“im having one more kid in the hope I have a girl”

I do understand it, there’s a tug when you see lovely girls clothes in the shops. I have a niece and lots of friends with girls and it’s like they have a little mini-me, so cute. Also, I don’t think it will upset the children hearing Mum wanted a girl- I know my Mum always wanted a boy and never felt less loved for it!

This is it for me too, I think.

I've been through that process of growing from a girl into a woman, that sort of journey of self discovery, and as my children grow up my daughter will have experiences which are familiar to me and alien to my husband, just as my son will have experiences which are familiar to my husband and alien to me.

It's not about preferring one child over the other. (To be honest, my son is a much easier child to parent right now because he's going through an absolutely delightful phase at the moment whereas my daughter is right in the thick of the terrible twos.) I am just glad that I get to experience both and I hope that my daughter and I will have the kind of connection you mention, through shared experiences of being female. My son and I will connect in other ways.

It's hard not to think about as we assert gender stereotypes on them the moment they're born. Boys get 'oh he'll be a little charmer, the ladies will be all over him' whilst girls get 'how pretty and dainty, she'll grow up beautiful'. Girls are valued for their looks from the off. The way we interact is different with boys and girls. The clothes are different. Girls clothes are full of mice, bunnies etc (prey animals!) whilst boys have bears, dinosaurs etc. Then ofc as they get bigger, people expect girls to play quietly with dolls, whereas boys are expected to enjoy rough and tumble and get into more mischief. The sub conscious messaging is literally everywhere.

Men can't possibly ever understand sisterhood and the connection between women. Due to patriarchy, women share solidarity and connection in a way I personally don't think men ever can. Through those lens, it makes perfect sense why women often want daughters.

Sorry you grew up hearing that kind of thing. It must have an affect. Boys and girls are both equally as special and lovely, but imo it's not accurate to think men and women have no differences 🤷

I wonder if many of these people having child after child to get their desired gender realise how low their odds might be of having a girl / boy and therefore how risky this plan is.

I always thought having a boy / girl was a 50/50 chance for each conception but then I met someone doing a PHD on this. He explained that although it works out as a roughly 50/50 male / female split across the entire population, each individual man's chance of having a boy or girl is not 50/50. Some men are actually predisposed to have up to an 80% bias towards a particular sex of offspring.

So if that lady who already has 4 boys and is pregnant with the 5th has had them all by the same man, her chances of a girl might not be great...

I conceived first time with my son, and it only took a couple of attempts with my daughter. So am I permitted to ‘not’ be grateful, since conceiving a child was not something I struggled with?

See how easy it is to twist what someone is saying?

The problem is that people are trying to make it simple: it isn’t. I consider myself intelligent, articulate and level headed and I can’t express myself why I wanted a girl so much; I just did. I suspect at least in part it was down to the loss of my own mum as a teenager, my own catastrophic launch into early adulthood, but really who knows. This is probably the sort of thing is would be good to discuss objectively with someone like a counsellor but money is obviously an issue and people do find it so hard to be honest because we feel the need to add so many caveats and disclaimers that what we’re actually saying becomes meaningless - Of course I wouldn’t swap my son! Of course I’m not saying I don’t love my son. I don’t mean I didn’t want my second boy just that … I mean I was grateful, don’t get me wrong …

It is hard to get through all of that and it is a shame as we mostly recognise feelings aren’t rational, but with this people tend to take what you say as absolute truth and reflection on you and on your love for your child, even if that child is only a hypothetical one. The guilt I’ve felt at worrying I wouldn’t have loved a second boy who doesn’t even exist is bonkers!

I honestly don't understand it. I knew one family who had six kids simply as the dad wanted to keep going until he had a son. Pregnancy was really hard on the woman and her doctors told her no more after her third but she kept going. She nearly died giving birth to baby no6 but he got his precious son.

