Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DS Birthday Party WWYD

34 replies

RedxRobin · 04/12/2024 08:16

DS has been friends with another boy at school for a couple of years (they're in primary school). It's a bit of a toxic friendship and I'm not very keen on this boy as he has behaviour issues & made a racist comment to another child last year. I've been careful not to let DS know that I don't like this boy as I feel that it should be up to DS to make up his own mind about him & I don't feel I should dictate his friendships.

DS has started pulling away from this boy as he says that he's mean and he's starting to recognise that he's not a particularly good friend to have. This has now cumulated in them having a bit of a falling out and DS doesn't want to be friends with him anymore. However, we had already said that DS would go to his birthday party.

DS is not massively keen to go although would quite like to do the activity because it's fun (not because of seeing this boy). I'm not keen on him going as I don't want DS to be sucked back in to being friends with him again. WIBU to message the mum & say DS can no longer make it?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Lookingfornewdirection · 05/12/2024 10:12

RedxRobin · 04/12/2024 08:51

He's a bully who likes to put other children down. Up until recently he hasn't done it to DS but now he's started picking on him - I'm not sure, would you call that toxic? What would you call a toxic friendship?

He also has had to move class for disruptive behaviour & is regularly in trouble with the teachers

Show quote history

This child also obviously has problems. It won’t help him either to have his (previously?) friends cancel on his party.

Lookingfornewdirection · 05/12/2024 10:10

You’ve signed up to go, so go. It’s good to teach kids that you need to commit to things. He will like the activity in any case.

Original poster
RedxRobin · 05/12/2024 10:06

LookItsMeAgain · 05/12/2024 09:55

I would be thinking that you should have contacted the other mum and made you apologies and said "I do hope that you'll be able to find someone who can take DS's place at the party" as I've had so many parties for my kids over the years where someone has dropped out and we've been able to fill the space with a different friend coming along instead.

What you're showing your DS now is that he will have to do things he really doesn't want to do, be around people that he really doesn't want to be around, just because his mother didn't want to cause any drama and because the other mother has pre-paid (which would be sorted if someone else can take that space).

Thanks - I see what you mean. However DS voluntarily told me that he wanted to go - I'm absolutely not forcing him just to be polite. I explained myself badly.

I don't want DS to have drama in that I would rather the friendship fizzled out than he get involved in a big argument with this kid who is known to be a bit of a bully. (& before anyone tells me I'm leaping to conclusions about this kid - I have been told by multiple other parents about this kid picking on others!)

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 05/12/2024 09:55

I would be thinking that you should have contacted the other mum and made you apologies and said "I do hope that you'll be able to find someone who can take DS's place at the party" as I've had so many parties for my kids over the years where someone has dropped out and we've been able to fill the space with a different friend coming along instead.

What you're showing your DS now is that he will have to do things he really doesn't want to do, be around people that he really doesn't want to be around, just because his mother didn't want to cause any drama and because the other mother has pre-paid (which would be sorted if someone else can take that space).

Original poster
RedxRobin · 05/12/2024 09:06

Thanks. I had a chat with him last night and he's going to go. I would've felt a bit bad pulling him out as it's an activity and I know his mum would've prepaid & I don't want to cause drama.

OP posts:
SunnyHappyPeople · 04/12/2024 15:28

You should take him.

Decline next year, but you've accepted now. Kids friendships change daily. You might not like the mum, but its the kids that are at school spending time together for years.

I say less interference unless there's anything physical, in which case I would understand your position.

Mill3nnial · 04/12/2024 15:12

It sounds like you're being a bit dramatic if I'm honest. It's just a party and your DS will play with other people not just the birthday boy.

ThisPearlSwan · 04/12/2024 15:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
RedxRobin · 04/12/2024 14:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

we haven't had any drama!
I would say that I have seen her let him play in the playground instead of taking him to school on time because he didn't want to stop playing so him saying his mum never says no to him doesn't seem like that much of a stretch! 🙄

OP posts:
ThisPearlSwan · 04/12/2024 14:02

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
RedxRobin · 04/12/2024 13:59

NotLactoseFree · 04/12/2024 12:15

Assuming there are going to be other children there that your DS likes, I would go to the party. He can withdraw somewhat from this friendship - and the fact that you clearly don't like the boy or his mum tells me that you haven't exactly been pushing the relationship - and your DS will still have a good time and hang out with other children.

