad things are for relative B. These days. Hopefully a plan will be in place in 2025 for them.

Coconutter24 · 04/12/2024 16:49

AIBU not to go? No yanbu to not go if it doesn’t work for you

AIBU to be a bit irritated at the rest of the family’s lack of flexibility in insisting it’s at B’s house? YABU on this. There is a group of people not just you to accommodate, if you were all to vote you’d be out voted. It’s unreasonable to ask for the planned time to be arranged to suit your children. But it’s not unreasonable for you to decline the invite due to it not working for you or attending and leaving early to get the kids home

Conniebygaslight · 04/12/2024 16:49

Do your own thing, it’s ridiculous.

Original poster
FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore · 04/12/2024 16:49

Thanks all. We’re definitely not going to go. Too stressful and difficult. We’ll have a relaxed Christmas Eve evening at home instead. Appreciate the input.

OP posts:
SundayDread · 04/12/2024 16:48

if I was in your shoes I might have a poorly child that day and be unable to attend. And enjoy my CE at home.

Dameruoy · 04/12/2024 16:48

Christmas eve is a big deal when you have children with setting up for santa before bed etc. I wouldn't want to drive that far with toddlers on Christmas eve in the evening. I'd much prefer a get together at lunch, that way anyone who needs to get back can leave earlier. Has no one put any consideration into this plan? Especially with children coming, it's thoughtless.

We don't go driving anywhere to visit anyone Christmas eve or Christmas day. It's way too far and too much fuss with our young children. Luckily family understand but if they didn't I wouldn't make it my problem. Accommodate guests you're inviting or they won't turn up.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 04/12/2024 16:46

I know a very elderly couple who sound a bit like Relative B. They love seeing everyone at Christmas, but only for about half an hour. Then it's all too much for them, and the small children drive them demented, however much they love them, they can't go and nap when they want to or watch 'their' programmes on TV, yet everyone insists on congregating at their house for Christmas because 'it might be their last'. They'd really prefer everyone to drop in for a cup of tea and a mince pie and then go away again. Any chance that Relative B might feel the same? It's about to become obvious, anyway.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 04/12/2024 16:46

Decline and watch a nice Disney movie in your warm clean house with some M&S party food

PuppyMonkey · 04/12/2024 16:45

Yep it sounds like they’re trying to do something “less stressful” for B that might end up being super stressful for them. I’d just say the kids aren’t up to the journey this year, you’ll catch up another time

ProfessaChaos · 04/12/2024 16:44

Are you the only person with kids?

StormingNorman · 04/12/2024 16:44

Why has it been moved to B’s house?

ohtowinthelottery · 04/12/2024 16:43

Presumably, the adult children don't think Relative B will cope with being at Relative A's house anymore due to the progression of their dementia, hence wanting to have it somewhere familiar to RB.

But if the arrangement doesn't suit you and your family, you are well within your rights to say that you won't be able to attend.

snotathing · 04/12/2024 16:35

Are you Relative A?

Getting more support for Relative B is the priority. But there's something a bit disparaging in the way you talk about their home. Maybe those closer to B know what will suit that relative best.

carrotsfortea · 04/12/2024 16:35

Sometimes people with dementia really can't cope with change so maybe the rest of the family understand B's condition in more detail and feel would distress B to to go to A's house or not be manageable moving B to and from without a lot of distress?

The other thing might be that people feel this is perhaps one of the last times that B might be in their home or able to do this? B sounds like a very close relative to the majority of the family anyway.

How far is B from A's?

I don't think you should feel like a bad guy. If you really think the house is too difficult for you to negotiate with very small children then maybe you should just sit it out this year. Or can you see people another time rather than Christmas Eve and do fleeting visits, or visit A's if A is willing around Christmas time? It actually sounds like a very difficult and personal situation that strangers on the internet can't advise on. It doesn't sound like people don't want you to go but it might well be that considerations around what is easiest and best for you is quite low down on the list if B's condition is such that everyone is focussing on how to do the best for them this time. I'd try and proceed sensitively and just accept if you can't go that you can find other ways of seeing people and let go of the tradition this one year. Don't feel guilty.

NewName24 · 04/12/2024 16:34

ChloeCannotCanCan · 04/12/2024 15:42

Don't go - it sounds stressful and unnecessary

I agree with the poster who said 3 year olds should be home on Christmas Eve - they are so excited and it's lovely to hang up stockings and put out a mince pie and carrots for Santa and Rudolph!

Agree.

Whichever house it is at, there's no way I would be taking 2 small children out on the evening of Christmas eve even if it were local.
Add a 3 hour return trip into the mix and it wouldn't be happening at all.

The whole thing about 'everyone' wanting it to be a relative b's house is bizarre the way you have described it. I mean, I know we all tell any story with our own bias and in a way we hope to get people on side, but I can't understand who "they" are. If Person A wants to host, and has the home in which to host, what has it got to do with anyone other than Person A and Person B (who, if I have read right, is quite happy to go to Person A's house) ? Confused

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 04/12/2024 16:31

I wouldn't be doing a 3 hour round trip on Christmas eve with young kids no matter what the house was like.

Patterncarmen · 04/12/2024 16:29

FoxyArsedCountryPissWhore · 04/12/2024 16:25

Sure you would. I however won’t do this, because I’m a single working parent who would be bringing two children with me, and also because B doesn’t WANT this.

Show quote history

I wonder if the family might contribute towards a cleaner…we hired a good one for my Mum in Law. She kept it sanitary, and just threw out obvious rubbish…my MIL was a bit of a hoarder! The cleaner was brilliant in being sensitive about the situation.

zingally · 04/12/2024 16:29

What's the reason for B's house being chosen? Is it some sense of "this might well be the last time B is will enough to host", so doing it for old times sake. Even though house A is clearly a more pragmatic option.

People often get weird and sentimental about Christmas, and often can't explain their triggers.

Personally, I'd bow out, just solely for the carting a toddler and an infant on a 3-hour round trip on Christmas eve sounds nightmarish.