What's odd now is he does not even get ion with his son. He wanted a son who loved football and "manly pursuits" and he has a very gentle son who hates sports and likes playing piano and guitar. The son is 19 now and honestly they don't have a thing in common

threads like this make me wish that mumsnet had an eye roll as well as a thanks button.

I have 3 boys, didn't hope for a girl with any of them, didn't mind at all, not an ounce of disappointment. However, I would have loved a DD, and would have a 4th if a girl was guaranteed. But it isn't, so we are done. Never understand people who keep going until they get what they want. Preference is one thing, but to keep having babies for that reason alone is mad.

Not if the other option was something you really didn't want.
Especially as both options are babies, who need to be loved and cared for either way.
I can see why people have a preference, that's ok, but desperately desperately wanting something that you might not get is not a reason to have a baby.

I don't get it all.
Probably as I felt the opposite. I wanted a boy. A lot of people I knew had boys around the time and took to motherhood quite easily and had easy babies. I'm not girly anyway and was convinced I didn't want a girl.
I didn't find out the gender because I thought I'd feel huge gender disappointment if it was a girl.
Guess what- she was a girl!
And it was so so hard. I've never had another as she's never been easy. Totally full on, doesn't sleep much.
Are boys easier?
I've heard my friends who have one of each saying so.

It's irresponsible and daft to keep having babies to get the gender you want. I know a few people with 4 boys or 4 girls who kept going and still didn't get the gender they wanted.

What was your friend doing to be 'rubbing in' all the girly stuff that she did with her daughter.

Do you think your jealousy and resentment because of her having a girl is the reason you're not friends now, rather than her 'rubbing your nose in it' that she had a girl (after 3 boys...?)

(You did say you felt a pang of jealousy...when she had a girl...)

.

Gender disappointment threads on here always seem to be about having boys. Maybe it's because it's mostly women and I suppose being female feels like something we 'know' whereas boys are a bit more alien?

Anecdotally I thought I wanted a boy, no idea why I could just see myself with a little boy, had a boys name I loved etc. She was a girl and now she is here I wouldn't have her any other way!

There's an Instagram influencer who is currently pregnant with her 3rd after 2 boys and it actually annoys me how OTT pleased she is about her baby being a girl- she actually posted that 'a daughter is the universes ultimate reward for me' or something daft, I feel sorry for her boys reading that one day!!

In France you are not allowed to find out the sex of your baby until after the legal time limit for abortion has passed.

I bet this is really common. I've been asked more than once if I will try again for a girl. People think boys and girls are so different that you need one of each to complete the set. Also lots of people comment about having "girly" days and such with their daughters.

I completely agree. My mother was disappointed with having me as a child. Growing up feeling unwanted and unloved has a life long impact.

Has it occurred to you that in an alternate universe where the first borns were girls they may be trying for a boy? IE that the point is to experience parenting boys and girls both; and to give the kids siblings of both sexes?

however in a world where girls are literally selectively aborted (the only logical explanation for the skewed stats) in certain (Australian and probably also British) areas that align with a certain sex being culturally favoured by the local population,) I think it’s no terrible thing if a few girls are sought and waited for and desperately wanted.

https://www.latrobe.edu.au/news/articles/2018/release/gender-bias-leads-to-more-male-births

I don't think anyone suggested I should try for a girl after my second son was born. Maybe the 10 year age gap was more socially astonishing than having 2 children of the same sex!

i think having boys as the preferred gender of a child was the norm for centuries. a few mothers wishing for daughters seems like a drop in the ocean in comparison.

After 8 years of fertility issues followed by problems during pregnancy I absolutely do not understand. I think some people need a reality check.

I feel so lucky to have a wonderful son, so the idea that anyone would feel disappointed to be in our situation makes me feel sad for all those boys.

My opinion may be controversial but all this "gender disappointment is real" is absolute bullshit and of course it affects the children, even if these parents tell themselves it doesn't.