I think this is the age when this sort of thing starts to happen. I saw it (slightly) with DS, and I'm seeing it a little with DD as well. In her case, the other child's mum and I are good friends and it's quite tricky. She's not oblivious to the way her child behaves though so she's sensitive to DD drawing away a bit. And DD is not completely blameless either.

We have a similar issue with DD - she's having real friendship issues with the DD of a good friend of mine which is a bit awkward all round!

OP posts:
Original poster
RedxRobin · 04/12/2024 13:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

because his friend told him?

OP posts:
ThisPearlSwan · 04/12/2024 13:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SpeculativeHoumous · 04/12/2024 12:17

OolongTeaDrinker · 04/12/2024 08:19

I don’t think you can force your child to go to a party if he doesn’t want to above the age of about 3. It’s fine to cancel, as long as you offer to pay for your child’s spot if it is not refundable and they can’t find someone else to go.

This

NotLactoseFree · 04/12/2024 12:15

Assuming there are going to be other children there that your DS likes, I would go to the party. He can withdraw somewhat from this friendship - and the fact that you clearly don't like the boy or his mum tells me that you haven't exactly been pushing the relationship - and your DS will still have a good time and hang out with other children.

I think this is the age when this sort of thing starts to happen. I saw it (slightly) with DS, and I'm seeing it a little with DD as well. In her case, the other child's mum and I are good friends and it's quite tricky. She's not oblivious to the way her child behaves though so she's sensitive to DD drawing away a bit. And DD is not completely blameless either.

Original poster
RedxRobin · 04/12/2024 12:12

LadyQuackBeth · 04/12/2024 11:48

Does DS know other people that are going, is he friends with any of them?

I think he should go, but lift share with someone else going so he doesn't feel it's all about the sort-of-friend. DS will have a worse time with a boy like this if you escalate the situation like this, into a dramatic falling out and enemies, than if the friendship sort of fizzles out and they remain polite with each other.

yes, I really don't want a big fall out or to antagonise the situation. I would much rather it fizzles out.
without potentially outing myself, I do have some personal stuff going on which I could use as an excuse to get DS out of the party. I just don't know if it is bad manners to do so. The party is in 10 days

OP posts:
Original poster
RedxRobin · 04/12/2024 12:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

True - I have to admit I haven't warmed to her which in a way makes it easier to let the friendship die than if I was very good friends with her!

OP posts:
LadyQuackBeth · 04/12/2024 11:48

Does DS know other people that are going, is he friends with any of them?

I think he should go, but lift share with someone else going so he doesn't feel it's all about the sort-of-friend. DS will have a worse time with a boy like this if you escalate the situation like this, into a dramatic falling out and enemies, than if the friendship sort of fizzles out and they remain polite with each other.

ThisPearlSwan · 04/12/2024 11:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
RedxRobin · 04/12/2024 10:11

No - I haven't spoken to the mum. I don't really know her but I don't think she would be particularly open to any comments. She doesn't care about getting him to school on time (I regularly see them in the playground when the school gates have closed) and DS has said that apparently she never tells her son no or tells him off.

OP posts:
50shadesofnay · 04/12/2024 10:01

Have you spoken to the mum about her son's behaviour? Birthday party or no birthday party, any behaviour that is affecting your son should be addressed.

ThisPearlSwan · 04/12/2024 09:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

NuffSaidSam · 04/12/2024 09:23

Don't go, let them know asap so they can invite someone else. Give the present as you would have done.

Pinkelephant66 · 04/12/2024 09:20

Can 8 year olds have toxic friendships? I’d probably just say he’s a naughty little shit

Invisimamma · 04/12/2024 09:09

Don't force him to go, just make an excuse. Drop off a small birthday present with the mum and forget about it.