I'm a mum of two boys. After many years of infertility and ICSI treatment, in extremely grateful to have two healthy children.

I think its a shame. My ex was 2 boys and a girl (youngest) she was definitely treated like a princess. Went to school with a boy, one of 11, there were 10 boys and the 11th was a girl.

A friend has 2 boys and has a 3rd (girl) and all the comments were about how wonderful it would be to finally have a girl and she rightly came back and said ALL the lovely things about her boys.

I understand people have gender disappointment, which is a shame, but to literally tell the kids that - when some people can't have children and would love to be in their position with "unwanted" gender children.

I’ve got 4 boys, yes a girl would’ve been nice too but clearly someone thought I was destined to be a mum of boys, I didn’t ’keep trying’ to get a girl and I was over the moon with each lovely boy I brought into the world.

I did feel a bit of a stab of jealousy when a friend had her 4 th after 3 boys and had a girl. She’s tries to rub in all the ‘girly’ stuff they do together in since, we aren’t friends anymore mind you. I have a lovely niece and 2 nephews. So I don’t judge others, difficult sometimes to not feel a bit envious or disappointed we are all human after all! Doesn’t mean we aren’t happy with our lot, I love my 4 boys and can’t imagine having had girls now

Feelings are feelings and not something that is right or wrong. What you do or say about those feelings is different and can be very wrong!

I do often wonder why, when there is gender disappointment these days, that it's when a boy. I have yet to hear someone be disappointed that it's a girl. (Not for the past 35-40 years anyway.)

I'm not saying people don't want boys, and many are happy to have a boy; just as happy as if they had had a girl ... But it's just when there is gender disappointment, it's always when it's a boy. (Largely in the Western world. In other cultures they revere boys, and are very disappointed if the first born is a girl.)

I had two girls. I definitely wanted a girl 100%. If my second had been a boy, I actually wouldn't have minded. But I'm so happy to have two girls ...

I genuinely wouldn't have been happy to have two boys. I can't explain why... I just always had a very, very strong desire to have a girl. DH really wanted girls too, but like me, would been OK if the second one had been a boy.

I mean, of course, you still love them, don't you? But I am so happy we had girls. No way in hell would I have kept having more to try and get a girl if I had had 2 boys though... I did used to know quite a few families (when people used to have a lot more children pre-late 1980s,) who had 4 or 5 boys as they had just kept going to try and get a girl. I also knew several families who had all girls though, who kept going to try and get a boy!

I do think (if their IS gender disappointment, that more women are disappointed with a boy ... I wonder if there is some deep rooted thought in a woman's head that tells them that if they have a girl, they will have a friend for life, and someone to look after them when they're older - because men tend to be more likely to be lazy and thoughtless. It's always the girls/daughters who look after the older family members. Very rarely the boys/sons. IME most men do fuck-all for anyone but themselves.

I mean, you're not guaranteed that a girl is going to be a friend for life and help you when you're older, or that a boy will fuck off and do his own thing and not be arsed with you 90% of the time, but those scenarios are more likely than not to be fair. In the experience of most people I know/have known.

Some women I know (mostly 50+) had/have a mother who wanted a son, and ended up with a daughter, and never stopped letting her know how disappointed she was. Some went on to have a son after, who could never do wrong, and was her clear favourite. These mothers never hid that fact!

Oh no absolutely I know plenty of people with 'mummy's boys' who rightly adore their lovely boys.
I definitely don't have an 'easy' girl, she doesn't sit down and comply at all and her behaviour is objectively worse than some of her friends who are boys!
I think,and this is for me, I imagine identifying less and less with a boy as they grow into a teenager and then a man. Whereas with my daughter even if she can be difficult and probably will be a nightmare teenager, I still feel just a profound sense of identification and connection that I can only imagine will grow as she grows into an adult woman.

Now what I imagine what not be the case at all but it's partly what drives my preference for girls. It's hard to convey what I mean!